"So take away your money!" I was too panicked to worry about interrupting him. "Tell him you won't donate unless he agrees to leave you alone."
Beckett shook his head slowly. "I can't do that. The only people who would suffer from that are the students."
I couldn't understand what he was saying. Why couldn't he do that? Beckett Crawford could do anything. "You mean you don't want to," I snarled, feeling immediately guilty.
Beckett just sighed sadly and took my hands. "You're right. I don't want to either. I don't want to take tuition assistance away from students who need it the most. I don't want to take away from their supplies, from the resources they can access at the library. But my research is still important. The Dix Wallow name doesn't hold as much prestige as Morningwood, but it is better than nothing. And it is only a half day's drive away."
Only a half day's drive? That was the difference between seeing each other every day and seeing each other only sporadically. He had to know that. Which meant… "Are you breaking up with me?"
Beckett growled, squeezing my hands tighter at the same time. "No, Shiloh. If you would let me finish, I'm attempting to tell you that I want nothing more than for you to come with me. That was part of the reason why I didn't bring it up until now. I knew my position was secure, but I had to be sure of yours, and I just received a letter back. They'll take you as a student, with a schedule nearly identical to the one you'd registered for. And they have no issue with you staying on as my assistant while earning credits. I didn't ask about a stipend because I want to take care of you. I want you to be there not just as my assistant, but as my partner as well. I've explained the situation, and Dean Maxwell doesn't think it will be an issue as long as you don't take any of my classes."
My relief at being included in Beckett's future plans was short-lived. He wanted me to move to Dix Wallow? I could count on one hand the number of times I'd even left Morningwood. "When?" I whispered. "When does this all happen?"
Beckett's eyebrows furrowed together. "At the end of the quarter. I sent my resignation to Grub—"
I gasped. I couldn't help it. The word resignation sounded so final. I was only just hearing about this, but to Beckett, everything had already been decided. "I won't order you to come with me. I can't make you do that."
For a split second, I wished he would. That was one of the things I loved about our relationship. I didn't have to make any choices I didn't want to because he was there to make them for me. If he told me to go with him, I probably could because he'd said so.
"I want you to take the next couple of days to think it over," he said, and more than anything, I knew from his expression that I wouldn't like what he said next. "I don't think we should interact during that time because I don't think I can keep myself from just demanding you come. I love you, Shiloh, more than I thought I could love another person, but this is one time I won't tell you what to do. I can't."
My chin wobbled. I tried to swallow back the wave of emotion rising up my throat, but I failed, and my eyes stung with tears. "So, you won't tell me to go with you, you packed me a bag, and you don't want to see me for your last days in Morningwood, and I'm supposed to believe you aren't breaking up with me?"
"You'll believe it because I've told you that is the truth." His voice went hard with authority. He sighed, pulling me into a sudden hug. "Please say you'll think about it. You can text me with any questions, but you have to understand why I'm putting this distance between us now. I don't want anything to hurt you, ever, and that includes me. Making you come with me would be hurting you, Shiloh."
Okay, sure, that sounded fine. But then why did my heart already feel like it was broken?
***
"It's so nice having you home, sweetie," my mom said from the living room. I'd gone back after class that day. I would've left campus entirely, but Beckett had made me promise not to miss my classes two days in row. Going had been useless. I didn't remember a single thing.
"I know. I'm sorry I've been so busy." All in all, I'd had to lie to my mother a surprisingly little amount over the months. She knew most of my hours were taken by my research with Beckett, and she worked a lot of nights. When I did need a cover, Sophie was there. A few of the times, I actually did go to her house and spend the night when I said I would. But I thought the thing that had kept my mother off my trail the most was the fact that for the last four months, I'd been deliriously happy every time I saw her. "Are you sure you're up for a movie? It's a little late," I called back to her.
The microwave beeped, and I pulled out the bag of popcorn, depositing it in a bowl and sprinkling it with a dash of salt.
I brought the bowl with me on my way into the living room. "We definitely shouldn't watch a scary movie. You'll have nightma—"
My mom had her head back against the couch cushion, her eyes closed and her mouth open. She sucked in a loud, snoring breath and smacked her lips, curling in on her side.
I'd suspected the suggestion of a movie had been her attempt at figuring out what was wrong. After so many months of bliss, my attitude today was even more noticeable. I missed Beckett, but more than that, I didn't know what to do.
The obvious choice was to drop my life here and go with him. We weren't mates, but that didn't matter to me anymore. And it didn't seem to matter to Beckett either. But could I do that? Leave my mom, family, and friends behind? I'd never even seen the Dix Wallow campus, but I'd heard the town was larger than Morningwood.
Dix Wallow was always spoken about with slight derision in Morningwood. They didn't have an Elite Force and didn't go to quite the lengths we did to make sure no normies snuck into their town. But a larger town could mean a better school, a wider variety of classes, and maybe even more teachers who studied Animal Psychology for their career.
In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but fear this was all just me trying to convince myself to go because going was the easy choice. It wasn't a choice. I could pretend Beckett had made the choice for me when he decided to go in the first place. What if all this was just my sad attempt at trying to continue to avoid making wrong choices like I was so afraid I would? I was an adult, a man. Maybe I needed to man up and make my own decisions like an adult.
What was it inside me that even liked Beckett's orders? I found myself looking forward to his discipline as much as I did his gentle instruction. Had both things become my crutch? I could prefer being in a relationship where the other man took the lead, but I shouldn't have needed it…
Right?
Groaning with frustration, I took hold of the blanket and tossed it over my mom, slipping a real pillow under her head after. She looked so peaceful, content, happy. Why hadn't I wanted to tell her about Beckett yet? Would she be this happy if I left? And what about Seamus? Things were finally going good for him. I had a nephew now—well, two, since Boone was as much part of the family as Carl. Would my nephew grow up not even knowing my face?
I brought the popcorn into my room, tossing the pieces basketball-style into my wastepaper basket rather than eating them. My stomach rolled too much for that. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew that Beckett insisting I choose on my own had been a mistake. I wasn't going to sleep at all tonight and probably wouldn't until Beckett left: alone, or with me.