“For tonight,” he said, ignoring my reaction, “try to just forget about the family and relax.”
Relax? I huffed. There was no way I could relax. Not when I knew my House was lurking in the shadows, just waiting to fuck me over again.
And definitely not with Natalie pressuring me to share my stupid emotions, something I’d decided the other night I’d never do with her, because doing so would undoubtedly unleash a tidal wave of shit I wouldn’t be able to hold back.
Shit that would absolutely make me lose control once and for all.
I managed to keep it together through dinner.
Barely.
Fee and Marco did all the work. Whenever Natalie or I offered to help, they pushed us back to the table and refilled our wine glasses. I had a feeling Fee was trying to get me drunk so I’d let down my guard, but the woman had obviously forgotten I wasn’t a talkative drunk.
When I drank a lot—as I was doing tonight—all it did was make me horny. And every time Natalie laughed across from me at the table or shifted in her seat, I was acutely aware of that fact. Aware but unable to stop drinking because for the first time in several days, I didn’t feel the urge to put my fist through a wall.
I did have an uncontrollable urge to put my hands on her, though, something I was fighting by drinking more, hoping I’d push past the horny phase and plow right on into comatose.
“And then,” Marco said to my left where he sat at the end of the old wooden table, “Felicity’s brother Jasper decides fencing’s for pussies, drops his sword—”
“Saber,” Felicity corrected from the other end of the table.
“Yeah, whatever,” Marco said with a wave of his hand toward her. “And the jackass comes at me. I mean, I should have stabbed him right through the eye.”
“Please,” Felicity said with a roll of her eyes, glancing at Natalie. “My parents were sitting on lawn chairs watching the whole thing. He’s all talk.”
Marco frowned at her. “Your bratty little brother deserves a good ass-kicking.” To me, he said, “The figlio di puttana could use more than a good ass-kicking as far as I’m concerned.”
Felicity huffed and reached for her wine. Across from me, Natalie lifted her brows, completely confused about the inner workings of House Merrick, but I wasn’t in the mood to explain them to her. And I didn’t want to look at her, because every time I did, I just made myself hotter than before.
So I focused on Marco instead. “And what did you do when he came at you?”
“Nothing,” Felicity answered before Marco could. “He sidestepped at the last second, and Jasper fell flat on his face in the grass.”
Marco chuckled and grabbed his glass. “Little prick had dirt and grass all over his nose. It was hilarious.”
Felicity tipped her head and shot him a look. “He is my baby brother.”
“He’s a twat,” Marco muttered to me under his breath. But looking across the table at Felicity, he said, “The military would do him some good. And don’t even try to argue, because you know it’s true.”
Felicity sighed and glanced toward Natalie again. “Jasper’s a little shit. He’s right. But he’s my brother, and I love him. And he’s barely twenty. He has lots of years to mature. I was a brat when I was young too.”
I chuckled, remembering all too well how much of a brat she’d been when she was younger.
Under the table, Fee kicked my foot. “Watch it, buddy.”
I winced. “Ow. Merda. If you came to abuse me, you can both just leave.”
Fee grinned. At the other end of the table, Marco shook his head and said, “Let’s just hope your father’s health holds up, because none of us want Jasper leading House Merrick anytime soon.”
“He’s not that bad,” Felicity said.
“He’s not Giovanni bad,” Marco said, looking across the table at her, “but Jasper’s definitely nowhere ready for any kind of leadership role. It should fall to you not him.”
“I don’t want it,” Felicity said matter-of-factly.
“You’re smart,” I muttered, swallowing what was left in my glass.
Across from me, I felt Natalie’s eyes on me, which only made my blood run hotter, so I averted my gaze.
“You’re the oldest?” Natalie asked. “I didn’t realize that.”
“Yes,” Fee answered, “but the Houses are all still very patriarchal, so I don’t have to worry about being the heir to House Merrick. That’s Jasper’s responsibility.”
“The British royal family just changed the laws of succession for the crown,” Marco pointed out.
“They’re figureheads,” Felicity said with a frown. “You know that.”
“Yeah, but your father played a part in that decision. And he’s been talking about changing the line of succession within House Merrick since before we met. He knows Jasper’s not as tough as you.”
Felicity huffed and looked my way. “Do you hear him? If it were up to him, we’d both be ruling our Houses.”
Yeah, I heard him. And even in my inebriated state, I didn’t like what he was saying.
I shot him a look and leaned back in my chair. “It’s a bad idea. One you shouldn’t be encouraging.”
“Why? Because you don’t think a woman can rule? That’s bullshit, and we both know it.”
I chanced one look at Natalie, who was listening to the entire conversation with wide eyes. “No.” I fixed my gaze back on Marco. “Because it’s dangerous. House Merrick might be progressive, but you know damn well the heads of the other Houses will never accept a woman in charge.”
“Well, they just might need to. All the Houses need to change. That’s the point of everything we’re doing.”
He was about to launch into a discussion about all the reasons I needed to step up and take my position with House Salvatici, and I wasn’t in the mood to hear it. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about Houses or responsibilities or the fucking mess I’d been born into. I didn’t give a shit about my House, and I was tired of being pulled in a thousand different directions all because of my bloodline.
What I wanted to do was drag Natalie upstairs and let her distract me from the memories and fears and stresses swirling inside me. What I was going to do was go up there alone because I still didn’t trust myself not to lose control with her.
I pushed back from the table and reached for my empty glass. “I’m sorry to be a party pooper, but I’m tired. I think I’m just gonna head to bed.”
Felicity gazed up at me with concerned green eyes. “Really? It’s early yet.”
“Yeah.” I leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Didn’t sleep well last night.” To Marco, I said, “Thanks for dinner.”
I could tell from the scowl on Marco’s face that he knew I was retreating from the conversation, but I didn’t care.
And I didn’t even look toward Natalie because I was afraid if I did, my self-control would shatter and I really would drag her up those stairs with me.
I set my empty glass on the counter in the kitchen and gave a halfhearted wave as I headed for the stairs. “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”