Julie sits next to me and hands me Gia. “Can I say something?”
“Do I have a choice?”
Gia is around three months old now, and she’s not puking as much as she used to, which is a big improvement for our relationship, but I still hate how Julie and Ian hand her to us as if it’s a given we want to hold their child. Also, every time I look at Gia, I’m reminded of the night I opened up to Luke. That’s how our arrangement became a tangle of pillow talk and intimacy—I saw him holding my fucking goddaughter. I can’t blame a baby, but I also can’t look at her without thinking of him.
“If you’re not ready to be with him, that’s fine. You set him free and I appreciate that. Bruce is good for him.”
“I can see that,” I answer coldly. She has the talent for ripping off my skin with her teeth when I’m already hurting.
“Right. But do you know that he would be happier with you? So maybe you should tell him how you feel, because the way you’re behaving today is confusing. You can’t let him have hope if you want him to be free.”
I frown. “And how am I behaving?”
“Like a lovesick jealous ex-boyfriend.” She looks at me while my eyes search for Luke.
When I see him whispering into Bruce’s ear, I can’t take it anymore. I need to leave. Everything hurts. But that might be because I have to admit Julie is right. I’m jealous. I’ve never been jealous of another man, and I can’t be envious of something that isn’t mine. I want to be Bruce and I hate that he seems so perfect for Luke.
“Thanks for telling me,” I say to Julie, handing her back her child. “I need to get going. Lots of work and shit to do.”
I run away without saying goodbye, like a coyote with its tail between its legs. Once in my car, I text the only person I know who will dull my pain right now.
Me: I need you; can I stop by?
We haven’t really talked in weeks, but Virginia knows I don’t tell people I need them unless I’m about to touch rock bottom. I could drink my pain away, but I prefer spending time with her. She answers fast, as if her phone was glued to her hand.
Virge: Of course, Come over. Do you want to talk about it?
Me: Hell no.
Virge: My door is always open.
* * *
After all that has happened between us, Virginia has never let me down when I really needed her. She also leaves me to stew in my silence when I don’t want to talk. That’s why I love her so much.
* * *
When I enter her house, I can see she’s been crying. I put my worries aside and kick into my “fix it all” mode. “What’s up, Virge? Who do I need to kill?”
She sobs slightly against my shoulder.
“Hey, I’m the one who needed a hug. What’s up? Talk to me.”
She continues crying and hands me her phone. On the screen is a thread of texts from Ryan, declaring his love and lust for her. Heavy sometimes, funny at others, but he’s not giving up on her, even if she stays silent. Stubborn lady.
She’s calmer now, but tears are still rolling down her cheeks. “He sends a couple a week. It’s been going on for fourteen weeks now. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to continue reading his texts.”
“So don’t.”
“I can’t.” She sighs
“So block his number.”
“I can’t…”
“Don’t check your phone.”
“I can’t…”
“For fuck’s sake, what do you want from him?”
He’s ready to give her so much and she’s acting like a chickenshit. She needs to think she’s lost him to really know if she loves him. Seeing Luke tonight, shitting rainbows with his unicorn new boyfriend, made me miserable and jealous, but I’m not ready to fight to have him back. That’s because I don’t love him. The feelings I have, as small as they are, are something else. I don’t know what, but it’s not love.
“I’m not sure,” she says.
“Well, figure it out and soon, because it hurts when they find someone who gives them what they need and you stay on the sidelines.”
“Is that why you need a hug?”
I shrug.
“Please tell me you’re not in love with Ryan.”
I laugh. “Why would you think that? Jeez. Ian thought the same for a while. That’s disgusting.”
Asher comes in and sits on the couch with us. I can’t look at his tattooed arm without thinking of Luke. He’s everywhere, all the time. The worst is my penthouse though. It’s been three weeks since he was last in my home, and I still sleep in the guest room.
“You know, Uncle D, I wish you weren’t gay.”
I cringe. “That’s something my mother would say.”
Virginia seems horrified. “Asher! What the bloody hell!” She thinks that if she swears in a British way, it doesn’t count as swearing. Fucking ridiculous.
“What I mean is,” Asher continues, “that our lives would have been easier if you liked lady parts!”
I know he wants to say pussy, but Virginia loathes that word. I don’t care if she hates it.
“Sorry, Ash. Never cared for boobs and pussies.” Virginia slaps my arm, but I add, “And don’t forget I hate children. I much prefer being your uncle. Now, want to tell us what brings you to say such stupid shit?”
Asher shrugs. “Not really. Do you want to watch a movie?”
“I guess.” Virge shrugs back.
“Cool.” Asher smiles. “Let’s spend some quality family time together then and not talk about our respective problems.”
Virge and I nod and settle into a comfortable position, holding each other like the door Rose held on to after the Titanic collided with the iceberg. Both of us are afraid to sink in our sea of feelings.
11
Luke
I’ve been dating Bruce for one month and it’s great! Well, most of the time. I mean, it’s partly great. No, I mean, it’s great. It’s wonderful. He’s super nice, affectionate, considerate, amazing, and a great kisser. There’s nothing I would change. Mainly nothing. Being with him is a breath of fresh air. We’re enjoying my bungalow in Venice, a place Dex never even set foot in. I do that a lot—compare what Bruce and I have to what I had with Dex. Which isn't hard, as Dex and I did nothing more than fuck.
My house is a small two-bedroom, one-bathroom bungalow in a great neighborhood. Location, location, location, right? I couldn’t have it all with the price I could afford. I had the money for something bigger after selling my part of the farm, but I preferred to put more in the shop and invest the rest in case there was trouble in paradise one day. I haven’t touched any of my investment yet. Life has been good to me.
I love my place, and Bruce seems to love it as well. Maybe a little too much. He’s very comfortable staying here and making the house his. I mean, it’s great, right? Being in a relationship with someone who wants you and has time for you. He gets along with everybody, and the group seems to like him. Well, except Dex. I mean, he only saw Bruce once, two weeks ago, and we don’t hang out with him much. I don’t even know what he’s doing these days. Ian said Dex spends lots of time with Virginia, but when I called her, she said she hasn’t seen much of him in the last two weeks. Whatever. It’s all good.