When I put the carton back and turned to face Seamus, he was staring at me with no small amount of worry. "Shiloh, it's Tuesday."
It was?
"And the university is on break."
It felt like weeks since Beckett last held me. Was Seamus really trying to tell me it had been days? "I must've got my days confused," I mumbled.
"Yeah, must have."
Seamus followed me from the kitchen back to the living room. I sat down on the couch and turned the television on, not really caring what flashed on the screen.
"Shiloh, talk to me, please." Seamus retrieved his son and sat on the couch with me.
I wasn't so selfish that I couldn't see how happy he was now. After a brief mix-up, Seamus had never left the rabbit clan. He moved in with Leo and Boone while he'd been pregnant, and the rest was history. He'd gotten his happy story, had gone through his trials. Had he needed to rip the band-aid off like I did? I briefly considered asking him about it, but not only was I not ready to share, but that would defeat the whole point. The entire reason I didn't go was because I should have been able to do all of this on my own.
But I couldn't even keep the days of the week straight.
"Mom's worried. She called me."
I winced, but lately, I was no stranger to guilt. I filed the emotion away next to my crippling sadness and utter despondence.
When I didn't say anything, Seamus continued. "She thinks you might need a change. We both know something happened, Shiloh. I've asked your friends, but they won't tell me anything."
That was probably because only Sophie had an idea, and she wouldn't tell anyone, ever. We both knew secrets about each other.
"You're spying on me. Awesome." I grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channels without really seeing what was on before I went to the next.
"I'm not spying on you—I'm worried. Mom's worried. Everyone is worried, even your friends. They wished they knew so they could tell me and we could all help you."
An entire village coming together to care for me. That didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy. It made me feel useless.
"Come live with me for a bit, Shiloh. Leo, Boone, and Carl would all love to have you. The other rabbits too. You can unwind, slow down, figure out what—"
"No." I knew what. I was supposed to be making the right choice, the mature choice. I couldn't leave one person's authority only to insert myself under another. My spine felt brittle thinking about it, like it was already refusing to obey anyone who wasn't Beckett.
"You can stay in my old cabin. It's cozy in there, remember?"
"No, Seamus." I didn't allow any uncertainty to lessen the impact of my refusal.
"Fine," he growled, sounding more like the brother I'd grown up knowing. "What are you going to do then?"
He was angry, but it was as if I was noticing his anger as an observer, not as myself.
"Since you woke me up and reminded me I'm on break, I'll probably sit here. Watch some television and then go back to bed."
"It's a one-week break. Are you ready for when school starts? Do you have everything you need for your classes?"
"I'll handle it." I couldn't even remember what my classes were. I remembered the schedule that Beckett had said he'd arranged for me. I shrugged and turned my face back to the television. I didn't really want to talk to people right now. That was allowed, right? I'd just given up the love of my life so that I could be more adult. I was allowed a few moments of silence.
"You are the smartest person I know, Shiloh. You're a freaking genius. You're younger than everyone else in any of your classes, and yet you're still at the top. Whatever happened, it isn't worth this. You don't have to make the same bad choices I did."
I winced like he'd struck me.
Seamus didn't speak again after that, but he didn't leave either. He sat with me, feeding, changing, and playing with Carl while I did my best impression of a zombie.
At some point, my mother returned home. She and Seamus spoke in hushed whispers in the kitchen, probably about me.
On the television, the screen went dark before the show cut to a commercial break. A little girl riding a bicycle on a sidewalk toppled over, scraping her knee. But she didn't suffer alone for long. Her mother appeared with an unopened box of band-aids while she smiled at the camera instead of at her fake daughter.
"Good luck with that," I snarled, turning the television off.
I'd tried tearing Beckett off, but he wasn't something stuck to my skin. He was inside me. Beckett was my skin, and walking around without him felt like I was this grotesque thing, moving around with my muscles and sinews all on display. Every nerve ending was exposed to the elements.
But did that mean I'd made the wrong choice? Or that I'd made the right choice too late?
"Dinner's done," my mom called out.
My stomach rolled. I wasn't hungry, and I couldn't take sitting across from those two, not now. I'd learned since why my mother had seemed a little more distant when I'd been claiming to spend every night at Soph's. She was going through a love affair of her own. They'd made it official. My mom had a boyfriend. My brother had found his mate.
And I… was going back to bed.
***
When I woke up the next morning-ish, I was alone once more in the house. My mom and Seamus had left me alone to sleep and simmer in my own misery.
I reached for my phone out of instinct before setting it back down without looking at the screen. Though I'd acted like Seamus's words had no effect on me, what he said was stuck in my mind. I didn't want to go down the same path Seamus had. This entire thing was me trying to make sure that I didn't go down the same path, that I knew how to make the right choices, that I could stand on my own.
I could stand on my own. I had feet and legs to support me. I just didn't want to.
Despite that, I still found myself at my front door, slipping on my shoes. I had only a light jacket, but it looked like it was going to be a warm spring day, so I went out, locking the door behind me. Out of habit, I checked my pocket for my phone. It was there, nestled near my hip so that I could ignore every call coming in.
I set out down the sidewalk with no destination in mind. I couldn't go stay with Seamus. I couldn't sit with my friends and pretend nothing was wrong. But I could walk.
And right now, I just needed to do the things I was able to do.
It only took a block for me to realize my mistake. Beckett and I had walked everywhere. It was his preferred mode of travel, and I just liked it because it had taken us longer to get places, which meant I got more time with him on the journey.
My eyes filled, making it hard to see the tulips and daffodils blooming in a row along the sidewalk. Who planted those? I wondered. Were they still here to enjoy the fruits of their labor? Or had they abandoned their fruits and made their fruits make choices that their fruits weren't really ready to mak—
I knew this wasn't about fruit. It was my anger at Beckett. Just like I wouldn't expect a surgeon to be successful without a scalpel, how did Beckett expect me to know which choice was right? I didn't have the tools!
I kicked a rock on the cement, sending it flying down the block.