“Actually, I don’t eat squid anymore,” Renee said. “Darrin read that they’re really good at problem solving, so...”
“Is that right?” Maya said. “Well, until they figure out how to stay off my plate, I’m eating them. An order of calamari and some crab cakes, too, please.”
“I just want a salad,” Renee said, placing her napkin in her lap. “No tomatoes. Or actually if I could trade tomatoes for grapes, that would be wonderful. Dressing on the side, please.”
Blue lifted her gaze to the ceiling. Hannah sensed that her high might be wearing off.
The waiter nodded and retreated again.
“Please focus, Maya,” Hannah said. “You gave me a pill in the motel room and then...what? Where did you put the bottle? Did you throw it away? Did you put it in your bag? Think!” She could hear her voice rising against her efforts to maintain self-control. The flashbacks threatening to seize her again without warning. “It’s really important.”
Maya opened her mouth to answer just as Hannah’s phone rang.
Hannah looked down at it. Then up at the girls. “Oh no.”
MAYA
Maya watched as Hannah barreled out of her chair with wide, worried eyes and disappeared onto the patio. Christ, was it too much to ask to have one thing go right on this trip?
“Probably Vivian,” Blue said.
The table was quiet for a moment.
“Henry’s mom?” Renee asked. “I hope he’s okay.”
“He is,” Maya said. She wasn’t concerned. She was frustrated. The last thing Hannah needed right now was a call from Henry’s mother.
“By the way,” Blue said, “did you take Hannah’s Xanax?”
Maya was indignant. “What? No. Why on earth would I do that?”
Blue shrugged. “Seems like something you would do.”
Maya was about to protest but of course it was something she would do, because she did do it. And she should’ve just admitted it. She was very bad about fessing up. Always had been. She blamed her crap childhood for that. It was pure survival mechanism—hiding mistakes that could be used against her. But she was thirty now and should probably get around to fixing that little character flaw.
Still. All she wanted was to help Hannah and, okay, now she could see it was wrong to take her Xanax, just like maybe it had been wrong to invite Renee, but her intentions had been good! That had to count for something, right? She planned to sneak it back into Hannah’s purse as soon as they got back from dinner. Even though she didn’t want to believe it was a mistake. What she wanted was for Hannah to see that she didn’t need it, that the world wasn’t as frightening as she believed. And she wanted Blue and Renee to be friends again. She wanted everything to go back to the way it was. This was her family. Didn’t they get it? She needed them. She also wanted a loan from Blue so she could save her house but that was a whole other self-inflicted headache. The sudden thought of it, of being homeless—not out on the street—but without a home, was a peek into some interior darkness, a kind of bottomless falling.
In the past she’d always just borrowed from Blue, no problem. Each time she genuinely believed she would eventually pay it back. But this was different. This was a catastrophic screwup. She didn’t even want to say the number out loud because then she’d have to sit in it, and frankly, she didn’t like sitting in bad feelings, especially about herself. But perhaps she could mention it and hope that maybe Blue would offer to lend her the money. She knew Blue would be pissed, but then again, it could be argued she was giving Blue an opportunity to look like a big shot in front of Renee. To swoop in as the hero. Show off how successful she was. Technically, Maya decided, she was doing Blue a favor.
“Is it terrible that sometimes I think it would be better if something did happen to Henry?” Blue said.
“I think that often,” Maya said. “If it was me, I’d want you guys to yank the hell out of that plug. It’s not a life.”
“For either of them,” Blue said.
“That’s a terrible thing to say,” Renee said. “They could find a cure tomorrow. He’s still young. And technology is advancing.”
Maya saw Blue’s jaw set. She locked eyes with her, tried to discourage what she sensed was coming.
“Just out of curiosity, Renee,” Blue said, as Maya slunk lower in her seat, “when was the last time you saw Hannah? Or Henry, for that matter?”
Renee opened her mouth, said nothing.
Blue folded her arms, pinned her with a steely look. “Right,” she said.
A seagull swooped down just outside the window, snagged a bread crumb someone left on the railing, flew off.
Renee watched it go, shook her head. Finally she turned to Maya. “I told you this was a mistake.”
Maya sighed.
In the distance a night fishing boat glided by, its white lights shining like little moons on the black bay. Maya imagined jumping fully clothed into the water, swimming out to it, drifting away like a lazy afternoon. Perhaps a cute captain on board. Destination unknown and irrelevant. She loved this thought—that an entirely different life was one crazy leap away.
“Hey, remember when we went fishing at the lighthouse?” she said, scrambling for a way to keep the peace. She hadn’t thought about that in so long.
That was their first summer out here together, before boys mattered too much and alcohol was a few years away and they were all still trying to discover what they loved to do.
“None of us wanted to go,” she said to Blue, “except you.” The rest of them thought it would be gross and dull and way too early to wake up. “But then Renee saw how important it was to you, so she made us.” They’d laughed at Renee when she came downstairs that morning all ready to fish in platform sandals and a white summer dress like she was headed to the Bridgehampton polo classic.
They’d tiptoed out of the house and down to the beach. The predawn sky was an electric violet—the color lightning makes in a nighttime storm. The sand was soft and cool. They’d been out there only a few moments when the sun began crowning out of the sea, igniting a fiery road of light across the water. It seemed as if they could walk right out and touch its glowing head.
“Look,” Hannah had said. “It’s the sunrise highway!”
“I love it,” Blue had replied. “It totally is.”
They cast their lines and watched the swimming sun and stood shoulder to shoulder inside the stillness of that ocean light. After about ten minutes Maya decided she was bored and soon after Hannah, too, was complaining. Renee was clearly suffering in silence. Blue tried to teach them that this is what fishing was, patience and quiet and reflection.