I rest between her legs, my lips sliding over her neck as her head tilts back. “That’s right, he never would have fucked you. Did he make love to you, P?”
I hear a sob catch in her throat. “No. We never had sex.”
“Do you ever think about him when I’m inside you?” It’s something I’ve wondered over and over. My hand cups her face as gently as I’m capable of, letting her get lost in the fantasy because I’m a sick, twisted bastard. “Do you close your eyes tightly and picture a lighter touch?” My lips move to hers as I lay a chaste kiss there. “A sweeter kiss?”
“Don’t do this, Linc.”
I kiss her softly, holding back and not fucking her mouth with my tongue and instead savoring the sweetness of the kiss for a moment and feel her kiss me back, her fingers threading through my hair.
“Do you, P?”
Her grip goes tighter as she yanks my head back slightly. Her eyes open, meeting mine. “I know you’re not him.”
I glare down at her, unable to hide the fury. “But you wish I was.”
“I wish he were still alive, but I don’t expect you to be him. You could never be him, Linc.”
I push off the bench and walk to the edge of the balcony. I hear her shift on the bench but stay there.
“You’re right. You look similar, but you’ve never been the same. I don’t live in some fantasy that I can turn you into him.”
I look out at the water below and hear her start to cry, the sound gutting me. But I don’t run to her. I don’t sit next to her and stroke her hair to offer comfort.
Because I’m nothing like him.
And I know if she could, she’d gladly offer me in trade.
I avoided Linc all day today after leaving him on the balcony last night. I hate what he did to me, but I get it. I’m sure he thinks that’s what I do every time we have sex—try to make him Colt, but it’s not true.
When I have sex with Linc, I know exactly who’s fucking me.
I don’t want him to be Colt.
I stare out at the water as I sit on the dock, my heart aching in my chest with each ripple forming in the water.
What the hell were you thinking?
I hear someone walk up behind me as I let my feet dangle in the water, and I know it’s Linc even before he sits down next to me.
And I’m incredibly tired for being only nineteen years old.
“I blamed you, but the truth is, it was all on me. I did this.”
Neither one of us look at the other one, our eyes drifting over the water of the lake.
“You all were happy.” I shrug my shoulders. “Bored maybe, but happy. You all loved each other so much. Then I came along,” I swallow, trying to wet my dry throat and fight the sobbing that wants to come, “and fell in love with both of you.”
I’ve never admitted that out loud before. I turn to look at his handsome profile, his eyes dark and focused on the water, his face stern and cold, his body still and tense. I see him take a deep breath as if it’s a struggle, but still he doesn’t say a word.
“Now, we can never go back. And it’s all my fault.” I take a deep breath and gather all the courage I can, but I can’t look at him as I turn back to the lake. “I broke up with him that night.”
Now he turns to look at me and he speaks, “You told him about us?”
I shake my head, still unable to look at him. “No. I couldn’t do that. I knew you’d never come back from that, but I couldn’t take the guilt of what I’d done. You were right, he wanted to have sex that night, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you and what we did in that house. I couldn’t handle his touch. It all felt so wrong.” I look over my shoulder at the lake house and then back out at the water.
Linc is processing my words. “It’s still not your fault.”
“You didn’t see his face, Linc. He was so upset and lost. Broken. He didn’t understand why I was ending it, and I couldn’t tell him.”
He’s still looking at me. “He was a grown man. I fucking hate it, all of it. But he made that choice. I really hate that I wasn’t there, P. But he made the decision to go on that boat in the middle of the night.”
“Because he was mad at me. And hurt by me.” I turn to look at Linc, tears welling up in my eyes and my hand on my chest. “He hated the water. He couldn’t swim and very rarely ever drank alcohol. But he got on a boat, late at night with a whole bunch of people he didn’t know and got so drunk he fell into the water and hit his head.”
I know the details of that night haunt us both. We never talk about the accident. The fact that Colt never had a chance when he fell into the water, bleeding and intoxicated, unable to swim. He had to have been so afraid.
I turn away again, my voice a hoarse whisper. “They said he took several shots and was having a great time. And then, he was just gone. Because they didn’t know him, Linc. They weren’t watching out for him, and we weren’t there.”
I was too busy crying in the bedroom alone, hating our breakup but thinking it was for the best. And by the time I heard the sirens and saw the lights outside, it was too late. They were already fishing for his body. It took hours to find him.
I talked to a couple of girls on the boat afterward, more like grilled them for every last detail, but there weren’t many. They didn’t know him.
Linc leans back, bracing his weight with one hand and brushing his fingers through his hair with his other. “I know. It haunts me every fucking day.”
“Me too.”
He never would have gone to a party on a boat if he wasn’t so upset with me.
“We can’t keep torturing ourselves,” Linc turns to me, “and each other. He wouldn’t want this. And something else was going on with him, something we didn’t know about and we may never know about.”
My eyes lock on Linc’s with sadness topped by guilt. I didn’t know Linc had picked up on that also. “I know.”
He drops his hand from his hair, scooting closer to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “No more of this. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“I don’t want to hurt you either.” But I’m pretty sure we can’t help it. A tear slides down my cheek as I lean my head on his shoulder. “I miss him.”
“I miss him too.”
I wipe another tear away. “I miss his laugh.”
That actually makes Linc laugh softly. “It was so fucking goofy.”
I laugh with him slightly. “I know, I loved it.”
“Me too, it always made me laugh even when I was in a shitty mood.” I feel his arm pull me closer to him. “He spent hours trying to perfect it, but it always came out that same goofy laugh. It was the only thing about him that wasn’t so fucking perfect.”
“I think that’s why I loved it.”
I feel him nod his head as he leans his against mine. “I’d watch you guys get married and have kids no matter how much it would hurt, just to have him back.”
The pain slices through my heart, knowing he’s telling the truth. “And I’d stay away from you both just to give him back to the world.”
“But none of that can happen, and we aren’t fucking living our lives. We died with him that day.”