She followed Renee inside, an embarrassing sweat breaking out on her forehead and the back of her legs. She thought of her apartment back in NYC. She thought of the size of her bank account. She tried to stand on these things like an island, but they were thin ice, unable to bear her weight. It was terrifying how easy it was to lose herself, to summon everything she knew when she was alone and find it too slippery to hold in the face of other people, becoming only the thing that they valued or didn’t.
Renee led the way through the crowd. The light was soft, strung like a mimic of stars, the room crowded with the chatter of guests and the chime of silverware, the salty air off the bay reaching through the open doors. Everyone was in their Hamptons whites, girls with sweaters tied over their delicate shoulders, bleached teeth laughing against tan, taut faces.
Blue was being assaulted by her own inadequacy. She was lumbering and odd looking, a spectacle here. Each person she passed looked through her on their way to talk to someone who mattered. Renee, on the other hand, looked like she completely belonged.
Why was she doing this to herself? It wasn’t worth it.
She gave a cursory glance around the room. “Doesn’t look like he’s here,” she said. “Let’s go.”
Renee grabbed her arm. “He’s right over there. Look.”
Jack was waving at them from a table. Blue’s heart backfired and her legs were suddenly loose and unreliable. She waved back and tried to smile but her mouth spasmed and she imagined she must look insane.
I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this.
Her head seemed to be filling with water, distorting light and sound.
She started toward the patio for a cigarette. Reached into her purse for the pack. It was empty. Of course.
She rerouted to the bar.
“Where are you going?” Renee said, tripping after her.
“I need a drink.” And a minute to calm the hell down.
Blue glanced back at Jack. He was talking to his friend, making him laugh, looking like every other person in the place, perfect and good-looking and at ease. She was so ridiculously in over her head. She could barely even manage small talk, no less be cool or coy or charming. What on earth would she have to offer someone like him? Nothing, that’s what. It made her want to cry. Foolish, stupid girl. She waved a large bill at the bartender to get his attention. He ignored her and served two beautiful women at the other end of the bar.
“I don’t think you should have another,” Renee said. “You need to be lucid.”
“I’m unbearably lucid,” Blue said.
Finally the bartender came over.
“A shot of gin and tonic. And a tequila. Please.”
“You mean a shot of tequila and a gin and tonic?” he said, taking the cash.
“Sure, whatever.”
Renee hid her eyes.
Two glasses were set in front of Blue. She turned her back to Jack’s table and gulped down the shot. She grabbed the gin and tonic, downed that too. The booze seemed to rocket into her brain almost instantly. “Better,” she said.
They weaved their way through the crowd.
Jack saw them coming and stood. Up close, in the dim romantic lighting, he looked doubly handsome and intimidating, immediately robbing her of all her liquid courage. “You came!” he said.
“Heyyy,” Blue said. She was trying to sound cool, but she was struggling to modulate her voice over the blood-rush of adrenaline in her ears. “What’s happenin’?”
He put his hand up and Blue appallingly found herself throwing him a high five before she realized he was just waving to Renee behind her. He paused, puzzled, then met Blue’s hand with his and held it rather than slapped it.
“You look different without the hat and the glasses and the...morning ice cream bar, ha ha,” he said.
She was sure she saw a shadow cross his face as he observed the sad reality of her.
He thinks I’m ugly, she thought, and the awful notion drifted down into the depths of her and lodged itself there. I should leave. Walk out with my dignity intact. Already she hated him. Already she hated herself.
“Hey, again,” Renee said, holding her arms out for a hug.
“Hey,” Jack said, pulling her in. “You came after all.”
Blue watched, burning. “She’s engaged,” she said. It just fell out. Because of course he would want Renee and not her. Wasn’t that always how it went? Two beautiful people. They looked like they belonged together.
“No way! Tonight? Where’s the lucky guy?”
“No, not tonight...ah...” Renee looked askance at Blue.
“Well, congratulations. This is my friend Peter.” Jack gestured to the shy-looking guy beside him wearing a crisp white shirt and a clear desire to be elsewhere. “Peter, this is Renee and Blue.”
“Howdy,” Peter said, and Blue considered he was the male version of herself. In fact, Jack probably brought him to match them up. Oh God, seriously though, he probably did.
They sat. Blue was so nervous she misjudged the distance, landing heavily in her chair. She couldn’t bear to look at Jack, to catch any hint of disappointment in his face. She decided she was still too sober, tried, to no avail, to get the attention of a passing waitress. When she turned back to the table, Jack had said something that made Renee laugh.
“So what do you do, Peter?” Blue said, angling away from Jack. If he was going to fall in love with Renee, then she was going to ignore him and flirt with his sour-looking friend and pretend she was having a blast.
“Real estate,” Peter said, glancing around the room.
“Commercial or private?”
“Private.”
“I would have guessed commercial.”
He looked at her strangely. “No. Nope.”
“Nice. Well. I love real estate. I have a great apartment, a large penthouse, actually. Across from Central Park.” She heard herself talking loudly, trying to sound important, but she couldn’t stop the train. She snuck a furtive look at Jack. He was showing Renee something on his phone. Hello. Did he not see the massive ring? She plowed on. “And I work in finance. Many real estate deals. Big money deals.” Jesus Christ.
“Oh.” He shifted uncomfortably. “So, uh, how do you and Jack know each other?”
Jack turned, tuned in. His eyes met and locked on Blue’s.
“That’s a good question, actually,” Jack said. “Where did we meet? Ice cream shop, wasn’t it?”
Blue stiffened. “Actually, the beach first.”