“It’s never too late. Besides, you love it. Who reads books like this? Nobody, except people who really love them.”
She lay down on her stomach, her hair falling down her back in dark waves. “And then what? I teach? Write books?”
“Whatever you want. Sing songs in the park if you want. As long as it makes you happy.”
They talked into the night: about Seth, growing up in his crazy family; about Rose, growing up without a father and then without either parent. They talked about what they’d wanted to be when they were kids and how their lives had turned out so differently. Seth told her about when Lizzie had run off, and how he’d been adrift until he’d joined the Marines.
He didn’t tell her about possibly returning for another tour. He didn’t know why—or maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t want her to know that he was afraid he could only be a soldier and nothing else. That war was in his blood, and if he wasn’t in the Marines, he became adrift, just like he’d been before he’d joined up.
Yet as they lay together, Seth also knew that he couldn’t let Rose go. He had convinced himself he couldn’t love, that Max’s death had killed that part of him, but more and more, he realized he’d been wrong.
He loved her. He closed his eyes against the realization, but there it was. He’d do anything for her, and wasn’t that love in its purest form?
When her breathing became even and slow, he kissed her pale shoulder. I love you, he thought, unsure if he could ever say the words aloud.
Chapter Sixteen
Rose awoke to the sound of Seth’s voice. Yawning, she sat up, her brain slowly clearing of sleep.
Seth’s shoulders were tense as he spoke to someone on the phone. “Yeah, you’ll have my answer soon, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I understand. Bye.”
He seemed not to realize she was next to him. She began to rub his shoulders, concerned, but he pushed her hands away.
“I need to take a shower,” he muttered. “I’ll be back,” he added in a gentler voice.
Rose heard the water turn on next door, and as she made breakfast for herself and Seth, she frowned. Who wanted an answer from him? He hadn’t mentioned anything of the sort lately.
Rose gave Callie a bite of bacon. “It’s just one thing after another with us, isn’t it?”
Seth returned twenty minutes later, his hair wet and looking a little less dazed. They sat down to eat, not speaking, and Rose decided not to press him until he felt ready to tell her what was going on.
Seth set his plate down on the table, smiling when Callie tried to nose another piece of bacon from his plate. “Sit,” Seth said, and after Callie sat, he gave her a piece as a reward.
“I guess you’re wondering what that was about,” he said finally.
Rose bit her lip and began to fiddle with her hair. “Something like that.”
He sighed, running his hands through his hair, disheveling the damp strands. “My CO told me that he has a mission in mind for me. He can get me switched from inactive duty to active by the fall if I accept.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It means I’d do a fourth tour.”
Rose swallowed. She felt dizzy at the news, like her world had been tilted on its axis. Seth could be leaving in only a few months? She closed her eyes and did her best to stave off the panic.
“Do you know what you’re going to say?” she asked woodenly.
“No. Sometimes I think I should, because what the hell am I doing here? Making tables?” At her hurt look, he winced. “I don’t mean you. I’m sorry. I just meant that I feel like I’m meant to be only a soldier and nothing else.”
“That’s not true. You did really well in the Marines, from what you’ve told me, but you can’t go to war for the rest of your life. We might not even have any wars to go to eventually.” They both stared at each other at that statement before laughing sadly.
“Okay, maybe not,” she allowed, “and I may know nothing about the military, but you don’t stay on the front lines forever. Right?”
“Right. After Max died, I thought I was done.” Seth leaned back, sighing. “But I don’t know anymore. Sergeant Loyd has offered me something that could make me a sergeant if things go well.”
“And if things go badly?” Her voice was a whisper now. “What happens if you don’t come back?”
“I came back three times already. What’s a fourth?”
His light tone fell flat, and they both said nothing. The panic once again clawed at Rose’s mind. She’d just found Seth—fallen in love with him—and here he was, about to leave her.
The thought sent her to a dark place, where she was alone no matter what she did.
“Rose,” he said as he lifted up her chin. “It’s going to be all right. I haven’t made my decision yet anyway.”
“Haven’t you, though? If you were going to say no, you would’ve already.”
He couldn’t deny it; he dropped his hand and clenched his jaw.
“I don’t have a right to tell you what to do with your life, but think about your family. Yourself, even. You still have nightmares—”
“You think I don’t know that? I can’t sleep without seeing my best friend getting fucking blown up.”
Rose flinched.
“Look, I should head out. I’ll call you. Do you have to work today?” he asked.
“No. I’m going over to Heath’s. He’s picking me up.”
“Good, good. I’ll see you later.”
He was so distracted that he only kissed her cheek before heading out, not even telling Callie goodbye like he usually did.
Rose rubbed her eyes, exhausted beyond measure. She’d lied about Heath coming by: she just hadn’t wanted Seth to stick around because he felt guilty.
“Come on, girl,” she said to Callie as she got Callie’s leash, “let’s go take a walk. Otherwise I’m going to lose my mind sitting around here.”
Callie barked happily, and Rose was glad that at least somebody around here was happy for once.
When Seth screwed up a table leg for the third time, Alan told him to take a break. “Otherwise I’m going to run out of wood,” he said dryly.
Seth swore under his breath. He was too distracted to get any real work done; the usual peace he got from woodworking wasn’t happening today.
He couldn’t stop thinking about Rose’s face when he’d told her he might say yes to a fourth tour. She’d been stricken, yet she hadn’t told him to say no, either. But what else can I do? he thought rather desperately.
His mind whispered that he was just too scared to admit how much he cared for Rose—that he couldn’t tell her that he loved her. Because the people he loved died, didn’t they?
“You going to tell me what’s going on or am I going to have to torture it out of you?” Alan joked. He handed Seth a mug of hot coffee. “I haven’t seen you destroy a table leg like that since you were a kid.”
Seth grunted. “Just a lot on my mind.”
“No kidding. The missus got mad at me this morning because I’d forgotten to buy toilet paper. Like I’d remember her telling me that at seven yesterday morning when I don’t get home until five! She told me to get out until I could get my head out of my ass.” He whistled. “That woman has a temper, that’s for sure.”