Please be here, she thought. Please. Her body revved. The night turned ominous, seemed to breathe down her neck.
“Come on!” Blue called from the door. “They won’t seat us without you.”
A sudden flash of light. That clicking sound.
Henry at the party. Come on! We gotta go!
She blinked hard against it.
“In a sec!” she shouted back to Blue.
She gripped the back of the car, trying to ground herself here. Solid road under her feet. Dense, sultry air and swishing bay and friends nearby.
But it was too late.
Some part of her was back there.
The cops breaking up the party.
Henry desperate to leave. “I could lose my scholarship!”
The two of them running through the crowd to get the others.
They’d found Blue and Renee lying on lounge chairs by Check’s pool, staring up at the stars.
“We gotta go!” Hannah cried.
“Shh,” Blue said. “We’re getting a tan.”
Renee laughed. “She’s stoned. She just told me she thinks she was a carrot in a past life.”
“She’s gonna be in jail in this life if we don’t get out of here!” Henry said, gesturing toward the police officers silhouetted in the living room window.
They helped Blue to her feet, the four of them dashing and stumbling across the night, Renee out in front as always; she could’ve run laps around them, she was that fast, even drunk.
The beam of a flashlight swept over them. The cops had breached the backyard. Blue turned, pointed. “The po-po.” She threw her hands up. “I didn’t do it! I’m innocent!”
“Oh my God,” Hannah said.
“Please shut up, Blue,” Henry said, but he was laughing as he said it; he could not stop laughing as he ran.
Hannah was laughing, too, and trying not to, because it was taking the air she needed to flee, but she wasn’t really scared, or rather only scared enough for it to be fun. The sense of pursuit reminded her of childhood—of playing games like Manhunt and Kick the Can on hot, summer nights, life in her lungs, every game an excuse to be chased.
Down the too-dark road they flew to where Hannah had parked her car and Henry his.
“Wait! Where’s Maya?” Hannah said, and then they heard a voice shout “Here!” and there was Maya running up behind them, waving her bra in her hand, her shirt on inside out, breathless with the uncharacteristic exertion. Henry looked to Hannah and burst out laughing all over again. He loved her ridiculous friends so much.
Hannah glanced back at the house. The cops were preoccupied with other partygoers. They were in the clear.
Henry kissed her. “You all right to drive?”
“Totally sober,” she said.
“You can come back to my house if you want. My parents won’t be home until late.” He wiggled his eyebrows and she laughed.
She looked back at the girls. She’d hardly seen them all night. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said.
“Be safe,” he said.
“Always,” she said.
She hadn’t known it was a lie.
* * *
Now standing in the parking lot as Blue walked impatiently toward her, Hannah wanted to scream back to the teenagers they once were, Stay at the party! Don’t leave! Turn yourselves in to the police!
If only.
If only.
If only.
Hannah blinked and blinked.
“I have weed back at the house, if that helps,” Blue said as she neared.
“I really need my Xanax.” Just having the bottle in her hand could sometimes soothe her nervous system.
“Where was the last place you saw it?”
“Maya had it.”
They exchanged a knowing glance.
“I’ll help you find it when we get back, okay?” Blue said.
Hannah nodded. Blue’s uncharacteristic gentleness made her throat swell with that particular kindness-induced grief. She wished she could tell her about the memories, seek comfort in the shared experience. Instead she pushed her thoughts into the present. The glow of restaurant lights and the long, rocky arm of the jetty stretching into the bay, the happy vacationers that would be dining inside, her friends nearby. It’ll be fine, she told herself. I can do this.
“Sorry you had to come and get me.”
Blue shrugged. “Spared me five minutes with Renee.”
“Sorry about that whole thing too.”
“Yeah. Not the trip I was hoping for,” Blue said.
“Story of my life,” Hannah said, and their eyes met and they both laughed and for a moment Hannah really did feel better, she felt recognized. She could tell Blue did too.
They went inside, the restaurant all shiny beer-colored wood and thick white tablecloths, windows on all sides overlooking the shimmying water. Families everywhere wearing lobster bibs and sunburns and smiles. Instinctively Hannah went to sit next to Maya—a mistake; Blue would be stuck beside Renee. Blue lurched in front of her as if the seat next to Maya’s was the last in a game of musical chairs.
Renee folded her napkin into her lap, stared out at the bay.
Hannah slid in beside her, looked at Maya. “The Xanax wasn’t in the car.” Her palms started to sweat just saying that out loud. “I’m really starting to freak out. Are you sure you didn’t—”
The waiter materialized, red faced, with a bread basket. “Can I start you ladies off with drinks?” he asked with an Irish accent.
“Four vodka tonics, please,” Maya said.
“Oh no, I just want water,” Renee said.
Maya frowned at her, turned back to the waiter. “Three vodka tonics—” she pointed to Hannah “—and make hers a double. She lost her drugs.”
“Sorry to hear that,” he said, flipping his order pad closed. “Coming right up. And, uh... I may know a guy...”
“Thanks, I’m good.” Hannah smiled politely.
“I might hit you up later,” Blue said to him.
Hannah turned back to Maya. She didn’t know how to impress upon her how necessary her Xanax was.
“Wait!” Maya called to the waiter, dodging Hannah’s gaze. She surveyed the table. “Do we want to order appetizers now? Let me answer that—yes. Last time we had that amazing calamari, right?”