“No, no, you just startled me. I’m fine. Seth, do you know where you are?”
He was so stricken that he turned away from her. “I could’ve hurt you,” he said, his voice full of despair. “You should leave.”
“I’m not leaving you now. You had an episode. Do you want to go to the hospital?”
“No!” He whirled on her. Trying to calm himself, he said more quietly, “No. I’ll be fine. I just need to sit for a while in silence.”
“Then I’ll sit with you.”
He nodded, and they sat back down on the bed. Rose didn’t touch him, no matter how much she wanted to.
They didn’t have long to sit in silence. The door burst open, and in came what seemed like the entire Thornton family.
“We heard a shout. Jesus, what happened?” Caleb demanded.
After him followed Lizzie, Harrison, and then Lisa.
“Seth, Caleb said you left the fireworks show,” Lizzie said as she sat down in a chair next to him. “Can you talk? You’re scaring me.”
Lisa’s expression was even more stricken than Seth’s had been moments earlier. To Rose’s shock, she saw tears on Lisa’s face.
“I didn’t know,” Lisa whispered. When Seth didn’t respond, she spoke to Rose. “I didn’t know. I would never have had the fireworks. He never said a word. He said he was fine…”
Rose stood and took Lisa’s hand, squeezing it. Lisa began to cry harder, and she turned away, obviously embarrassed by this onslaught of emotion.
“Seth, talk to me.” Harrison kneeled in front of his younger brother. “What happened? Can you tell me?”
Seth stood up again, and Harrison almost fell over. It would’ve been comical if everyone weren’t so worried.
“Will you all just. Get. OUT!” Seth shouted the last two words until everyone winced. “GET. OUT!”
“Everyone needs to leave,” Abby said as she bustled inside.
Rose vaguely remembered being told that Abby was an ER nurse, and based on her current demeanor, Rose could see why. Within moments, Abby had gotten everyone—except Rose—to leave so she could look over Seth.
Abby was able to piece together an explanation from both Rose and Seth, and after Seth declined going to the hospital a second time, Abby took Rose aside.
“He needs to go home and rest. If anything else happens, though, take him straight to the ER, got it?”
Rose nodded, almost numb at this point. “Got it.”
Rose collected Callie, who’d stayed by James’s side and who seemed the most disappointed to be leaving early.
Rose barely remembered driving Seth back to their apartments. She declined to tell anyone her driver’s license had expired ages ago.
Sensing that her two favorite humans were upset, Callie laid her head, chin down, on the center console. Periodically, Rose would scratch her behind the ears, and she could hear Callie’s tail thump against the backseats.
“I’m staying with you,” Rose said as Seth opened his front door.
He didn’t protest, but he didn’t seem to hear her, either. He mumbled something about taking a shower. Rose took Callie for a quick walk before having her settle down on some blankets in the living room.
“Are you hungry?” she asked Seth when he emerged from his bedroom. “I could make us something.”
He shook his head. “You should go home,” he said. “You don’t need to stay here.”
“Of course I do. Seth, what happened tonight—”
“I don’t want to talk about it. It happened, whatever. I’ll get over it.”
He collapsed onto his couch and closed his eyes. Rose finally sat next to him, still afraid to touch him.
“Did I hurt you?” He opened his eyes; his gaze was clear but stark.
“No. It was an accident. You didn’t know where you were.”
“Didn’t I? All I could hear were the bombs—fireworks—and I just lost my fucking mind.” He smiled grimly. “Didn’t I say I didn’t want to talk about it?”
After a long moment, he sighed. “You should go, Rose.”
“And leave you alone right now? No way.” She glared at him. “So stop telling me to leave already.”
Seth almost laughed at Rose’s obstinate expression. Of course she wouldn’t leave, she was as stubborn as anyone he knew. Maybe even more stubborn than Lizzie, which was saying something.
His head pounded, and he wished he could drink until he blacked out. Too bad he only had a few beers in his fridge. Maybe he could go to the corner store…
He doubted alcohol could banish the thoughts replaying over and over in his mind: the sound of the fireworks; the smell of blood filling his nostrils; the heat of sand; the screams. Past and present had blurred until he couldn’t decipher which was which. He’d never lost himself so completely before, and God Almighty, it terrified him.
And then he’d knocked Rose to the floor without even knowing he was doing it.
She wasn’t hurt, thank God, but he felt guilty anyway. He could’ve hurt her. What if he’d pushed her hard enough that she struck her head on something? Horror congealed in his gut.
He might not have hurt her tonight, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t hurt her later. He’d been deceiving himself, thinking he could make a life for himself here. He was good for nothing but being a soldier. Without the Marines, he was just a shell of a man, too terrified to enjoy a damn fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
“It should’ve been me,” he said hoarsely. “Not Max. I should’ve been the one who died that day.”
“How can you say that? Seth, you can’t blame yourself—”
“Of course I can! I should’ve known, I should’ve been paying fucking attention.” He struggled for air, and the memories of that day flooded back. Yet the worst part was that he knew where he was now, and that meant he couldn’t do a damn thing about what had happened. He just saw Max, bleeding onto the sand, and he saw himself being unable to save him.
“He was a good man. He had a little girl. But here I am, coming back to this stupid town and with nothing to show for it. I’m a wreck; I can’t be anything but a soldier.” He didn’t break eye contact with Rose, like he could somehow convey what he meant through his gaze. “I can’t do this.”
She shook her head. Tears spilled from her eyes. She tried to take his hand, but he wouldn’t let her.
“I’ve made my decision: I’m doing that fourth tour. I’m taking Sergeant Loyd’s offer.”
Rose stared at him, astonished. “What are you talking about? Seth, this isn’t the time to make that kind of a decision.”
“How is it not? Tonight proved that I’m not meant to be here.” He shrugged. “And if it ends up being my last tour, then so be it.”
Rose’s jaw clenched. “So that’s it? You don’t deserve to have a life of your own at all?” She wiped the tears from her cheeks, but they kept flowing. “You’re not thinking clearly.”
“I’m thinking more clearly than I ever have before.”
“So what we have is nothing? You’ll leave and never return because you don’t deserve any better?”