Even as I run, my hair blowing in the wind I can still feel the pain in my chest. It’s like a dull knife has been left in my chest, the pulsing pain mounting with every breath I take.
Emotions I don’t understand assault me. Red hot jealousy coming to the forefront. Jealousy? To be jealous, I would have to be developing feelings and I'm not. I could never… Clark isn’t the kind of man I would ever go for, and dating it will never happen. I’m too broken, too afraid to develop a physical connection with a man.
I barrel around the corner, my cheeks heated, and my hands fisted at my side. My mind is clouded with this strange feeling so much so that I don't even see the two people walking toward me until it’s almost too late. I gasp a few inches before I run face first into one of them, we both halt.
“Emerson,” Ava shrieks, clutching onto her chest, her green gaze widening.
“I’m sorry. I… I’m in a hurry. I wasn’t watching where I was going,” I apologize, feeling ten times worse than I did before. Way to go. Take out your friends before you even make them.
“It’s okay, you just scared the shit out of me, that’s all,” she starts giggling. In my mind I know the normal thing to do would be to chime in, join in on her laughter, but in that moment, I feel more like crying than laughing. Unable to make the corners of my mouth go up even slightly, I fight the tears that are knowingly glistening in my eyes.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. All of this, college, my past, Clark, it all sits heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Where did I even plan on going when I ran away from him? I don’t know anyone here. The last thing I need to do is find myself having a panic attack in the middle of the sidewalk.
I feel Ava’s eyes on me, watching me wearily. I hate that everyone looks at me like I'm scared animal or something. I wish I didn’t have anxiety… I wish I didn’t fear people, touch, or happiness… I wish he never…
“Hey, you okay?” Ava’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m fine—”
“No, you’re not,” she cuts me off, clearly not buying my runaround excuse. It’s then that I notice there is a person standing beside her. Vance. He’s watching me, his lips pulled into a thin line, his glossy hair disheveled like he’s been running his fingers through it or maybe Ava has, the leather jacket he’s wearing is sculpted perfectly to his body, encasing his upper body like a glove. He’s unnaturally quiet, and the green in his eyes darkens when he sees me watching him.
“Why don’t we go have some coffee?” Ava’s question pulls my attention back to her. Lifting her hand, she places it gently on my upper arm. I can feel the panic rising inside me, slithering through my veins like a snake. I glance over at Vance once more and before I can answer, Ava’s mouth opens again. “Just us two, Vance was just leaving.”
Ava makes a motion with her eyes that says get out of here.
“I was?” Vance questions, a thick brow raised, then as if he remembers something he continues, “Oh yeah, that… yes. I better get going. I’ll see you around, Emerson. Love you, babe,” he tells Ava and gives her a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth. Their interaction though short is sweet and I can only hope that someday I’ll get to experience love or at least some semblance of it.
“Come on, let’s go have a coffee and a brownie from the coffee place around the corner. Both will cheer you up, I promise,” Ava insists. Grabbing onto my hand, she starts walking tugging me along the sidewalk until I fall into step beside her. For being such a tiny girl, she’s got a lot of strength behind her.
The walk to the coffee shop takes less than two minutes and as soon as we enter the door, the bell above it chimes. The smell of coffee penetrates my nostrils calming the ache in my chest. It’s so strange what a scent can do to you, the memories good and bad it can stir. Two of my favorites are books and coffee.
We order two coffees, one with extra sugar since I like my coffee on the sweeter side, and one with three creams as well as two brownies at the counter before finding a table next to the window. The coffee shop is quiet, and a hidden gem as Ava calls it among the college coeds. Most of the people that come here come to study, or just mellow out.
As soon as we’re seated Ava turns to me, her hands cupped underneath her chin, “What’s going on?”
I shrug, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “Nothing. I had my first class today. I have another one this afternoon, but that’s it for the day. I decided to go light my first semester.” For more than one reason.
“First days can be tough, I know all about that believe it or not…you wouldn’t believe my story if I told you.” There’s a faraway look that appears in her eyes. “I promise it will get easier, there’s only one way you can go and that's up. Once you settle in, make some friends, everything will work itself out.” Ava sounds so confident, so sure of herself that I almost do believe her, but then reality smacks me in the face and I remember who I am and that I’m not like her, not normal. Not by a long shot.
“I don’t think so. I’m not good at making friends, at least not easily,” I tell her, nibbling on the edge of my brownie.
“I disagree, I’m your friend and that happened quickly and with ease,” she implores. “Even Vance likes you.”
My eyes bug out of my head at her confession and she grins at me as she takes a bite of her brownie.
“Vance likes me?” Could’ve fooled me. I’m not even sure he likes himself.
“He does, in his own, Vance kind of way.”
“Well, his idea of like and my idea of like must be two different things.”
Ava burst out into laughter, which makes me smile. She reminds me of the sun with her shiny chestnut brown hair and blemish-free skin that has this radiant glow about it.
“If Vance was here right now, he would agree with you. He doesn’t like many people, but you’re growing on him.”
“Like a weed or a flower?” I joke, and Ava beams.
“See, you’ve got this, and you think it’s going to be hard to make friends?”
“It is when you’re like me.”
“Like you? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Again I shrug. “Weird and scared of everything.”
“First of all, we are all a bit weird, second, you are not scared of everything. You are not scared of me… or Clark. You’re just shy, you need to come out of your shell a little. Maybe you should come out with us this weekend.”
“Out? Like a club?” Not going to happen. No way in hell could I subject myself to that. I'd probably have an anxiety attack the moment I got there or worse in front of everyone.
Ava shakes her head, blowing on her steaming cup of coffee. “More like a party at someone's house. I think there is one at Rem’s old frat house.” She pauses and then smiles her eyes lighting up again, “Oh, you’re going to like Remington and Jules, they’re so nice and cute together.”
I don’t want to be rude and say no, but I can’t agree right now. The idea of going to a party makes my skin crawl. Men, alcohol, sex, it’s the perfect combination for mass chaos.