“Me too, Thea,” he said. “The best time.”
I took his hand and put the bottle in his palm, curled his fingers around it. “I won’t give up.”
Jim made a sound deep in his chest and hauled me into his embrace. His sigh of relief expanded under my head and then turned into a ragged exhale.
“I hate this,” he said, muffled. “I hate that I’m relieved you have to go back to that hell.” He held me close, kissing my forehead, then his hands slipped to my cheeks, to hold my face. Tears shone in his eyes but he fought them back. “You’re so brave,” he whispered. “You’re so fucking brave.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. I’m going to be with you every day. Every day, Thea.”
I shook my head. “I can’t think about that right now. Not yet. I took the medication this morning. We still have tonight, at least. Let me have that before…”
Before I go away again.
He nodded, his thumbs brushing the tears that streamed down my cheeks.
“What do you want to do? Anything you want. Name it.”
“I want to watch the sunset up here,” I said. “I want to eat Italian food at a place that’s dark and has little candles on the table. And I want you to sing for me. Will you do that?”
“Yeah, Thea,” he said, hoarse and raw. “I will.” He held up the pill bottle. “And these?”
I closed my eyes, inhaled deep. I breathed a prayer to those who came before me in Dr. Milton’s study. Those who suffered and died so that I could make the right choice.
Please let it be the right choice.
I opened my eyes. “Throw them away.”
Jimmy nodded and did as I asked, then came back to me. He slipped out of his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders, then put his arms around me again, my back to his front, his chin resting on my shoulder. I held his arms and tried to capture the feel of him, his breath on my cheek and his strong body shielding me. Embedding his molecules into me. Indelible and unforgettable.
The sunset’s last rays spilled between New York’s buildings and the sky became bruised and beautiful.
I turned in Jimmy’s arms and let my eyes fall closed. Inhale. Exhale.
“I’m ready.”
Chapter 35
Thea
We went back to the hotel so I could shower and change.
“What about Delia?” Jimmy asked.
“I can’t talk to her yet,” I said. “Would you mind calling her?”
“What do I tell her?”
“Tell her I took the meds today, but I won’t take any more. We’re going to have one more night here and head back tomorrow.”
“Anything else?”
“No,” I said. “Not yet.”
I had plenty to say to my sister, but tonight was for Jimmy and me.
I showered and pulled on the pretty white sundress I bought with Rita at the mall. It was wrinkled from being smashed in the bottom of my backpack, but I’d hung it up in the bathroom when we checked in so the steam from our showers could smooth it.
“What do you think?” I asked.
Jim sat at the foot of the bed, phone in hand. His heavy gaze swept over me. “You’re beautiful.”
“I bought it for you. I told Rita I wanted to put it on just so you could rip it off me.”
“Oh yeah?”
“She didn’t tell you? Good. She kept the girl code.”
Jimmy’s smile faded. I stood between his knees and brushed my fingers through his hair. “We have tonight,” I said. “So, let’s really have it, okay?”
He nodded, and I kissed him softly, then headed back to the bathroom mirror to finish getting ready. “You talked to my sister?”
“She wants you back now. Even offered to pay for a flight.”
“What did you tell her?”
“Thanks, but no thanks. She’ll see you soon enough.”
“Good answer.”
I put on a little mascara and perfume and brushed my hair until it fell in soft waves over my shoulders. Jimmy was darkly handsome in black.
“I’m in white, you’re in black,” I said. “Like yin and yang.”
“The brightest light…” Jimmy murmured, almost to himself. He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. I felt the grief in it. The goodbye.
Not yet.
“Come on,” I said, forcing a smile. “We have more New York-ing to do.”
We took a cab to an Italian bistro on the Upper East Side that was dark and had little candles on every table. The hostess seated us, and we opened the menus silently.
What does one order for their last meal?
For Jimmy’s sake, I bit back the bad joke. The reality of my situation was sinking into him too. His expression was that of a man in chronic pain but putting on a brave face.
“Hey,” I said, reaching across the table to take his hand. “Stay with me.”
His brows furrowed. “How are you so okay right now?”
“I don’t know, honestly,” I said. “I freaked out this morning. And I probably have more freaking out to do, but right now is what we have. I have you and I’m happy.”
“You deserve more than a few days,” he said, his teeth gritted. “It’s fucking… cruel.”
“These last few days have been the best of my life. I would’ve learned about the Hazarin side effects whether I stayed at Blue Ridge or not. And if I’d stayed, I’d be going back to prison with zero memory of the outside world. But I left. And now I have this time in New York with you to carry me through. I have something to hold on to.”
He nodded and did his best to carry on through dinner as if a huge mountain weren’t about to drop on my head. I felt its shadow over me—it was coming, and it was going to hurt. But tonight, I wouldn’t let the fear touch me.
After dinner, we strolled down Second Avenue and came to a bar with live music pouring out its open windows. A flyer on the window said it was open mic night.
“Let’s get a drink here and listen to some music,” I said. “And no, this isn’t me passive-aggressively hinting you should sing in front of all these people, I swear. That’s later in the hotel.”
As he gazed over the bar, Jimmy’s expression was unreadable. “You made me the better, stronger version of myself.” He nodded his chin at the crowd. “They should know that. You deserve for them to know that.”
“Are you serious?” I asked. “You’re going to sing in front of all those people?”
“Don’t cry yet,” he said. “Wait until I make a complete ass of myself.”
I laughed and wiped my eyes. “That’s not going to happen.”
“We’ll see.”
Jimmy put his name on the list and asked the guy if they had a house guitar he could borrow; his instrument was back at the hotel. The guy said they did, and we took a table near the side of the small stage. He nursed a beer, and I had a glass of red wine. Men and women got up and sang to the bar’s sound system or used their own instruments.
“Jim Whelan,” the MC announced finally. “Come on up.”