Body, heart, and soul.
And it was glorious.
It was freeing.
I’m not sure where we’ll go from here. I hope somewhere, but either way, I have no regrets. None whatsoever. I’ll never forget what we shared, what Ashton gave me. I’d rather his friendship than nothing at all. I need him in my life.
I use this time to observe him. Honestly, I could stare at him forever. He looks so peaceful, and so ridiculously good looking like he was finely sculptured by a master craftsman.
Contentment washes over me, my heart cracking open. I’ve never felt anything like this. It’s euphoric.
He’s lying on his back, and I’m snuggled into his chest as I stare up at him. My smile grows as my fingers lightly ghost along his jaw. Words will never be enough to thank him for what he gave me. And I’m not just talking about the countless orgasms. It was something far deeper on a more spiritual level.
Ashton stirs.
“Good morning,” I say, pressing my lips against his cheek. I’ve never woken up beside a man before, and I’m so glad he’s my first. I wish he were my first with everything, but I know you can’t undo the past. If I can take anything from that knowledge, it’s knowing the men who came before him only make me appreciate this moment so much more. For that, I’m grateful.
A hint of a smile tugs at his lips. “Morning, Em.” His deep voice grumbles from his sleepy haze. He scrubs his hand over his face before rolling onto his side. His piercing blue eyes scan my face as he lightly skims his knuckles across my cheek. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Wonderful.” I’m sore but in the most delicious way. “Last night was everything I hoped it would be. Thank you.”
He chuckles. “You don’t have to thank me. Jesus. I’m pretty sure I got just as much if not more from it.”
“You’re wrong, I do. I’ll never forget last night. Never. I’m only sorry I waited so long. I was scared you were just like the rest of them, and I didn’t want to get hurt. But I was wrong. You showed me what it feels like to be wanted, desired, and cherished. I’ve never had that before.”
“I’m good at what I do.”
Reaching up, I run my fingers through his hair. “I hate to admit it, but you’re right. You’re like the king of orgasms. You rocked my world last night, Mr. Barclay.”
The grin on his face is huge. “I’m glad you’ve finally realized how tremendous I am.”
I roll my eyes. “At the risk of making your giant ego even larger to the point where your big head gets so enormous this bed may even collapse …” he chuckles, “… I think I’ve fallen a tiny bit in love with you.”
Shock registers on his face as he studies me for a moment. Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that to him, but it’s the truth. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. I’ve never felt so connected to another human being.
He gives me hope.
Hope for the future.
Hope for an us.
Ashton pulls my face into his chest, holding me so tight it’s almost crushing. “Em… my sweet Em,” he whispers into my hair. I can feel his body trembling, and his heartbeat thumps wildly in my ear. It’s like he doesn’t want to let me go, and the truth is, I don’t want him to. I want to stay with him, just like this. Forever.
Our position doesn’t waver for the longest time, but he eventually draws back.
Exhaling a long breath, he stares at me. A torn expression now marring his gorgeous face like he’s wrestling internally with some major conflict.
Ashton’s tortured eyes are locked with mine as his unsteady hand cups his cheek. And there’s something about the way he’s looking at me that makes me anxious.
“Are you okay?” I ask as an uneasy feeling settles over me.
Swallowing hard, he blinks a few times. And it takes a few moments before I finally see what’s written on his face. Regret. Soul-wrenching, heart-crushing, regret.
My stomach drops.
God, please don’t.
Ashton must see the pleading in my eyes because he lets me go, rolls over, and maneuvers himself until he’s sitting on the side of the bed, his back now to me as he rests his elbows on his knees, burying his face deep in his hands. My heart races as the realization hits me full force.
No, not him too.
I hold my breath as I wait for him to say something, anything. One word, one slither of information that’s going to prove me wrong. But, he remains silent.
“Ashton,” I breathe as I sit up and scurry over to his side of the bed. Dragging myself up on to my knees, I rest my chin on his shoulder as my arms snake around his body. “Talk to me.” I can hear the fear in my voice.
Seconds pass before he finally speaks, “I can’t do this,” he chokes out. “Whatever this is between us, it needs to end. I can’t let you fall in love with me.”
His words are like a punch in the gut, the force knocking all the air from my lungs. I release him, falling back on my haunches. Shock radiates through me as I try to gulp in some air. The room starts to spin. “Please,” I beg, as tears fill my eyes. “Don’t do this.”
Ashton sighs, shaking his head from side to side. “Please believe me when I say the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”
“Then don’t… don’t hurt me.”
He stands, briefly observing me over his shoulder. The pain on his face palpable, shattering my heart into a million tiny pieces. That look alone says so much. My tears are coming thick and fast as my desperate eyes bore into his.
He turns, staring straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact with me. “I’m sorry… I’m so s-sorry, sweet-thing,” his voice cracks as he speaks. “You need to go.” Ashton crosses the room without another word. I hear the lock click on the bathroom door once it closes behind him, and the bottom falls out of my world.
I stay unmoving for the longest time, still struggling to come to terms with what just happened.
What just happened?
How can the best day of my life turn into the worst in a blink of an eye?
A strangled sob escapes me as I scamper off the bed. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand as I try to regain my composure. The shock slowly turns to confusion, then the anger settles in. I’m a fool, nothing but a gullible fool. I fell for it yet again.
A myriad of questions flitter through my mind.
But what rings truest is, why am I not enough?
Why am I never enough?
Dashing around the room, I scoop up my clothes as I go. I need to get out of here. I need to get as far away from this man as possible. I’ve been deceived in the worst possible way. He played me. I opened up to him, more than I’ve ever opened up to anyone in my life.
I trusted him.
I fucking trusted him.
That’s what hurts the most.
The betrayal.
I let him see all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Damn. Maybe that’s where I went wrong?
I finally let my walls down and opened myself up. I took a leap of faith and look where that got me.
I’m done. So fucking done.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that things happen for a reason, they’re supposed to teach us something. I’m not sure what the lesson is here, though. Perhaps it’s as simple as be careful who you give your heart to.