Sol sucks air through his nose and holds it for several seconds before releasing through his mouth. “You and Levi seem quite . . . He likes you.”
I don’t know where he’s going with this, so I nod. “He’s great, I guess.”
“You like him, too.” It’s a question, phrased like a statement.
I nod, feeling uncomfortable and guilty. “Can we talk about something else?”
I take a bite of my waffle, hoping Sol will take my cue and drop this subject. When I look up, I notice he’s not eating. His whole mood has shifted, his jaw has gone tight and his eyes dart from me to his plate. He holds his fork between his fingers, lightly tapping it on his plate. He’s anxious, but I don’t know about what.
The energy between us grows thick with unspoken words. Feeling parched all of a sudden, I set my fork on the table and push my plate aside, then take a sip of the water the waiter delivered with our meal and brace for a storm which I never saw coming.
“Something wrong?” I ask above the rim of my glass. Leaning forward, he places his elbows on the table, clasping his hands together in front of him.
After a pause and deep breath he says, “So you and Levi . . .”
Sol trails off, letting the question linger in the air.
Dammit, he’s not going to let this go.
I rub my finger across my forehead and take a calming breath that doesn’t calm me at all.
“I don’t want to do this with you, okay? Just . . . let it go, please.”
“Are you together now? Like officially?” Sol continues as though he didn’t hear what I just said.
Sol isn’t usually one to pick a fight. He’s the calmest, most even keeled person I know. Where I can fly off the handle and fan the flames, Sol will trigger the extinguisher when things get too hot. He’s methodical, and thoughtful, never one to start an argument, and always the one to end it, to apologize, to move on. He’s the peacekeeper, the mediator, the problem solver. So, for Sol to sit here and look me in the eyes while ignoring my pleas means he’s reached his tipping point.
I can’t do this right now. Not just because having a conversation with my ex about the guy that I might sort-of-kind-of be seeing is awkward, but because I can’t answer Sol’s questions. I haven’t had time to sort through my feelings for Levi to know what anything means.
“I said drop it, Sol.” I slam both hands on the table in frustration practically sending our silverware to the floor
“I can’t drop it Grace, not after what I just saw. He kissed you like—”
“Oh, my gosh. It was just a kiss.” I cut him off, anger now coursing through my blood. I don’t even know why I’m defending myself. Yeah, it must have sucked for Sol to see another guy kissing me. But it’s not like I initiated it. And maybe I did enjoy it, but Sol doesn’t need to know that. Besides, I’m single, I can kiss whomever I want, whenever I want.
So why do I feel so guilty?
“So, you liked it? Or was that all just a show to make me jealous?”
It’s official, Sol has lost his damn mind.
“Jealous? You think I would do something like that? I didn’t even know he was going to kiss me.”
“Oh, come on Grace.” Sol throws his napkin on the table and leans in closer to me. “Like you didn’t know I was right there.”
“Sol—” My voice quivers forcing me to stop. I’m so pissed I feel like my body is on fire. I roll my eyes at Sol’s audacity, then push away from the table and stand. “Are you angry because someone else kissed me or because I’ve moved on?” His nostrils flare, jaw clenches. When he doesn’t answer, I lean forward. “You know what? Fuck you, Sol. Go to Italy, Uganda, whatever. I’m not going to sit around, twiddling my thumbs waiting for you.”
I spin around and storm toward the door. I hear him grunt, then the sound of a chair scraping on the floor. In my rush to get away from Sol, I practically bulldoze my way past an incoming customer. I mutter a quick, apology before dashing outside.
Gray clouds gather above and the wind has picked up mimicking the turmoil I feel inside. Trees sway, leaves swirl and my senses tingle as the familiar smell of rain washes over me.
I start pacing in the parking lot, tears pricking my eyes. My chest feels tight with disappointment and hurt. Hurt that Sol could think so little of me, disappointed that I put myself into this position.
I need to leave before he finds me here.
Shit. Why didn’t I drive my car instead of letting MJ drop me at Levi’s place? If Sol and I end up in the same space again, I’m scared of what I might do. I feel. . . violent. Like I might rip him apart, then slam my mouth to his and just kiss the hell out of him.
Ugh.
I pull my cell from my pocket and open the Uber app just as it starts to rain. From the corner of my eye, I see Sol jogging toward me. My heart speeds up and my throat burns with suppressed tears.
“Grace, I’m sorry,” he says as he halts in front of me. It’s raining harder and he has to yell to be heard over the downfall. “I was a jerk back in there and—Please don’t cry.” His tender words and voice send tears spilling down my face. He reaches forward as if to cup my face, but I step back and swipe the tears away with my hand.
He swallows hard and shoves his fists inside his pockets. “I fucked up, okay? I’m incredibly sorry. I put you in an awful position. I just couldn’t let you go, I didn’t know how, but I didn’t want to.” He slays me with his words as the truth shine in his eyes. “I still don’t.”
He bridges the space between us, and now he’s so close the distinct scent of his cologne tickles my nose.
“You hurt me, Sol.” My adrenaline is running low and I’m exhausted. I don’t want to fight anymore.
“I know. I’m sorry,” he admits, placing a finger under my chin and tugging it up so meet his gaze. “I had no clue my life would take such a turn before you. All I know is that my life right now starts and ends with you.”
I glance down at my feet, feeling the tension ease in my shoulders. Now that my anger has somewhat subsided, my thinking process is clearer. Closing my eyes for just a few seconds, I try to imagine myself in the same situation as Sol. How would I feel if I saw another woman kissing him? The boy I still love with all my heart?
Ugh. My stomach revolts at the thought. I’d die for sure. Or stab her.
I open my eyes and meet Sol’s. His finger relaxes as if he’s about to let go of my chin. Pauses. Then he’s dropping his hand and wrapping both arms around me and hugging me tight. He whispers into my hair, “I love you so much, Gracie.” Those six words cocoon me, turning my stomach into a playground for butterflies.
Giving in to the comfort, I hug him back, burying my face into his chest and sighing.
Why does he have to leave? Why can’t he stay and we can figure things out together? “I know you say you love me, and this might sound selfish of me,” I blurt out, unable to silence my thoughts any longer. “You keep choosing other things and, well, I guess I’m wondering . . . it’s never gonna happen, right? You and me?”
As I said, hope is such a mean bitch. I want to kick myself. Hard.
He pulls back, still holding me, and looks into my eyes. Something shifts inside me, I don’t know what but it’s clawing and restless and familiar.