“You and Grace. . . everything okay now?”
I laugh tiredly, the sound bouncing around the truck. “I’m flying halfway across the world instead of sticking around and making things work. Everything is not okay.” Anger burns in my chest. Anger at myself for agreeing to go on this trip and for putting distance between us yet again. I didn’t realize how angry I was until I spoke those words.
“Then why the fuck are you leaving, man?”
“Because . . .shit.” I close my eyes and Luke’s face flashes inside my head. “Because of the promise I made to Luke, and after everything that I’ve done, I can’t let him down.”
“Why do you put everyone else’s needs before yours?” he asks, sounding angry.
I sigh. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Then explain it to me. Make me understand.”
Leaning my head on the headrest, I stare up. “I feel like I’ll never be good enough, you know? And I hate that I feel this way, because in my head, I know that’s not true. I love Grace so freaking much, so much. It scares me because I have nothing to offer her. No college education. I don’t even have any idea what I want to do.”
“You need to stop being hard on yourself. Want another lecture on self-love, dude?”
“No, thank you,” I say quickly, not eager to get into another Self-Love 101 with Ivan. Last time he gave me that speech on the phone, I couldn’t shut him up.
I open my mouth to confess that I kissed Grace, but then snap it shut. My self-respect is already down the drain; I don’t want to put my stupidity in the limelight.
My brain backtracks to what he said seconds ago, which is what Grace said back at the diner. Am I being too hard on myself?
I shake those thoughts, feeling frustrated.
My gaze darts to the clock on the dashboard. It’s almost 5:00 p.m. “I have to go.”
I still have to pack and do some last-minute stuff before my trip.
“Check in before you leave, okay?”
I chuckle. “God, you’re so needy.”
“Oh, fuck you. Just humor me, okay?”
“Yes, Mom.”
After the call, I restart the truck, pull away from the curb and drive off.
“So let me get this straight. Levi kissed you.”
I nod, plonking down on the floor and crossing my legs, ready to start my meditation. By the time MJ came back to our room last night, I’d already fallen asleep. I’d been watching Two Weeks Notice on Netflix while waiting for her, but I ended up dozing off. When I woke up this morning, the laptop was sitting on my desk. She’d gotten in while I was asleep, closed it, and placed it there without waking me up. I’m glad she let me sleep, though. I needed it after the day I’d had.
“And you . . . kissed Sol, too?” she asks, her eyebrows going up higher.
“Yep.”
She pauses, executing a yoga pose, and looks at me. “Wow. Together? Like a Levi-Grace-Sol sandwich?”
“What? No.” I laugh at the disappointment on her face. “You have a dirty mind, babe.”
“Okay, so what happened?”
I sigh, momentarily giving up on the idea of finding my Zen. I bring her up to date on yesterday’s events, ending the recount with, “So I needed to watch a romcom badly. Sandra and Hugh always do it for me. And now, can we stop talking about it for, like, thirty minutes?”
“But I need to know more,” she whines.
“There’s nothing more to tell. Sol and I fought before he left. I haven’t seen or talked to Levi. End of story.”
“You fought? About what?” she asks.
“After Levi kissed me, Sol wasn’t amused. It was an entirely different level of messy.”
“Ugh. I can’t believe I missed all that angst. At least you got mouth action, right?” She grins. “So how was it? Being kissed by two guys? Is it different? Who’s the better kisser?”
“Oh, God.” I hang my head and close my eyes, my mind going over those damn mind-blowing kisses. “They were both . . . very good.” I open my eyes and lock them on her. “Really good. How can two different people make me feel like . . . like I’m being consumed by fire? Ugh. That’s why I don’t want to think about it. It’s too confusing. And I feel like I’m cheating on both of them even though I’m not with either of them.”
Her gaze softens. “You’re allowed to enjoy yourself. Get kissed and make bad decisions. After all, the bad ones sometimes end up being really good.”
Yeah, bad decisions. I know about those. And I know how much it sucks when they come back to bite you in the ass.
I don’t say anything. Instead, I resume my cross-legged pose and prop my hands on top of each thigh with my middle finger and thumb of each hand touching, then close my eyes.
MJ seems to get the message. She resumes, as well, settling into another pose.
We are several minutes into our first meditation and yoga session, to soft sounds in the background, when a tap, tap, tap on the door interrupts our focus.
I pop one of my eyes open and glance at MJ. The position she has her lithe body twisted in has me doubting she has any bones in her body.
“You expecting someone?” MJ asks, efficiently untangling her legs from the back of her neck and switching to another position.
“Nope. You?” I ask, watching her, fascinated.
She shakes her head.
I shrug and close my eye, hoping whoever it is will go away. It’s our first Yoga Sunday, as MJ put it, which means finding my Zen. I desperately need it after yesterday’s visit from Sol and the subsequent fight between him and Levi. And the kiss. Kisses.
God, the kisses.
I’m not touching that. Not now. Every time it pops into my head, my body shakes as though an earthquake is coursing through me. I don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling.
Another knock sounds on the door, and I groan under my breath.
Pushing that memory to the back of my mind, I open my eyes and give MJ a once-over. “Cirque du Soleil called. They want their stunt back.”
“Shut up,” she says without even breaking a sweat.
“MJ? Grace? I can hear you talking in there,” a familiar deep voice says.
Levi.
Ack. I’m not ready to face him yet.
MJ sits upright and wiggles her brows. “Hmm. Do you think he’s come back for more mouth action?”
“Ugh. You are disgusting.” I unfold my legs and stand, then head to the door to let Levi in.
He’s leaning his shoulder on the doorframe, head bowed down. He’s wearing a white T-shirt that hugs his upper body and a pair of running shorts that hang around his hips, stopping at his knees. Heat settles low in my stomach, and I clench my thighs with need. Damn, those calves are sexy.
He looks up, locking his gaze with mine. He scratches the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. “I got your message. The boys and I were at soccer practice when you called.”
I nod, then gape, taking in his face.
“Holy shit.” I lift my hand to the large purple bruise on his jaw, spreading across his cheek. He winces when the tips of my fingers brush the skin there. I pull my hand back and cross my arms on my chest. “So was it worth it?”