“Beck, come join us!” Bikini Girl cries.
“You like threesomes, baby?” I hear Tariq pant as I jog up the stairs. Unfortunately, the sound carries through the house, and he keeps going. “I can find someone else if Beck’s not in the mood.”
A door on the second floor opens before I can make it to my room. Sarah Kase steps out, in nothing but underwear and a see-through tank top. She rubs her eyes, but if I had to guess, she’s been standing by waiting for a moment to pounce. I thought her supposed friend Camila would be the one I had to stay away from, but Sarah’s been coming on strong.
“Man, those two woke me up. It’s kind of turning me on though, listening to them? How about you, Beck?”
I’m only wearing my boxers, having wrongly assumed the rest of the house was asleep, and she glances pointedly at my crotch.
“You can join them if you want,” I inform her before sidestepping and continuing to my room, my refuge in this sex-crazed place.
There’s only one woman I want. Jordan’s the only one I want to see naked, and I’d do just about anything to have her in this room with me right now. Well, maybe after Romeo gets kicked off the show. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but based on the skateboarding I’ve seen from him so far, I’m guessing I’ll have this room to myself soon.
As soon as I’m done getting through this filming, I’m going to her. If it makes me like my ex Kelly, I don’t even care anymore. It was stupid to compare the situations in the first place. I need Jordan, and I’m realizing that she needs me too, whether she’ll admit it or not.
Chapter Nine
Jordan
“You sure you don’t want to come with us to the park, Jordan?” Wyatt asks.
“It won’t be any fun going to Ripples if I can’t skate, Wyatt. Sorry, you guys are great company and all, but watching you do what I wish I could be doing sounds kind of like torture.” It’s not entirely true. It would suck going to my favorite indoor park and watching everyone skate, but not in the same way it has before. No, I’m in the mood to sit alone and obsess over what Beck is doing on film. A different form of torture that, for whatever reason, I’m more comfortable subjecting myself to than the skatepark. Beck’s been filming for a month now, and I’m starting to drive myself insane.
“The doctor still says no skateboarding?” Phoebe asks. “Not even the easy stuff?”
“We haven’t really talked about it,” I admit. “Anything where there’s a risk of falling or head injury, I can’t do. She did another round of testing last week and I’m still messed up.”
“There’s plenty you can do on a skateboard without falling,” Levi reminds me.
We’re at my parents’ house after spending the night here slumber-party style in the basement. Levi hadn’t seen my parents since he transferred to Hooper College, and after dinner, we ended up playing cards until late into the night. It was easiest for everyone to crash here. I guess when I do nothing much but sit around all day, I turn into a night owl.
“Yeah, I know,” I say vaguely, not wanting to get into a debate about it. What’s the point of driving all the way to one of the best indoor parks in the northeast only to do easy stuff? “I’m going to apply for some jobs today, anyway. I’ve got too much free time on my hands.”
“I thought you just started taking online classes?”
“I can only do a little at a time right now. Besides, I need a job that gets me out of the house.” With my friends back in classes, I usually only see them on the weekends.
“Get out of here guys, I’m good.” I practically have to shove them out the door. I think I’ve accomplished it too, but Levi hovers after the other three leave.
“Hey, you can talk to us, you know? You really don’t want to go to the park and hit the smaller features at least?”
“Levi,” I say his name on a long sigh in answer, because I’m not ready to talk about it.
“I remember when you used to beg your parents to take you to Ripples. You’d scrub their toilets, mop the floors, anything to get a chance to go the best park around.”
“That was a long time ago.”
Levi studies me. “Is this about the assholes online?”
“Which ones?”
“The ones you told us about the other night. I’d seen some of the comments, but you said you got direct messages too.”
“I did. Some were pretty nasty, but that’s not why I’m not coming with you to the park.” I don’t even sound convincing to my own ears. Is that really all this is about?
“I mean, it’s not that I’m worried I’ll stir up more comments and messages. I don’t even have social media anymore,” I clarify, for myself as much as Levi. I open my mouth to explain what exactly is the hold up, but nothing comes out. How do I articulate that it’s all in my head, my chest, my veins? It’s a tension inside me, a darkness that takes over and paralyzes me, and sometimes suffocates too. There’s nothing tangible about it, all I know is that it flares right back up when I try to get on a skateboard, or even watch others skateboard. My heart rate picks up just talking about it. It’s like I’ve got anxiety about having anxiety.
“Which messages are the ones that get in your head the most?” Levi asks, and my eyes snap up to meet his. After years remembering Levi as a victim of bullying, I’ve nearly forgotten about that part of his past entirely over the past month. The guy doesn’t seem capable of being brought down by another’s nasty words, not anymore at least.
“One account said she wondered if Beck or Griff would have given me the time of day if I couldn’t skateboard. That she wished I’d break my legs so I couldn’t skate anymore. Another actually took a picture of me going into Beck and Griff’s building and warned me to stay away.”
Then I admit something for the first time. “That person’s probably more dangerous, but it’s the messages that go after me personally or after my relationship with Beck that get in my head the most.”
Levi places his hands on my shoulders. “People will tell you, don’t let those stupid insults get to you, and they’re right. But for me at least, I couldn’t help it. The taunting about my sexuality back in seventh grade got to me. I didn’t want it to, but it did. That’s because coming out was still new to me, and I wasn’t sure what it meant about my self-worth. Before I could say, “Fuck them,” I had to come to terms with what it meant to me to be gay, accept it, get confidence in it, own it. Maybe it’s the same with you.”
I think about what he’s saying, because I want to be like Levi. He used to cry when guys like Tanner said mean things to him, and now he laughs it off.
Levi keeps talking. “I know what you’re dealing with is different, but instead of avoiding situations that will make the words come back, whether in your head or on social media or in person, maybe you need to come to terms with your self-worth. Or your value when it comes to Beck and your friends. Or your identity as a pro skateboarder. Maybe it’s about your confidence in your relationship with Beck.”