“Why didn’t you mention him?”
“Because I didn’t know if you were going to be around long enough to care.” He clenches his jaw and looks away as if annoyed at himself for making the comment. He turns back, his voice level as he asks, “When did you find out about him?”
I’ve thought about the timeline of his birth every time Zack popped into my mind. It’s been my driving force to stay away. The one thing that told me he’d moved on, so I should too.
“I came back.”
He looks at me with a confused brow. “When your grandma died?”
“I was here for that too.”
His shoulders fall, and he drops against the seat as he stares up at the starlit sky. “When? I didn’t know you were here.”
“It was for the best. It was pretty obvious you had moved on.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“Well, an eight-year-old little boy might beg to differ,” I challenge.
“Jolene,” he says breathlessly.
I bite back my anger. I have no right to blame him. I’m the one who left him. I don’t know why I thought he’d be here, waiting for me, when I was ready to come home.
“I waited for you. For a year, I sat on the front porch and waited for you to return. When I was working in the garage, I’d stare down the street and will you to appear. You never did, Jo. You didn’t call or write … you vanished. And I was in pain.”
His words seer a hole right through my heart. They always say the truth hurts. It’s the most honest statement ever made.
“Who’s his mom?”
He inhales before getting ready to rip out my heart. The last thing I want to hear is about him and another girl, but I need to know. I’ve been dying to know all this time, no matter how much I said I didn’t care. Deep down, I really did.
“Her name’s Natalie. I met her at a club in San Francisco.” My inhale is audible, making him stop and ask, “Do you want to hear this?”
I close my eyes and nod. “Yeah. Sorry, continue.”
“Natalie and I … it was the year after you left. I was in a dark place. I wanted to rid you from my memory even though you were stuck there, front and center.” He shakes his head and takes another sip, letting it hiss through his teeth. “A group of us guys went to a club in the city. We rented a hotel, and the after-party ended up back at our place. I didn’t want to, but I hadn’t done anything other than have a beer in the fields. No dates, no women, no true laughs. I was a nineteen-year-old guy, and everyone was saying I had to move on. I got shitfaced that night. That’s when I met Natalie. One thing led to another and …” He doesn’t need to finish that sentence. My stomach is already turning enough. “She wanted to keep the baby, so I did what I had to do. I wasn’t going to have my child live an hour away from me.”
“She lives in San Francisco?”
He nods. “Born and raised. She wouldn’t dream of moving here.” He eyes me. “Sounded very familiar at the time.”
I look away, feeling hurt. “So, you moved there for her?”
He levels his eyes with mine, reading the comment I wasn’t really saying.
You left Dixon for her, but you wouldn’t for me?
“I moved there to be with my son. Natalie was in college, so I watched Luke all day while she went to school, and I got a night job at The Tap Room. It worked for a few years, but like I said, we weren’t really together, and eventually, she wanted the space, so she could date and move on with her life.”
“So, you guys just did it? Had a kid and have been doing that co-parenting thing, just like that?”
He lets out a hearty laugh. “No. It wasn’t anywhere near that easy. We’ve had some hard times, lots of fights that I thought would be the end of me. She kicked me out and threatened to not let me see Luke during the days. Only wanted me to have every other weekend. I fought for my son and won. That was a few years ago. We’ve found our groove now. That’s why I knew my mom would be okay with seeing you again. After everything Natalie put us through, it made the pain of you walking away seem like a walk in the park.”
“Oh jeez, thanks.”
“Hey, just stating facts.” He chuckles under his breath. “But mostly, no one will deny that you leaving was the best thing to ever happen to me.”
My breath stalls.
He gives a crooked smile and adds, “If you’d never left, I’d never have Luke.”
It’s a powerful statement. One that has me feeling a hundred different things. None of them I can actually focus on right now.
We sit in silence again until I ask, “How is it, being a dad?”
His face glows, and it’s not because of the fire casting an amber hue. “Luke is an amazing kid. He’s funny and kind and smart. My parents weren’t boasting for no reason. The kid is …” He grins while staring down at the ground, almost embarrassed by his pride. “I love him so much.”
My eyes well up for how peaceful he is with his statements. “That’s great, Zack. I’m happy you have him.”
He nods in agreement. “You should see him play ball. I coached his team last season and can’t wait to do it again.”
“Of course he’s good; you’re his father.”
I smile at the thought of watching him play both football and baseball over the years. Zack is a natural athlete. I think he could have gotten a scholarship if we weren’t from such a small town that his playing was overlooked.
“So, you get to see him pretty often then?”
“All the time. That’s why I bought the bar. During the school year, I pick him up every day, except Monday and Tuesday when I come here to help my dad, and Luke goes to an after-school program with his friends. The days I’m with him, we get to hang out, do his homework together, and then I bring him home. Natalie works until eight during the week, so it turns out pretty well.”
His beautiful smirk-covered face brings back so many memories that I have to turn away to calm my breathing.
His hand reaches out to me, lightly running his fingers along mine. The touch of his warm hand against mine, dangling at my side, runs through my body, heating places that have been frozen for so long.
Seeing him in front of me, sitting here in Dixon, at his home, only reminds me of how much we meant to each other at one time. I thought I’d never feel that way again, but emotions are reappearing, and now, I’m not sure.
His brow furrows, his eyes darting at something that seems to have crossed his mind. He drops his hand and then tilts his chin at me as he exhales.
He stands, and I do as well on instinct, stepping back from him. I see the heat in his eyes as he stares down at me with a commanding gaze. I’ve thought of these eyes for years. It’s so much more than desire. It’s carnal.
But it’s also the look he’d give me before a fight.
“You did it to me again.” He shakes his head, and I know I’m in trouble. “You were always good at changing the subject away from you. But not this time.”
“What did I do?”
“You didn’t answer my question.” His voice is low and accusatory.
I’m inches away from him, staring up into his blue eyes with dark circles around them and flecks of gold that sparkle in the fire. My chest tightens, and my breath hitches.