Him, as well as the one Chance made out of horseshoes, the head of a hammer, and pieces of steel, are going to fill me with joy. Chance wouldn’t take money for it, so I donated the price he had on it to the shelter.
I might have added an extra zero when I signed the credit card receipt.
“They do say a dog is a man’s best friend. In your case, I mean, woman. Don’t tell my wife I said that,” Chance razzes as I stuff the paperwork into my bag and head for the door.
“Never, she’s more territorial than this little guy will be,” I toss back, eyes filling with sorrow when I pick up a glimpse of it in Chance’s eyes. He knows how hard this is for me to have done this without Mason.
Clearing his throat, he holds the door open and gives me the same speech I’ve heard several times from Aubrey. I never thought I’d be one of the women I’ve heard so much about.
Regardless, I have to hold onto faith.
“Lots of times, the rescue dogs ruin it for the puppies when emotional women like yourself hear what happened to them. You’d be surprised how much they help a person deal with whatever life has dragged them down. Don’t get me wrong, you are going to be okay, and when a dog or cat comes in pregnant, the puppies and kittens are adopted and out the door as soon as they are finished weening, usually to a family with kids. He’s perfect for you, Eden. Just think your bellies can grow together while you both master the beached whale walk on the beach.”
“That is so not funny,” I say jokingly. I can’t help the small laugh that feels good to release.
“It so was, and you know it.”
He’s right; for reasons he previously stated because ruined and emotional is precisely how I feel right now in spite of my dog, partly to what’s happening between Mason and me. And from lying to CJ when he asked where Mason is. I told him he took Cody to a boxing camp.
That was almost two weeks ago. I haven’t heard from my husband since.
“Whether we turn into whales or not, your right about one thing; he’s perfect for me. Now to come up with a name for him.” Emotion clogs my throat. I suddenly feel like I’ve swallowed a whale with the way my throat closes up.
I should be overly excited not to let the disaster of my marriage get to me today. I’ve never had a pet before, but for so many reasons, it does.
All those reasons revolve around the man who should be here.
A man who has me aching everywhere without him.
“What am I going to do if Mason doesn’t come around, and I have to name our baby too? I don’t know if I can do it on my own.” This new round of tears I feel coming isn’t hormones; it’s from missing my husband. I miss him so much the ache doesn’t go away. It’s constant, almost like death.
Closing the door, Chance pulls me in for a hug, being careful not to squash my dog.
I cling to both of them. The thought of Mason not seeing our marriage fall apart pokes a hole in my chest. My feelings when it comes to him are scattered all over the place. But they’re still there, still as strong as they always have been, as strong as they’ll always be.
Without him, I don’t feel like myself.
“I used to hate it when my cellmate Eddie would talk about how slow time went. It’s a mind suck. It’ll drain you if you let it. You have this new addition to keep you busy; you have the store, you have us, and Naomi. You have the little nugget growing inside of you to take care of, and you have us to take care of you. We aren’t Mason, but we are family. We’re his too. He’ll come around, Eden, and when he does, we will all be there to help him.”
I smile up at him in hopes of drawing out the fear Chance is trying to hide in his tone. He’s afraid of what’s to become of Mason too. It’s hard. So hard watching a friend go through a rough time when you could stop it by giving in and going home.
“You’re a good friend. Please don’t think otherwise.”
“Yeah, not feeling like much of one now. I wish I knew what was going on inside of Mason’s head. The one thing I can assure you of is Mason loves you. You need to hold onto that, or you’ll never make it while you wait him out.” Chance is so blunt. It’s one of the things Mason and I love about him.
I’m barely making it now.”
“It doesn’t feel like it, but you are.”
It sure doesn’t feel like I am to me. I feel weak. I feel like I’ve let my husband down in his time of need. I’ve rallied back and forth with wondering if our marriage is unfixable. I’ve talked myself out of the corner so many times I’m losing count. The one thing that sticks in my thoughts is that Mason is so afraid to lose me that he’ll do something that neither of us will be able to recover from. That he’s so far down the hole of lying to himself that it’s going to take something awful happening for him to stick a hand up for help. Something far worse than the words I spoke and papers I left him to see — something I might not have any strength left to help.
And that petrifies me.
Sometimes love isn’t enough. I don’t voice that. Talking out loud is too much heartbreak as it is. To think Mason and I could someday fall out of love with each other and fall for someone else is something I never thought could happen. It seems impossible.
I don’t think I ever could, especially when you’ve known someone as long as we’ve known one another. It’s beyond the realms of my mind.
It already feels like a lifetime without him. The days go by because we are busy at the store. The nights drag on like there’s no tomorrow. The sun doesn’t feel good when I sit on the beach. The only thing keeping me afloat is my friends. They’ve done everything to keep my mind occupied, but it’s lying in bed alone that sucks the life out of me.
My heart thuds as I draw off the love I know Mason has for me. I have to shove those negative thoughts away. I have to hold onto that with the power of love brings hope, regardless if, at times, it causes pain.
“You tried helping him, Chance. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” I hate seeing Chance distraught. He has a great sense of humor. The only time I’ve seen it since they’ve been home is when he’s around Pixy and CJ and Bree and just a few minutes ago. When it’s only me, him, and Aubrey, he becomes lost in thought.
“I know. Men are a different breed than women when it comes to dealing with our weaknesses. A bunch of idiots is what we are. Mason hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, sweetheart. I guarantee when he does, it won’t be pretty. Whatever happens, to get Mason there, I promise I won’t turn a blind eye. I’ll be there for him. You have my word.”
I back away when the dog squirms and licks at my face.
“See, he senses you are starting to get worked up already.”
A laugh slips free. It’s more like a childish giggle when my tiny boy rubs his cold nose on my cheek and starts wagging his tail. My lips spread so wide when he looks at me with big expressive brown eyes. He’s shaking and scared, but those eyes are bathing with trust, hope, and strength.
“I think your right, Chance. We’re going to have to do something about this unhappiness, little guy, aren’t we?” I cradle him back in my arms and turn my attention back to Chance.
“I know you’ll be there for Mason. I appreciate it more than I can say. I’m afraid he’s going to get hurt on his way down. It’s hard not knowing if he’s found someone else to spar with him or what he’s even doing to pass his time.” Sparring takes trust, and right now, I don’t think Mason is in the right frame of mind to trust anyone.