The ringing stops and then picks up again seconds later. I sigh and answer the call.
“Hi, Grace,” Emily greets, her voice cracking on my name. She sounds like she’s about to cry. Or has been crying. “I’m so sorry for the things William said about your mother and. . .I just wanted you to know I hoped things would end differently.”
My eyes well up with tears. “I hoped that, too.”
She sniffs. “Do you think you’d give us another chance? William and I, we’ve missed being a part of your life and Debra’s. We—I want to be part of it. Just think about it, okay?”
“Okay,” I say. “Thank you for driving to Northford to see me.” Jeez. That sounds cold after what she just said. It must have taken her a lot of courage to even call me. “Emily? I’ll talk to Mom and see what we can do.”
She utters a breathless, “Thank you. I’m going to let you get some rest now.”
“Have a safe drive back to New York.”
After the phone call, I gather all the food and shove it inside the bag, no longer hungry, and toss it in the garbage. My evening started out well, then it kind of fizzled out. It picked up again after Sol called, followed by the talk with my grandmother, which was nice.
But now, lying here in bed with my thoughts as my companion, I can’t stop thinking about Sol and Levi. Levi and Sol. My stomach is in knots, and I have this feeling that everything is about to change.
I have no fucking idea what to do, other than wait.
It’s the last weeks of school before Christmas break, the weather is cold and dreary and everyone on campus is stressed out, tired and ready—no, scratch that, desperate for a break. Finals are kicking everyone’s ass, and we’re all ready to go home to spend the holidays with our families.
I’m in the dining hall getting lunch in between classes. My Econ final kicked my butt, and I have an hour before my next. After paying for my food, I carry my tray into the crowded sitting area, looking for an empty table when I hear my name being called by a familiar voice on my right.
“Yo, Grace! Over here.” I glance in the direction of the voice and see Ivan, waving his hand at me.
I make my way to where he’s sitting and plop down in the booth seat opposite him. “Ivan, hey.”
“Hey, I haven’t seen you around since before Thanksgiving break. How’s it going?” He pops a couple of fries in his mouth and takes a sip of his drink while I take my food off the tray, stealing one of his fries in the process.
“It’s going okay, I guess. I’m ready for winter break. Finals are a bitch.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, tell me about it. Speaking of break, did MJ send you the list of what she needs for her birthday? We can split the errands between us so she can focus on organizing the party.”
I nod, excited. MJ’s birthday is on January first. But she plans on celebrating it on New Year’s Eve instead.
“Yeah, of course.” I unwrap my sandwich and pour dressing on my salad.
“Okay, I’ll text you later what I have in mind.” Ivan stares at me for a few heartbeats, his expression curious. “So, how was your Thanksgiving?”
I shrug and glance down at my plate. I wonder how much I should tell him and how much he already knows from MJ. I told her about Sol calling me, and she had all these questions about feelings. How do I feel about Sol? What about Levi? Then she just stared at me and said, “Girl, you’re in big trouble.”
And that was it.
Ugh.
“Um, it wasn’t that great. I was supposed to have dinner with my grandparents, but that went to hell before it even had a chance to start.”
“That sucks. Sorry to hear that.” He stuffs more food into his mouth and chews. I swear Ivan consumes food like a Hoover vacuum, though you would never know it by how lean and muscular he is. I can’t help but be jealous. Some things in life just aren’t fair.
“Thanks. But, it wasn’t all bad. Sol called.” I say this, hoping I sound nonchalant, like Sol is just some next-door neighbor - not the boy who still has a piece of my heart- and Ivan isn’t Sol’s best friend, who also happens to know all the sordid details of our past relationship.
The minute the words leave my mouth, Ivan’s fork stops mid-air and he’s gaping at me. I take a huge bite of my sandwich, trying to calm my nerves.
“Mmm, they make a really good Reuben. Want some?” I laugh nervously. Ivan sits back, folding his arms on his chest. I have his full attention now.
“So, you and Sol talked. Go on.”
I set my sandwich down, knowing I can’t take back the words. “It’s not a big deal Ivan, okay? He called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, and we just ended up catching up is all. Please don’t make this out to be more than it is.”
“I’m not making it out to be anything, Grace. I’m just curious. You’re still with Levi, right?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Sooooo,” Ivan draws out that single word as he unfolds his arms and props his elbows on the table.
I roll my eyes in an attempt to hide how tangled up in knots my heart really is, how even the mention of Sol’s name makes my breath catch and my pulse quicken.
“I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be too happy if MJ was ‘catching up’ with one of her exes—” He air quotes “catching up”, as if it was something more, as if I’m lying. I jab my fork into my side salad and shove it in my mouth. I’m not sure what Ivan wants me to say or where he’s going with this. He continues, “Look, Grace, I know what you and Sol had, have, is complicated. But, as his best friend, I feel it’s my duty to let you know that while you may have moved on, he hasn’t.” He briefly looks away, shaking his head. “I don’t think he ever will.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you need to be sure about what you want, with Levi and with Sol. He loves you, Grace. Sol is in love with you.”
“I know,” I whisper, looking down at my lap, feeling myself getting emotional. I swallow hard to suppress what I’m feeling.
“You’re still in love with him, too.” This is a statement, not a question. Ivan says this point-blank, and I’m surprised by his boldness. Ivan and I have always been friendly toward each other. He’s Sol’s best friend and former roommate, and of course he’s MJ’s boyfriend and—as if this situation wasn’t complicated enough—Levi’s current roommate. We hang out all the time, but this is the first time we’ve ever discussed my relationship with Sol in such intimate terms.
I shift in my seat, squirming and struggling with his words. I have two choices: to deny and lie or to tell the truth, and neither decision sits right with me.
As if sensing my apprehension, Ivan reaches across the table and places his hand over mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Grace, your silence speaks volumes.”
I swallow hard to keep my tears at bay, then look up at him, not sure what to say or do. I clear my throat and pull my hand from under his, wiping away a stray tear with the back of my hand. My heart is on my sleeve, out in the open for Ivan to see, and I have to find a way to put it back where it belongs and sew the door shut.