Luke moved across to me, held out a hand. Close up I was shocked to see he looked even gaunter than last time, eye bags more pronounced, patches of stubble that he’d missed shaving. As I pulled out a stool for him, even his smile didn’t reach his eyes in the same way. ‘Sit yourself down,’ I said, knowing this separation from Lottie was taking its toll. God, Cora, how I wanted to tell him everything I knew. Lottie and he were both miserable and hiding these meetings had only made things worse. Storm hopped up on the stool opposite. Suddenly everything she did seemed predatory.
‘Right,’ Arjun said, carrying two more drinks over to the table and settling himself on the stool once more. ‘Thanks for coming and I’m so pleased we’re so close to being finished!’ He seemed buoyant and relaxed, our earlier conversation already forgotten: no longer worried about hospitals and treatments but doing what he was passionate about.
Luke opened up an A4 glossy file in front of him and pulled out various sheets of paper – highlighting features as he talked Arjun through what they had done. Storm leant over, proffering her phone. I made sure her hand didn’t brush against Luke, Cora, you’ll be pleased to hear.
Plans were put in place and Arjun talked us through the first event he was planning, Storm explaining how they could use social media to help raise the profile of the app. Lots of words I didn’t understand were being bandied around and I sat quietly sipping at my drink and watching Luke closely over the rim. He was quiet, answering questions but not quite there somehow, eyes glazing, periodically starting and then rejoining the conversation.
Finally it seemed Arjun was finished and everyone was saying goodbye. I was losing my window of opportunity. I needed a reason to linger with Luke. I couldn’t exactly ask him to escort me to the toilet. But what?
‘Luke,’ I said, no real plan in place, ‘can you possibly . . . if it’s not too much bother, show me how to . . . how to . . . ’
The whole group was staring at me.
‘ . . . how to work the cigarette machine!’ I finished triumphantly.
Luke and Arjun frowned.
‘You don’t smoke, Teddy,’ Luke reminded me.
‘It’s not for me,’ I said. ‘It’s for’ – I wasn’t the best liar – ‘someone else.’ I knew it all sounded rather cryptic. Who was I supplying cigarettes to?
Luke shrugged. ‘All right.’
Storm headed to the door. ‘I’ll wait for you here, Luke.’ Her light voice tinkled. ‘Bye, Ted, lovely to see you again.’
Ted. Hmmph. I tried to smile at her but found my mouth wouldn’t move much. ‘Goodbye,’ I said stiffly.
Luke had walked across to the cigarette machine.
‘So, Teddy,’ he said, standing in front of it, ‘you put your money in here, and you press the cigarettes you want, here.’
It was the least complicated machine you could imagine.
Luke was staring. I realised I might have to buy cigarettes. I took out a £2 coin.
Luke was waiting. ‘All right?’
God, cigarettes are expensive. Tentatively I drew out a tenner from my wallet.
Then, placing a hand on his arm, I drew Luke to one side. ‘Luke,’ I said quickly before I could change my mind, ‘just wanted to say I saw Lottie. And she told me she saw you with’ – I indicated Storm by the door with my head – ‘and it looked like I was hiding something. So I think I made her think, think the worst.’ I waggled my eyebrows in an attempt to show him what I meant.
‘Oh,’ Luke said, dragging a hand through his hair. ‘Oh, well, I imagine it did.’
‘Sorry.’ I hung my head.
‘Teddy, don’t apologise, it’s just another thing that would have made things worse between us.’
Luke didn’t deny anything was going on? Oh, Cora, should I have spoken up earlier? Had he been driven into Minnie Mouse’s arms?
‘We have some things we need to, um, work through,’ Luke finished.
Feeling heat build in my neck I realised I was back in one of those conversations I was hopeless at. What was the right thing to say? I needed to defend my Lottie, but Luke had always been a good boy. I rubbed at my face. Fortunately Luke seemed to understand my dithering and changed the subject. ‘You don’t want to buy cigarettes, do you?’
‘No,’ I said miserably.
‘I’m glad. I was wondering who the secret smoker was you were buying for.’
I scuffed the floor with my foot. ‘Just needed to get you alone,’ I admitted.
‘Well, we’ll pretend I didn’t know how to work it.’ Luke patted me on the shoulder and I looked up as he seemed to smile for the first time that day.
Feeling lighter I walked back across the pub with him to say goodbye.
Watching Luke leave I felt better for having said something. He gave me a last nod as Storm seemed to skip out of the door.
Turning back I watched Arjun sink into a nearby chair, all energy spent, catching his breath. It was clear the last hour of excitement had probably been all he could take. I felt my heart ache at the sight. ‘Right, let’s get you back home,’ I said in a faux-jolly voice.
Arjun just nodded, unable to respond, and I felt a swirl of sickness inside me and suddenly wished I was able to share my sadness with Lottie. I’d missed her visits and the easy atmosphere we had fostered between us. I realised as I guided Arjun outside that I needed her now more than ever.
As I always need you, my love.
Teddy x
Chapter 27
Love doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be true
ALBERT, 79
I knew I should get up, was slumped on the sofa, the curtains half closed, a streetlight opposite flickering distractedly. Making food seemed an effort and I had found a half-open bag of crisps, tomato in flavour, which I hated but Luke loved. Eating them was making me feel closer to him and only a little bit nauseous. Nothing appealed on the television and the volume was funny and I’d forgotten how to fix the speaker attached to the television, something I’d always made Luke do. Obviously it wasn’t the only reason I missed him, but right now it was definitely top three. A stack of work on the table reminded me that I had a busy day ahead but I had lost all motivation and popped another crisp in my mouth.
The buzzer sounded and it was a moment before I realised it was for our flat. Something inside me skipped and I leapt off the sofa, frantically smoothing at my hair and wishing my breath didn’t smell of tomato. Who would call round at nine o’clock apart from Luke? Although why would Luke use the buzzer when he had a key? Fumbling to press the intercom button I bit down the nerves.
‘Helloooo.’ Oh God I’d pitched it too cheery, immediately hoping the greeting wouldn’t make him change his mind about coming home.
‘Lottie, it’s me.’
My heart sank at the female voice, no Luke at all, but then lifted again as I registered who was speaking.
‘Come up.’ I pressed the button to unlock the front door and tried not to feel too hopeful. Maybe I had left something at the school? Maybe she was coming to shout at me more? Maybe one of the teachers had complained? Maybe, oh God, the headmistress had fired her for her association with me? All these worries almost stopped me opening the flat door to Amy. She could be scary at the best of times but an angry, fired Amy was beyond even my imagination.