“Yeah.”
“Jesus, you kept that well under wraps.” Brian had never even suspected. Knowing now eased something in him though. “Have you ever been with a man before?”
“Nope. Never wanted to really. That’s probably why no one guessed.” Andrew snorted. “I wasn’t even sure until, well, you know.”
“Until you let some guy try to kill you with a love bite,” Brian muttered venomously.
Andrew laughed. “No. I really started accepting it when I realised I was in love with my best friend.”
Brian froze, then looked at him slowly. “So, nothing happened with this Eliot?”
Andrew spun away and grabbed the chicken, dumping it into the pot with the onion. Then the tomato soup and evaporated milk. “No. I wanted it to, though.”
After a moment to tamp down the need to shout, Brian moved over and emptied the corn into the pot. “You’re in love with me, but you wanted to fuck someone else.”
Andrew’s chest hitched and he blinked furiously. “I thought you didn’t want me.”
“Fuck you.” Brian backed off and barely stopped himself from running out of the kitchen. “I asked you if you wanted to have sex with me and you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
Shoulders tensing, Andrew turned the heat down on the hotplates and faced him. He was pale under his tan, his hands shaking very so slightly. “I was scared, okay? I hadn’t had an erection in two years. My sex drive was nothing. Of everyone I know, I thought you would understand that. I couldn’t think about sex with anyone and I reacted badly. I’m sorry but you didn’t exactly give me a chance to explain.”
Great. Now Brian felt like a total dickhead. No, worse. He was a selfish arsehole bastard prick. He should have noticed something if Andrew had been struggling with this for so long. And he should have known it was highly possible, thanks to the chemo and depression, not to mention the psychological implications of losing a sex organ, or part thereof.
Brian shook his head. “You don’t have to apologise. I’m the only moron here who needs to. I’m so sorry.”
Andrew shrugged and turned back to the stovetop. “It’s okay. It’s not like I said anything.”
“No. It’s not okay. You’re my best friend and I totally missed this. I really am sorry.” Brian needed to make this up to him. Show Andrew that he cared and would always be there for him. Which meant proving that he could listen and accept. “You said you hadn’t had an erection. Does that mean . . .? With that guy?” Wanting to be the friend Andrew needed didn’t mean he was capable of saying the name, even though it was seared into his brain like a brand.
“Yeah. We went dancing and . . .” Andrew shrugged. “It might have been just the physical stimulation or maybe it was attraction, I don’t know. I was just really happy it happened at all.”
Telling himself that he was a doctor helping a patient, not a guy desperately not wanting to hear about his best friend grinding on another guy, helped. A little bit. “You were attracted to him, though.”
“He looked a bit like you. So yeah.”
Heat rushed up Brian’s cheeks. “But you said nothing happened. Apart from the Hickey of Doom.”
Taking the spaghetti off the stove, Andrew drained it into the strainer. “It was all progressing like it should, then he went to give me a blowjob and I freaked. It suddenly hit me that he would see I wasn’t . . . complete anymore, and so I flipped out. He was good about it though. We talked about his mum, who lost both breasts to cancer, and when we decided to try again, I, um . . . couldn’t.” The spaghetti got added to the other pot. “Can you grab the cheese?”
Numbly, Brian got the grated cheese from the fridge and handed it over. He and Andrew hadn’t talked about sex in years. Before they lost their virginity, yes, all the time. Wondering what it would be like, when they would have it, who it would be with, who could go the longest. It stopped after they’d both found steady partners, and Andrew had loudly and repeatedly declared he couldn’t hear anything about his sister, which, fair.
Andrew’s word choice tugged at his heart though. Complete. Did he really not feel whole anymore? And as grateful as he was that this other man had been so cool about Andrew’s freak out, Brian hated that it hadn’t been him reassuring Andrew.
“Brian?”
He blinked and focused on Andrew. “Sorry. I drifted.”
Andrew’s smile was fond. “I figured. You want to eat now or bake it like we’re supposed to?”
Usually, they didn’t bother with the baking part and just ate the dish as soon as all the parts were put together. “Bake it.”
While Andrew transferred the spaghetti into a baking dish and sprinkled more cheese on top, Brian went and sat on the couch.
They’d talked. Finally. And talked about way more than Brian had thought they would. Nothing had happened with the other guy, but it nearly had and Brian couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. He did understand how a person could be sexually attracted to someone other than the person they loved, but fuck, it was hard to accept when he was the person being loved and not sexed.
“Why do you love me?” he asked as Andrew sat beside him and handed over a beer.
“Dunno. Just do.”
Brian groaned. “Explain it to me. I mean, I love you, but not that way. So why do you think you do?”
“Because I would be sad if I lost any of my other friends, but if I lost you, I’d feel like dying.”
Well, fuck. Brian’s heartbeat kicked into high gear.
“You’re my constant,” Andrew continued. “Whenever I’m hurt or sad, I come back to you and you’re exactly what I need. Whenever I’m happy, I know you’ll be happy with me, not just happy for me. You rearranged your entire life around me when I got sick, but even before that, I’d lost count of how many times you were exactly where I needed you, when I needed you. And I’ve tried so hard to be all that and more for you without even knowing what I was doing the entire time I’ve known you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time, Brian. I’ve lived with it in secret for this long and I can keep doing that if you want me to, just please let me keep being your friend.” He took a long drink of his beer and that appeared to be the end of his outpouring.
Brian drank as well, not tasting it, not feeling the chill go down his throat, barely registering the hard glass against his lips. Andrew’s words reverberated inside his chest, slowly falling into harmony with thoughts and feelings he’d never known he held. Yes, he felt all that for Andrew too, but was that love? It was for Andrew, but was it for him? He didn’t know.
“Are you still my friend?” Andrew asked hesitantly.
“Always.” That he didn’t need to think about.
Andrew sighed. “Good. Do you want a salad with the spaghetti?” He went to stand.
Brian caught his wrist without thought. “Stay.”
Sitting back, Andrew took another drink and kept silent. Brian stared at the drawn blinds on the front window. There was an awful lot of new information and revelations swirling through his head. He felt as if he was about to sit an exam, when he was convinced he knew absolutely nothing and none of it would ever make sense. Every bloody exam was the same, but somehow, when he got in there and started reading the questions, all the information lined up neatly in his head and he could find what he needed.