Everything there seemed so ordinary. It would be interesting to have class in the Art of War from time to time. The contact lenses bothered my eyes, I had to get used to them, but that was the least. Everything around me seemed different, people, places. In fact, everything was the same, even my apart bangs. What had changed was inside of me.
The busy days turned into weeks, which turned into months. Lumen had become a sweet memory in my daily life in Sweden. I tried to go through life, forgetting that dream, the place, the people, as if it were possible. Not for a minute could I get that out of my mind, but with each passing day I had less courage to drop everything and go back. My father wasn't the same after we got back either. He stopped the drink addiction, valued our family more, was more loving with me, to mom, and Rodrigo too. Because of this, mom started to hate me less and life at the house was more peaceful. I never felt that sickness thinking about going back home after school again. But something still bothered me.
I wasn't as unhappy as I was before, but I wasn't happy as I wanted to be. The fourth dimension opened my heart to feelings I thought I didn't even deserve, too good to be true. Now I wanted more, needed to be happier, even though I didn't have the courage to assume it. Fear kept hammering in my head, telling me my place was here and that I had to accept this life, an internal struggle waged within me.
When summer showed up, it brought warmth (nothing compared to the two suns) and more happiness to the city. Colorful flowers were already gracing the streets when we celebrated the arrival of the new season, Midsummer, Sweden's largest holiday that is almost as important as Christmas. We wear flower crowns on our heads and make weird dances around the main pole. Somewhat strange to outsiders, but at the same time interesting, they have a lot to celebrate when the heat comes to this beautiful, icy land.
I was going to go to college next year, even though I couldn't imagine myself doing it. I couldn't decide what to do in college, what to study. When someone asked what I wanted to be, I said, "Whatever." My mind occupied itself with the normalities of here, but my heart burned with longing. Even trying to follow, everyone noticed that something about me changed forever. They couldn't say what, but something was different and it wasn't the purple color disguised in that lens of my eyes.
Finally, I finished the last year of high school, what a relief! It was a big party day for the students, where the girls wear white dresses and the boy’s black suits, all with Studentmossa, or white cap, a kind of sailor hat. We had our celebration at Schillerska School, and at the door of the school parents were waiting for us with gifts and pictures of when we were children. This is all part of the tradition here in Sweden, all students had their pictures out and white caps on their heads. We wandered the streets waving Swedish flags, celebrating our freedom to have survived high school (for me was too easy, compared to what I'd been through). But I didn’t feel happy, something was heavy inside me and it wasn’t greasy food.
The ball was that night. Party preparations, dress, and not-so-good grades tried to occupy my head. Of course, Gustav was my date at the ball, out of friendship, lack of choice and everything. I didn't want to go with any other boy, at least not from this dimension.
I watched the melancholy sunset from my window as he came to my house and we walked along to the ball, where the party had already begun. I wasn't excited, but I had to work hard. It was a few months before my eighteenth birthday, and that made me more apprehensive. After that day, I could never go to Lumen, never again. All this time, I spent hours and hours looking at that necklace in my room, thinking of everything that was waiting for me right there, a dimension away. But what about courage? It was a difficult decision to make, I didn't know what to do, nor did I enjoy the ball, thinking about it. Should I drop everything and go back to Lumen?
As we danced, the band played a song that resonated in my chest. I had become an apathetic nostalgic maniac. Needless to say, the memories (or the dreams) the music brought back to me. Gustav noticed and blew something in my ear that was like balm on the wound.
“Lola, whatever worries you, life will show you the way.”
“Why did you tell me that?”
“You're not the same, for a while now you've been away, you don't seem to be here. So by our friendship, I mean you shouldn't worry about anything. Life will always find a way to point you in the right direction.”
I was speechless, staring at him as we waltzed. He really liked me, what a golden friend he was. I felt some relief at those words, as if I had no choice but to let life decide for me. I left worrying about my birthday, when I would have to have a final answer. Until then, I was going to try to relax. That's what I did, the rest of the ball was lighter and even more fun. Gustav even tried to kiss me, but got a nice slap on the arm.
Time passed faster after I stopped worrying about making a decision to leave or stay.
Three months after the ball, my birthday had come, only two days left for it. The cold was back in our city. We’d celebrate my eighteenth birthday the day before, as this year's date would fall on a Monday, and no party would fit on the agenda in the middle of the week. This time, there was no barbecue or a more meaningful party, we had a family celebration. The nervousness began to suffocate me in full swing. One day before the final decision whether or not to go to Lumen, there was no way to be calm! I couldn't sleep, my hunger subsided, all the calm of the last few weeks was down the drain. Time was pushing me. I wanted to go, but lacked the courage. Just thinking about leaving my family... What if something happened to them? What if they needed me? Doubts that frightened me like a ghost made my stomach fill with worry instead of food. Even so, we all went to a pizza place near home to celebrate. Dad, mom, Rodrigo, Auntie Eva, Gustav, and me (Mrs. Lena couldn’t go this time, better). Auntie Eva this year gave me two other books like this diary, so now I can make a collection with three. According to her, ‘I have a lot to write about.’ Useful gift, since this one is already going to end.
My dad ordered two vegetarian pizzas especially for us (I joined him in this choice after Lumen) and my usual green cake, a delicious princesstarta, or princess cake, no joke intended. While they were singing happy birthday a waiter brought it with eighteen candles. The song brought me back a year ago to that dinner where it all began, the accident I suffered and the day of my seventeenth birthday, when my life had changed forever. In a sigh, I was back in my red wool turtleneck blouse, dress, and knee-high socks, at my party, listening to the new album my mom’s friends gave me, all excited about the music and me in that agony wanting to know the secret they were hiding from me. I never imagined what a different and crazy adventure was to come, it was worth going through all that, just to live everything that happened to me afterwards.
Looking at the cake and seeing my past, I listened in the background to my dad.
“Make a wish and blow your candle.”
I closed my eyes and blew out the candles. I wished to be happy, without fear, with anyone, wherever I went. Not afraid to face the choices I make, in the challenge of living with them, without guilt.
We returned home after the restaurant. I went up to my room to be alone with my noisy mind. By myself, my head was already making too much noise. Mom was cradling Rodrigo in her room when dad came to my door.
“Can I come in, birthday girl?”