Can she?
I’m doing inventory behind the bar—for the third time today, mind you—when the front door swings open.
“Sorry, we don’t open for a few more hours,” I shout out.
When I glance up, I see my father entering and shutting the old wood door closed.
He’s only been here one other time—when we celebrated my purchase. Otherwise, he’s never stepped foot in my place. There’s never been a reason for him to. I go there; they don’t come here.
“Where’s Mom?” I ask, surprised to see him.
“She’s back at home, making pie.”
“Dad, you know I hate when you drive in the city.”
He waves me off. “Let a man be a man while he still can, will you, son?” He motions toward one of the barstools. “Now, get your father a drink and take a seat.”
I grab the stool that currently has a box of cold Coronas on it and place the bottles on the ground but not before popping the tops to two of them, one for me and one for him. I place one bottle on the other side of the bar and take my own seat, taking a sip as I wait for what’s to come.
He slowly makes his way to me, placing his cane on the edge of the bar as he gets situated in his own seat. We clink heads of the beer and each take a drink.
He stares at me for a few breaths, and I finally tilt my head down, realizing he’s waiting for me to speak.
“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine,” I say before taking another gulp.
He raises his eyebrows. “Are you sure about that?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You just spent a week with the girl who broke your heart years ago and then flew back as if life were just going to go on like you’d never seen her. I call bullshit. What happened?”
“Why do you think something happened?”
“Because Luke and I talk. He was excited to see you finally had a girlfriend.”
I chuckle under my breath. “Yeah, he told me that. Isn’t it a good thing that I don’t parade females in front of him?”
“Yes, it’s good you don’t do that, but it’s also not good to show him that you’ve been alone for as long as you have. Kids need to see examples of good, healthy relationships as they grow up. I’m glad that you and Natalie are getting along now, but how is the boy going to see how a couple really acts together?”
I tilt my bottle his way. “That’s what he has you for. He sees the way you and Mom are. Isn’t that enough?”
He sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know, son; you tell me. Is it enough? Is this life enough? I think you got a taste of what your life could be, and that’s why I’m here now. If you’re like me, then it’s not enough. No matter how much you fight it, you need that partner in life. The person who you want to wake up to and spend time doing nothing with. The person who finally takes the place of a room full of friends on a New Year’s Eve night because there’s no one else you’d rather be with.”
He pauses, letting it all sink in.
My head drops to my chest. He’s right. New Year’s Eve is months away, but when I think about that night and hanging in a crowded bar like I do every year, it’s lonely. Sitting on the couch with Jolene in my arms and watching the ball drop on TV before kissing her until she’s breathless sounds like the perfect night.
My chest hurts at the thought.
“Okay, glad to see I’ve gotten through to you. Now, the question is, what are you going to do about it?”
“What can I do? She chose her life years ago. A life that doesn’t include me. Nothing’s changed.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Do you see her here?” I open my arms out to the sides, which garners me a deadpan stare that tells me I’ve been a jackass all my life. I sigh, running my fingers down my face. “I tried to change her mind. I told her to come back with me.”
“You told her?”
“Yes. I told her I wanted her to come back with me. I live here, with Luke.”
I see his hand twitch, and I know if I wasn’t sitting across the bar, I’d get a slap across the side of my head like he does every time he knows I need some sense smacked into me.
“There’s your problem. You don’t tell a woman anything. You work with them, figure out your future together. That’s what a real relationship is. You can’t just tell her to walk away from her life and leave everything behind, just like she can’t ask you to give up this bar and move there.”
“But I have Luke here; it’s totally different.” I defend my actions.
“Yes, but even if you didn’t, how would you feel if she came in and told you to sell everything and move to New York?”
“I have you and Mom, and she has …”
When Jolene lost her parents, I assumed mine would be enough.
When her grandmother couldn’t remember her anymore, I thought her friends would be enough.
When there was no one else left, I thought my love would be enough.
I was so focused on myself that I never thought about what she was going through.
I wanted my answers, and I got them. I understand her pain now, and I don’t blame her for the way she feels. That type of loss is frightening, and it’s what drives me to help my father now before I lose him.
My dad taps my head. “Stop thinking like an eighteen-year-old kid and think like a man.
“ ‘When you think with your heart, you’re only loving someone for the way they make you feel inside. To live for someone means you exist for everything that life throws your way,’ ” I repeat the words he said to me not too long ago.
“Someone very wise must have said that to you.”
“A nosy old man with a cane did,” I say with a smile. “So, how does a man think in this kind of situation?”
“You remember that she’s a woman who has lived just fine for ten years without you.”
“In that case, you’re saying it’s all pointless, and we’ll never be together because she doesn’t need me.”
“You’re right. She doesn’t.”
“Then, why are you pushing this so hard?”
He takes a deep breath, and his shoulders sway a little with the action. “When I saw her in Dixon, I noticed something about her. Years ago, she’d had this look in her eye. Like she was ready to skip off to the next exciting thing. It’s one of the things I loved about her. She had a feverish spirit. It was contagious. But this last time, something was different. Her eyes, they were a little sad and a touch hopeful. For the first time, she didn’t look like she wanted to leave. It felt like she wanted to stay.”
“In Dixon? Never.” I lean back and shake my head.
“No, not in Dixon. With you.”
Running my hand through my hair, I try to think of all the things that are right and wrong with what he said. With what I said to Jolene. With what she said.
“I can’t just hop on the next plane and go to her. I don’t know where she is, and even if I stalked her place until she came home, I wouldn’t know how to make it work.”
“Do you want to make it work?”
It doesn’t take me more than a second to reply, “Yes.”