We walk to the nearest coffee shop where I spill my entire guts to the girl I just met.
I tell her about everything. About Zack. My parents. The past ten years. My innermost, deepest thoughts and, of course, the past week. Why? I’m not entirely sure. I think that, for the first time in a long while, I just need to talk.
“Girl,” she says, shaking her head with a smile, “you need to go to him. You can’t tell me that wasn’t fate smacking you straight across the face. He’s your soul mate. You can’t fight that.”
“You make it sound more romantic than it is.”
“You should be living happily ever after with the man of your dreams. He obviously never fell out of love with you. Hell, he’s the one who invited you into his bar—and then his bed. Don’t forget that,” she states with a pointed finger.
I rub my lips together, trying not to imagine the feeling of him pressed up against me. That intensity from the start was electric. My skin is still buzzing, and it’s been days since he last touched me.
“Let me ask you one question.” She places her hand over mine and then raises her brows. “In these past ten years, was there ever a guy you instantly didn’t compare to him?”
I shake my head. “There was never anyone who could measure up to Zack.”
“Then, there’s your answer. You never fell out of love with him either.”
“Loving Zack is easy. Getting over the past was doable. Moving forward with our polar opposite lives is what’s keeping us apart.”
“Oh, that’s just bullshit,” she squeaks and places her hand over her mouth. “Pardon me. I hate to cuss. For real though, you can’t decide something isn’t going to work if you don’t even give it a try. It just wasn’t your time then. Maybe now is, but you’ll never know unless you go to him. What are you running from?”
Her question surprises me. It’s what Zack claims I’ve been doing all these years. Running.
“More like flying,” I joke lightly.
“From what?”
There’s the million-dollar question.
When I left Dixon, it was for the promise of adventure and an easy escape from the loss that had been eating away at me. I stayed away because I thought Zack had moved on. Self-preservation kicks in fast when you’re dealing with a broken heart. Now, I know he didn’t, and I’m still running from him.
I’ve been around the airlines enough to know women can be flight attendants and have families. Sure, many don’t do as extensive traveling as I do. Most only take day trips, so they’re not gone for long bursts. I know a home base that’s not New York would still take me to many amazing destinations.
But, I’d fly away from him all the time.
“Loneliness,” I answer honestly.
She crinkles her forehead, confused.
“My parents died, my grandmother didn’t know my face anymore, and then Zack met someone else. In the span of a year, my heart broke more times than I could handle, and I’m just scared he’s going to wake up one day and leave me. And then I’ll be all alone. Again.”
Shawnee reaches for my hand and squeezes it tightly. “Oh, honey, that is just no way to live. Haven’t you heard the phrase, It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?”
“If I lost him, I’d—”
“You already know how to live alone. You’ve been doing it. What you haven’t been doing is giving hope a chance. You haven’t been giving yourself a chance.”
Turns out, I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Shawnee is more genuine and shows me more concern than I would have given her credit for. Guess I should start opening up to people more.
“Take my flight to San Francisco,” she declares. “And I’ll take yours to Georgia.” Her voice rises in anticipation. She pulls out her phone, checking her schedule. “We can do that, right?”
I nod slowly as I let the idea soak in. Could I go back to San Francisco? What would I say? Would he even want me there?
“Don’t be afraid to follow love,” she commands me into the present and out of my own head.
She’s right. I shouldn’t be afraid. What do I have to lose?
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath.
Him. He is what I could lose. For good this time though.
“Thanks for the talk. You’re gonna be great in the air. Passengers need a friendly face. Don’t let the stress of the business side of work change you,” I say to her.
“I don’t think it will. I’m from a small town and ready to see the world. The only reason I’ll ever go back is to see my family. They’re the most important thing in life. As long as they’re where they need to be, then I can be where I need to be, ya know?”
Her words are wiser than she knows.
“Actually, right now, I know that more than ever.”
After we head back to the apartment, we retire to our own rooms. I flick the lamp on and take a seat on my bed.
My room feels smaller. The walls seem duller. The air a bit staler.
As I open the drawer to the bedside table, I look at the three boxes and bow my head. When I raise it, it’s with a tear coming down my face. It’s a sad tear, but also a relieved one. Because for the first time since losing my family, I know exactly where I want to lay them to rest.
20
Zack
I hoped coming back to Dixon and working in my dad’s shop would keep me distracted from thinking about Jolene.
I was wrong.
I keep playing my father’s words in my head. I knew waiting would be tough, but I had no clue it would be fucking miserable. I want to call her, but I know she has to come to me.
Every night, I’ve held my phone, willing it to ring.
It never has.
Every day that goes by is another day that I’m trying to forget about her and move on. I’ve done it once before; I can do it again.
My dad went home at his usual time, right about when his meds started wearing off, and I told the last employee to go home since I’m not in a rush to go anywhere tonight.
I’m about to close for the night, and I have all the bays of the garage closed. I’m cleaning up the workbench when I see a Toyota Camry pull up. I wipe my hands and head toward the office, ready to let them know they’ll have to come back tomorrow.
When I open the office door, my chest tightens at the vision of the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen standing in our waiting room, holding my letterman jacket in her arms.
She was wearing it that last time I saw her. For years, I’ve wondered what happened to it and if she kept it or threw it off a cliff. Seeing it in her hands makes my palms ache with the urge to hold her. I won’t though. I’ll just slide my hands in my pockets.
When I don’t say anything, she rubs her lips together, searching around to see if anyone else is here.
I want to run to her, wrap my arms around her, and beg her to never leave me again, but fear of the last time I saw her is holding me back. Everything that came out of my mouth was wrong. I can’t risk doing that again.
My eyes roam down to the jacket and then back to her.
She steps forward, running her fingers over the D sewed on the front. She keeps her vision locked on the fabric as she says, “This was the only thing from home that I kept with me and not in storage.”