“This is stupid. I don’t need any help. I need you.”
“It is not stupid it’s life, Mason. It’s realistic, and you are ignoring it as much as you are ignoring, giving me space. You say you need me, well, I need you too, or at least I thought I did until I realized how disappointed I am in you.”
“Nice, not only does my wife not trust me, she’s disappointed in me too. Since we’re speaking freely here, you know, tossing out our feelings while our past and future are a step away from jumping out the window, I’m disappointed in you. You claim I’m in denial and what do you do to help, you run away. That’s a piss poor wife if I’ve ever seen one.”
I give up. Eden is angry at me that reasoning with her has already flown out the window. Why not give the other two waiting there to jump a push. Maybe I’m going about it wrong, but the last I knew a man was able to touch his wife. He was able to make love to her. He was able to try and mend the destruction he caused.
Fuck her; she can think whatever the hell she wants.
“Fuck you, Mason. You are the guilty party here. I won’t allow you to shove that on me. Everything I say to you falls on deaf ears. You hear what you want to hear and shut out the rest. I just said you were in denial, and instead of admitting it, you got bent out of shape and went into attack mode. I’m sick and tired of fighting with you, Mason. I’m over repeating myself to you. I’m not letting you or the things you do or don’t stress me out anymore. You want my trust, well then prove it. Give me a reason to trust you, Mason. One reason.”
“I love you. I always have. That’s not a good enough reason for you, is it, wife? You want me to admit I’m not in denial when I’m not. I can live without boxing; I can’t live without you.”
“You’ve been living without me for two years, just fine. While I thought we were living out our hopes and dreams, you weren’t. You were lying and holding secrets. All I was in your eyes was a body. If you don’t believe you are in denial, then we are over. You and I don’t have any reason to fight, to talk, or to see each other again. I will slip out of your life as easily as I can. There are a few more things I’d like to get from the house. Everything else is yours. The only thing I want is the store and this place. I don’t want any of your money. I’m walking out the door, Mason. You can call it running away; you can call it anything you want. When I turn my back on you, the next time you see me will be in divorce court. I will no longer be your shitty wife.”
Her words slash across my heart. They steam my anger, surging the blood through my veins. Breaking out discomfort in my head that damn near makes it combust.
Her words strangle the ever-loving hell out of me.
“You know what I think? I think you’ve taken this too goddamn far. I think maybe it’s you who forgot. I understand how you’d be angry about me wanting to fight. I understand how you are hurting over me turning to Natalie, but for you to look me in the eye and tell me I can’t touch you, it makes me wonder if you aren’t guilty of something.” Bitterness drips from my tone, all the while I’m trying to shove the fear and panic of losing my wife down my throat.
It’s an awful taste.
Animosity and sourness.
I clench my jaw, hands fisting tight at my sides.
A hazy film covers my vision as I shake with an awaiting detonation. All I can visualize is another man touching my wife as he lays next to my wife in our bedroom on our bed.
Fuck me. I’m losing control. That freight train is charging full steam ahead.
She starts to say something else, then hesitates, her eyes glossing with unshed tears and fresh raw agony before she snatches her bag off the floor and heads toward the door, pausing at the threshold.
“There’s something on the dresser you need to see. I haven’t signed yet. Once I do, someone will serve them to you. You left me with one choice to make, and I’m taking it. That’s the conclusion to the end of us. It’s the only way I can think of to help you see that you can’t shut me out as your wife and not pay the price. I’m sorry, Mason.”
Without giving me time to respond, as if I’d even be able to with the pressure crushing my ribs, she disappears through the door.
For the longest time, I stare into space. Unable to comprehend a damn thing except fear has taken over everything inside of me.
The one emotion I’ve never felt is going to end up being my demise. My head is spinning on a cycle of violent terror. I’m coming undone. Fear has never scorched through the layers of my skin like this.
It’s burning me alive as I swallow hard and force myself to hike up off the bed. Every molecule in my body shakes violently as I make my way toward the dresser and read what’s in front of me.
Superior Court of California, County of Los Angeles.
Petition for dissolution of marriage.
All the blood drains from my face. Queasiness churns my stomach. How can life be so cruel? To give and take. Push and pull, leaving you with nothing but a dried-up, guilty conscience.
I can’t take it anymore.
Divorce and denial. No trust in me. I got nothing left.
The words climb up my throat like gravel. They pierce and burn, and fill my veins with so much anger they are ready to burst.
I should have listened to those voices that told me to stay away. This time I will, but first, I need to shut those words out of my head with the one thing that brings pleasure to my pain.
It’s the vice that numbs me.
I need to get drunk and forget every damn thing.
Chapter Eighteen
Eden
“I can’t believe I’m walking out of the shelter with a two-year-old dog and not a puppy.” I smile wide as I gaze down at my dog. I hear a tiny bit of happiness in my voice too. A small as it is, I catch hold of it.
If only it would last.
Getting a pet was not my intention when Chance stopped by the store shortly before I closed to drop off his latest creation. He’s been bragging it up since they’ve been home. Claiming it’s the best thing he’s made, so last night I told him I’d judge for myself.
He wasn’t lying.
When I saw what it was, and Chance told me who, rather than what inspired him to make the art, I had to see his inspiration for myself. I closed up with the creation in my hand because I wanted it and followed Chance to the shelter to where I went right to the little dog the minute Aubrey showed him to me.
And when I saw him, he didn’t disappoint. One look and I knew I was getting him. He made me realize that life is cruel, but sometimes the cruelness comes with kindness that even a dog that went through some awful, inhumane cruelty can understand.
My dog is the inspiration I need to get me through the dark days and nights. I love him so much already.
He’s the cutest dog I’ve ever seen.
I’m the proud owner of a short-haired, rich sable color dachshund. He was found locked inside a crate three months ago, infected with fleas and half the size of his average weight. I remember Aubrey talking about the twenty or so dogs and cats that were found. The ex-owner is still awaiting trial. Now my little guy weighs nine pounds. Most of it’s in his belly, which nearly touches the ground. Aubrey says he shows no fearful or aggressive behavior. He wants to be loved and give it in return.