He would be back tonight, but then what?
Darling Cora,
I think I’ve got myself in a bit of a pickle. Lottie was here today. She arrived earlier in the afternoon, having got out of court unexpectedly. She turned up with the usual leather bag stuffed with paper and despite the mountain of paperwork seemed distracted. Even under the glamorous outfit, all dots and flame-red lips, she looked pale, eyes red-rimmed, and for a horrible moment I thought she was going to start crying. She fiddled with the collar of her shirt, clearly needing to talk. She was hesitant at first.
‘Grandad?’
‘Yes.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Nothing.’
She sat at the kitchen table and I loitered and tried to seem uninterested, pretending to rearrange the fruit bowl. There was one apple and two bananas in it so there was only so much rearranging one could do. I was about to move on to checking the cutlery drawer, as if somehow the cutlery might be missing, when she piped up again. ‘Do you think, did you know . . . ’
Lottie, who is normally so eloquent, able to turn a fine phrase since she was a young girl, seemed to be tying herself in knots to get something out. I remember listening to you two, conversation flowing freely, from my spot in the living room. I desperately tried to think of a way to make things easier for her. ‘Anything on your mind?’
My direct approach seemed to do the trick. Lottie took a breath and began.
‘I was wondering, in the early days with you and Grandma, whether you knew.’
She stopped then and I realised I would have to say something but this was a little subtle for me and I wasn’t absolutely sure what she was getting at. Christ, this is hard. I have attempted more emotional conversations in the last few months than I have done in twenty years. I do sometimes resent you for not training me harder in this area. ‘What do you mean “knew”?’
‘Did you know Grandma was right for you? That you were meant to be together?’
The question took my breath away. How to sum up what I thought about you? Did I tell her that I knew from that first evening we met? That when you looked at me at that summer barn dance with that candid expression, your skin flushed pink from the heat of the day, your eyes glittering, that I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life looking into that face?
‘I desperately wanted her to be because I felt lost when I was with her,’ I said slowly. ‘Tongue-tied, hopeless, short of breath.’
Lottie looked a little taken aback. Certainly as I reviewed my words in my head I realised it was rather more Heathcliff than she perhaps thought I was capable of. She did break into a thin smile. ‘You sound so romantic.’ For a moment she seemed happier but then the same troubled expression crossed her face and she shuffled papers in front of her as if summoning up courage to go on. ‘Did you trust her?’
I couldn’t help answering immediately, without a second thought. ‘Oh, absolutely. She was loyal, she was the finest caretaker of my heart I could imagine.’ I never once doubted you. In fact, I remember early in our courtship overhearing your mother cast a doubt on my suitability, and the certainty with which you told her, ‘Teddy is the best man and will make an excellent husband.’ I’d overheard it. How my chest had puffed and I returned to the room with renewed swagger, unable to resist planting a kiss on your cheek, much to your mother’s distress.
Lottie was quiet again, nodding to herself, and I knew this wasn’t just idle curiosity, this wasn’t about us. I might not be as adept at these conversations as you, but something must have rubbed off because even I’m not a complete idiot.
‘Are you worried about Luke?’ I couldn’t keep the surprise from my voice. She had always been so sure about Luke, telling us in those early weeks that she’d found someone special. We were so excited for her, and it had been clear from early on that she was absolutely right.
She didn’t answer and I felt the start of a small fear grip my heart. I always hated to see her unhappy.
‘I think he’s lying to me.’
I was surprised at this statement. Luke didn’t seem like the furtive type. He was a straightforward fellow. You’d always said he had an open, friendly face and I knew what you meant.
‘There’s someone who works for him. She’s young, pretty and, well, I think he was with her earlier.’
Did ‘with her’ mean anything more these days? I wasn’t at all sure of the latest lingo and started to panic. ‘With her?’ I needed clarification.
‘Yes, with her, in a coffee shop by his office.’
Breath left my body as I realised ‘with her’ still just meant ‘with her’ in the normal way. Not like when Howard told me something was ‘sick’ and that meant it was good.
‘And she often answers his phone, and she’s around him a lot. I’ve seen her at his desk and she even told me once that she fancied him . . . ’
The last bit came out in a one long gush and I frowned. It wasn’t like Lottie to doubt him, and Luke wasn’t the sort to stray.
‘I’m sure it was nothing. Luke is always friendly, always nice to people. It’s probably completely innocent. You should ask him.’
Lottie was quiet again, folding a paper napkin in her hands, then shredding it bit by bit. ‘He sees her every day. And you always read about affairs happening in the workplace, don’t you? And they work together.’
‘That doesn’t necessarily mean anything,’ I protested, pulling up a chair opposite her.
‘She’s pretty. All red hair, big eyes and an amazing figure.’
I started to feel a creeping sense of dread. This sounded suspiciously like the girl Luke was working with on Arjun’s secret project. Is that why they were meeting outside work? I wanted to say something but I had promised Arjun and you know how I loathe breaking a promise. You never really forgave me for not telling you that Geoffrey had bought that lemon drizzle cake for the fête competition from M&S. Lottie looked so sad, though. My eyes roved the room as she continued.
‘I’m too scared to ask him. I’ve been such a grumpy cow recently, always sniping at him.’
I opened my mouth to protest but even I had seen Lottie snapping at him lately, rolling her eyes at the smallest thing, tired and impatient and taking it out on him. ‘We all behave badly sometimes,’ I compromised.
She looked at me weakly and nodded, aware that I hadn’t exactly batted her statement away. Her eyes had started to swim then and I cursed you, Cora. Why weren’t you here? I am sure this conversation would have gone a hundred times better. ‘But Luke is a trustworthy man and I have every confidence that there is a simple explanation for what you’ve seen.’
Lottie swallowed once, twice, trying to compose herself. I covered her hand with mine. ‘Have some faith in him.’
She pressed her lips together and nodded, slowly sweeping away the shredded napkin into one hand.
‘Thanks, Grandad.’
I felt a warm glow at that, perhaps a glimpse into what it had been like for you, always on the end of the phone ready to listen or advise.
‘Any time. I want you to be happy, Lottie.’ I had more I wanted to say then, things I had been thinking recently, but I knew this probably wasn’t the time. She looked drained and I switched the subject to Tipping Point. I had about 35 recorded!