I thought the nights we spent apart missing each other like crazy couldn’t hurt us. That it was a normal part of the territory we had to deal with.
I was wrong.
Somewhere along the line, I got so caught up in the grind, I forgot I had a choice. That we had a choice.
I didn’t know she was also lying awake at night wanting more of us and less of the rat race.
“I had a nightmare a few weeks ago.” She lowers her voice like she’s telling me a secret. “I dreamt I lost you and Kenzi. I was all alone.” She licks her lips and looks up to meet my eyes. “It was weeks ago, but I haven’t been able to shake it. It felt so scary and real.”
“You won’t ever lose us. That was just a bad dream.” I hug her even tighter against my chest.
“I don’t even want to think about it. But it’s what really solidified everything in my mind. As crazy as that sounds.”
“It’s not crazy, babe.”
She lifts my hand to her lips and presses soft kisses on my knuckles. The sweet gesture melts me and makes me want to forget all this talking and just kiss her on this rock, surrounded by trees and memories.
“Moments like this, where it’s just me and you, this is what makes me happy. I miss it,” she murmurs.
I rub my thumb along her chin and watch her lips move across my hand. “I do too.”
So much.
Luckily, she knows me well enough to not be worried about my silence right now. She knows I’m a thinker.
I pull her closer and lean my head against hers. The scent of her coconut shampoo fills my lungs. I breathe it in, getting lost in the memory of showering together last night, then tumbling into bed afterward, warm and damp and smiling between kisses.
Before the word “unhappy” came to visit, bringing all its unexpected baggage with it.
“Em, I had no idea you were feeling like this. I’m sorry. I was so caught up in everything, I didn’t see it.”
“I was caught up too. But I don’t want to be. I want to feel you next to me instead of falling asleep with our phones. I want us to spend more time with our daughter. She’s a teen now. Soon she’ll be off on her own. And I really want a baby. We were so young when we had Kenzi. We were kids raising a kid and running around from one gig to another like headless chickens. I’m still amazed we didn’t lose her someplace.”
I let out a laugh. “We did okay. We had fun, and we raised a great, loving kid. She’s smart and happy.”
“You’re right. She’s perfect. But I never knew how to be a mother to her. I’m more like a cool older sister. I want to experience motherhood in a more normal way. As an adult with all the right choices. I want Kenzi to have a sister or a brother, or both. Look how close Katherine and I are, and you and your brothers and sister. I want Kenzi to have that too. All she has is a pet bunny.”
My thoughts are racing with excitement and anxiety. “I get it.” I tighten my arms around her. “I do, Em, I want all that too. More than anything in the world, that’s what I want. To be with you and Kenzi. I’ve been having the same exact thoughts lately.” I take a breath, because the but is coming like a freight train. “But we’re in two of the most popular rock bands in the country right now. I don’t know how we could walk away. We’ve got contracts, tour dates, and commitments.”
“Those things can be undone and reworked, though.” A glimmer of hope flashes in her eyes. “It happens. There’s ways. You know that.”
She’s right. There are ways. It would be messy, probably cost a lot of money, and aggravate a shit ton of people, but we could make it happen.
“True,” I say. “It wouldn’t be easy, but it could be done. The next year will be tough, but after that, we can dial things back a lot. Maybe do one short tour a year. A new album every few years or so. Slowly fade back. I’d have to talk to the guys. Make sure they’re good with it.” Ashes & Embers isn’t just a band of friends or random talented musicians. It’s my family. “What about your band? Sugar Kiss is kicking major ass. Are you ready to give all that up after you and the girls worked so hard?”
“Honestly? Yes. Being with you and Kenzi, and hopefully having a baby, is worth it. Please understand that just because I’m ready to leave my band, I’m not asking you to leave yours, Ash. I’d never, ever do that.”
“I know that, love. I wouldn’t have to leave permanently. I can still write songs, do some live shows, be involved. Believe it or not, I’d be happy with that. We could finally do all the other things we’ve talked about. We could travel. Build our dream house. Get the dog you’ve always wanted. I might let you convince me to get one of those baby goats you love.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “And, yeah, another baby or two,” I say playfully.
The more I talk about it, the more I realize I’ve wanted this change for a long time.
Her face lights up. “Ash…I’d love all of that. If I’m not strapped to my band, at least I could travel with you when you can’t be home.”
“That would work,” I say slowly, letting it all sink in. “We could definitely make that work.”
All of a sudden, I feel lighter. As if some massive weight that I didn’t even know was there has been lifted off my head and chest.
“I’ll talk to the guys this week. How do you think the girls are going to feel about you leaving the band?” I swat a bug away from my face and push my hair back over my shoulder.
She shrugs and slowly moves her hand over my leg, sliding her fingers into the frayed hole in my jeans to trace the tattoo on my thigh.
“They know my heart isn’t in it anymore. Plus, I’ve been getting headaches in the studio and on stage. I don’t know why, but it’s like I can’t deal with the noise anymore, or the running around. I feel off. It’s hard to focus, and the girls keep getting irritated with me. I don’t blame them. They can replace me. I’m ready to move on. I’ve already talked to them about it.”
“Okay.” The wind blows her blonde hair across her face, and I gently comb it back with my fingers so I can see her eyes. I make a mental note to remind her to make an appointment with the doctor this week to find out why she’s getting headaches.
“We’re really gonna do this?” I grin. “It’s a big jump.”
It’s huge. It’s crazy. But it also feels right.
“It’s what I want, Ash.” The gold flecks in her eyes dance under the sun, mesmerizing me. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. I know it’ll be hard. I know it’s a sacrifice for both of us. But it’s really what I want.”
“I’ve been thinking about it too. I don’t know why I’ve been afraid to admit it or talk about it. I think I was afraid you’d be disappointed in me. Think I was a quitter or a failure.”
“Never. Changing your life to be happy doesn’t make you a failure, hon. Because of how you grew up, you think you have to be the rock star. You think you have to take care of everyone. It’s all you know. But ya know what? You are a star. You always will be. It doesn’t have to be all you are, though. It’s okay to step back. Enjoy everything you’ve worked for.”