I’m already shaking my head at this last statement because I know it’s not about me and Beck. At least not about us being together. I’ve got confidence in the two of us, there’s no doubt there. Levi’s right, this is about me.
Levi must know what I’m thinking because he smiles a little. “Or maybe your relationship with Beck is just fine, you just need to accept it.” He shrugs. “I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what’s getting at you the most, but I know for me, I was never gonna be able to face the world or the bullies if I didn’t get some confidence behind being gay. It didn’t happen overnight, but once it did, I could honestly brush off the haters without it getting to me. Maybe there won’t always be mean people trolling social media for you, but for me, unfortunately there will always be homophobic assholes like Tanner.”
I’m getting too emotional and choked up to talk so I just open my arms for a hug. When we pull away, I do shove him toward the door this time. “Thanks, Levi. You’re right about all of it. Now go get in the car. I’m sort of surprised they haven’t started honking.”
“Wait, that didn’t get you to want to come with us after all?”
“No, I really do want to apply for an opening at The Swirl.”
Levi shakes his head. “You’ve been saying you want to work there since you were ten. Guess you never give up on your goals, huh?”
“I’m no quitter, Levi.”
There is a honk then from outside and Levi finally jogs over and gets in the back beside Devon. Phoebe rolls down the passenger side window. “What were you guys doing in there if he didn’t even get you to come with us?”
“He was giving me pointers on how to get a job at The Swirl. Scooping techniques and such!” I call back.
As they pull away, waving, only a small part of me wants to go back to my room and drive myself crazy thinking about Beck and all the girls he’s living with right now. Most of me though is pushing that idea aside. I don’t know if I’ve got a chance with Beck again, or if he’s moving on as we speak. Sometimes I worry he’s only still talking to me on the phone because he feels bad for me. But that’s the part of me that also lets comments like bubblerollie’s knock me off my game mid-air. If I want to be able to get back on my board without the taunts replaying in my head, I’ve got to come to terms with who I am, who I’m becoming, and who I want to be. I thought I’d figured that out and accepted it already, but I’m not so sure anymore.
The idea of hiding out here forever, even transferring to Hooper, never competing again or dating a skateboarder, it all sounds safe, comforting even. But it also isn’t what I really want; it isn’t the path that makes me feel alive, that makes me feel like me. Like the best version of me, the person I want to be. It feels a lot like quitting. And like Levi reminded me, I’m not a quitter. For now at least, I’ll start by giving my best shot at getting a job scooping ice cream and making hot chocolate at The Swirl. After that, I’m not exactly sure how to go about figuring out the rest, but it’s not by hiding or picking the safe route.
Chapter Ten
Beck
I’ve finally found a place to hide that’s not my bedroom. With the pool, deck, hot tub, and skatepark all located around the back of the house, the front yard doesn’t see much action. There’s a hammock set up and I’ve spent the last hour lying in it texting Jordan. I’d call her, but I’m too paranoid about someone eavesdropping or a hidden camera.
“Hey man, I see you found the best spot on set.” I poke my head up at the sound of Moses’s voice.
He’s got a camping chair in one hand and two beers in another. “Want one?” He holds out the beers as he takes a seat beside me.
I take one and sit up so I’m out of my cocoon. “How’d you know it was me? I thought I was safely tucked in there out of sight.” It’s one of those canvas hammocks that sort of folds around your head and body when you lie back in it.
“Your shoes.” He nods to the ground where my Brazen sneakers are sitting underneath the hammock.
“I gotta work on my stealth skills. But happy it’s you, man,” I add, because that’s true at least. “Not that we can talk real to each other with the cameras lurking.”
“I haven’t seen any out here,” Moses says, looking around. “But they’ll do just about anything to get some drama from you at this point, Beck, so probably smart to watch your back.”
“What about you? You’re not giving us anything screenworthy, or do I just not know about it?”
He laughs. “I’ve been hooking up with Lennon, so that’s enough for them. She’s a cool girl I’d like to hang out with after this is over, so hopefully they won’t twist it into anything on air.”
Before I can respond, the feel of two hands landing on my shoulders makes me jolt in surprise, spilling beer on myself but thankfully not falling out of the hammock. “You two need to loosen up. They can’t do much twisting with the footage. Just enjoy yourselves. Come hang with the rest of us out back.” It’s Camila, and now I’ve got to find a new hiding spot. Fortunately, my roommate got kicked off last week so I’ve always got my bedroom. She squeezes my shoulders, and when she starts to massage them I move my legs over to get out.
Camila, however, thinks I’m making room for her. “Oh, can I get in with you?” She slides her ass in front of my face and starts to lower herself on top of me.
“Uh, let me just get out first, you can have it to yourself.”
I don’t even care how awkward it must look as I maneuver getting out of the hammock while she’s trying to get in on top of me. I manage to do it all while holding a beer, but Camila doesn’t take the hint. She never takes the hint.
Moses shoots me a sympathetic look as he gets up from his chair and we walk back into the house together. I’m sure Camila is right behind us but I’ve learned that even being polite to this girl is too much encouragement. She’s on a mission to make something happen with me, and it’s starting to really weird me out. I keep hoping the next competition will be her last on the show, but she’s still here.
“Oh, Beck! I heard you’re really good at fixing stuff and the temperature thing on my shower isn’t working right. Can you come look at it?”
Moses starts laughing as he opens the door and I glare at him.
“What’s so funny? Is yours broken too?” Camila asks.
Moses doesn’t stop laughing as he answers. “Yeah, mine broke and I fixed it. I’ll come up and help you.”
Camila juts out her lower lip in what I guess is supposed to be a pout. “Okay,” she concedes as she walks through the door. She brushes against me before I can establish more space between us, and tilts her head up to mine. “You can come up to my room anytime to help fix something, Beck.” Camila uses this sultry voice that sounds as if she’s mocking someone, except she’s being serious. Moses drops his hands to his knees behind her and practically dry heaves in silent laughter.
It isn’t the first time she’s made this kind of offer, as if her earlier request for help wasn’t obvious enough. She’s heard I’m good at fixing things? Man, she’s really trying all angles here. She used to say shit like this when I was dating her supposed best friend Kelly years ago, but her skills in subtlety have really deteriorated with time.