I bought Luke a buttonhole and handed it over with a gruff ‘Good luck’. He had hugged me then, a brief, quick, one-armed hug, and I was reminded that he was someone who needed family around him. The thought made me rather emotional and I wished I had held him a little longer. Honestly, Cora, I am a changed man. It is like you dying has forced me to take over where you left off. The other day I was crying over a car insurance advert and when Geoffrey appeared to take me to golf I had to pretend I had chilli in my eye.
We had arrived early, Arjun issuing a last-minute pep talk, forcing Luke to sit opposite him as he walked him through the steps. He made the poor lad so nervous that he poured the first part of his beer down his newly washed shirt. Still, the band arrived and other couples from the club appeared. Paula was there in something feathery and startling in lime green and Margaret looked lovely in a pale pink dress that fell flatteringly below her knees. I believe you would have loved it and I told her so and then I had tears in my eyes and I had to pretend I had still got chilli on my hands when Geoffrey asked what was the matter. How did you ever get anything done with all these emotions? It is quite exhausting.
The first songs started and Luke was looking over at the clock, his newly polished shoes tapping in time to the waltz the band were playing. We had discussed things with them beforehand so they knew to hold off until Lottie arrived. Luke was clutching his mobile in his hand, the screen blank as the time ticked on. I got him another beer and we sat and watched the couples dance past us. I could tell he wasn’t really concentrating, just glancing at the door and then his phone before fixing a smile on his face for my benefit.
A whole hour passed, Cora: it was excruciating. The band took a break and Luke looked rumpled and sad, his eyes dulling as Arjun and I both crowded round him trying to ask him pointless questions about work that he fielded in monosyllables.
Where was our granddaughter?
The band returned and Luke’s face was stricken and I felt a new crack form in my heart for him. All those evenings we had spent. Now the buttonhole was wilting and his face was pale, his voice lacklustre. He seemed defeated as the clock ticked on and on. It was completely dark outside now, street lamps glowing, headlights moving past every now and again, a spattering of stars outside.
She finally arrived, dressed in a trouser suit, her hair scraped back in a bun, pale, although she was always pale now, too thin, her eyes scanning the room. The muscles in her neck were tense and her arms rigid as she hugged me, barely touching me. I could feel the nervous energy, smell the day’s dirt of London on her.
Luke had approached, still looking dashing in his suit, holding out a hand for her. She hadn’t realised the importance of the moment, of course. Practically the whole room had paused to watch him, the band readying to play the song they had rehearsed, Arjun tapping his crutch on the stage as their prompt. But then, oh, Cora, Lottie shook her head. ‘I really need a drink, Luke, OK?’ But Arjun had given the band their cue and they had begun and I watched Luke’s eyes widen as he recognised the opening bars of the music, his hand still hovering in the space between him and Lottie.
She stayed for a drink and then she made her excuses, kissing me on the cheek, Luke looking forlornly at me as he muttered something about an early start, a lot of work. Oh, Cora, I could have wept for him.
Teddy x
Chapter 21
Love is . . . overrated
EVA, 76
Luke was very quiet but not in a normal way – lots of heavy sighing and wistful looks out of the car window. I didn’t really understand his problem. He’d been moaning about going to the ballroom dancing evening for a couple of days now and I had released him early. A bit of me thought he’d be more grateful. Another sigh. I found myself gritting my teeth. I couldn’t be bothered to ask him why he was sulking. I just wanted to get home, have a quick shower and get into clean pyjamas and our bed.
‘Why didn’t you call?’ he asked, twisting in his seat to look at me.
I kept my eyes on the road ahead. ‘I was rushing and then I had no signal.’
‘And we didn’t need to leave so early,’ he said in a rush. ‘Your grandad will think we were rude. The band were brought in especially.’
Why was Luke suddenly Mr Concerned when it came to my grandad? ‘He seemed fine with it,’ I said, realising I hadn’t really seen Grandad, too intent on dragging Luke away. ‘And the band are always on there. They all love it.’
The room had been filled with couples dressed up and enjoying being spun around the floor. I had seen Margaret in a fetching pink number being steered across the dance floor by Geoffrey, and Howard and Paula, her scarlet talons bright red against his jacket as she clutched him. ‘We didn’t need to stay, they had enough people.’
He sighed again. I wanted to open the passenger door and tip him out. Sometimes I just need Luke to say whatever is on his mind. It was infuriating trying to work out whether he was cross or just struggling with his sinuses.
‘Are you going to be like this all the way home?’ I asked, an edge creeping into my voice.
A beat.
‘Like what?’
‘All this.’ I did an impression of heavy sighing, tipping my head from side to side as I did so.
‘I’m not being like that.’
‘You are. You’re steaming up the windows with it.’
I could see him clutching something in his hand, a single rose head, shredding the petals into his lap one by one. ‘I just wanted a pleasant evening with my girlfriend. Is that so hard for you to understand?’
‘Why didn’t you say? I could have stayed a bit longer,’ I said, conveniently forgetting my mood upon arrival. I had practically downed the warm single vodka and Coke Luke had ordered for me, before complaining the music was giving me a headache and everyone was ancient and could we please just go home it had been a really long day. I hadn’t really waited for much of a response from him.
‘You didn’t give me a chance,’ he protested, the rose now petal-less in his hand. ‘You never do.’
We had pulled up outside our flat and I switched the engine off.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I asked, turning to face him, a streetlamp opposite making an orange halo behind him, his face largely in shadow.
‘You didn’t even think what I wanted tonight, did you? You’d just made up your mind.’
‘That’s hardly fair and you weren’t exactly being Fred Astaire.’
‘I was waiting to dance with you,’ he exploded.
Luke rarely raised his voice and for a second I was dumbfounded into silence. Still, the barrister in me, the woman who had raced around all day worrying about trials and friends and making silk, soon lost her cool.
‘Why didn’t you say something then? I’m not a mind reader. I can’t be expected to know what you’re thinking every second of the day.’
‘News to me that you ever want to know what I’m thinking—’
‘That’s not fai—’
‘God forbid it might not be what you want and we always have to do what you want.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Name me one time I get to set the agenda. It’s always “I’m tired”.’ He said the last bit in a high whiny voice that made my eyes narrow.