I pulled my hand out of his, weakly reaching up to touch his face. Beneath the beard was the scar I was so familiar with. I could feel it now, hidden behind all the whiskers and regret. He got this scar protecting me—standing up for our love that no one understood.
I remember the fight vividly.
“What the hell, Faith? You were meant to be with me. Not this fat piece of shit.”
“You’ll never be half the man, Midas is, Switchblade. Your heart is full of hate and darkness, but Midas, he’s full of gold light and good.”
Switchblade’s anger raged inside his eyes. He gripped my arm, forcing me to look at him. “You’re mine, Faith. I haven’t loved a woman in a very long time, and I’m not going to let another one get away like the last one did.”
“I’m not in love with you, Switchblade. When are you going to realize that you and I never will be a thing? I don’t care what Midas looks like, it’s his heart that made me fall in love with him and there will never be another man in this world that will ever make me feel like he does.”
Switchblade’s grip got even more domineering. He rushed my face, pressing his lips against mine in a sad attempt to win me over. I could taste the alcohol and cigarettes on his lips, and it repulsed me. I pushed him away.
“Leave me alone, Curtis.”
“What’s going on here?” Midas asked, appearing around the side of the building Switchblade had me pressed against.
“YOU!” Switchblade raged. “This is all your fault! I’m going to kill you for taking her away from me.”
Midas never saw the blade before Switchblade released it from its hidden compartment and slashed it across Midas’ beautiful face. It all happened so quickly, that I didn’t even have time to react before my brother and dad skidded around the corner, just in time to see Midas’ knees hit the ground. He covered his face, blood seeping through his fingers.
My father should’ve kicked Switchblade out of the club right there for hurting one of his brothers, but he didn’t. Switchblade was just a messed-up kid that had a lot of anger issues, and my father saw that. He didn’t go unpunished for what he did to Midas, but the scar was a constant reminder of how loose of a cannon Switchblade could be, and how he should not be ignored.
I picked through the whiskers covering his cheek until I was fingering the scar. I was touching him—JD—my Midas, the love I thought I lost but was here the whole time.
“I thought you were dead,” I cried. “I thought I lost you again.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Faith. It would take a million bullets to pierce though this broken body before I’d ever lay my head down without your beautiful face staring back at me.”
I frowned against his palm. Tears consumed my eyes, releasing all the anguish I’d been harboring deep in my heart. The feelings of abandonment, the tears I shed when I felt like life had taken everything that I loved away from me. All of it was mixing together. The bitter resentment. All of the lies and betrayal. The cold truth that he had been alive this whole time and let me believe he was dead. It all sat in my chest like a brick of concrete tied to the foot of someone who was thrown into water and left to drown. That’s how being without Midas always felt—like I was drowning.
“You lied to me,” I whispered. “I did things . . . I . . . I was going to kill someone for you . . . I almost killed myself in order to be with you.” I had to look away from him, finding a spot on the wall to focus on so I could suppress the emotion taking over my body. Not even my brother knew about my failed attempts to take my own life, and now I couldn’t look at him without feeling repulsed with myself.
“I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can say to change what I did, Faith. All I can hope is that somehow you will figure out a way to forgive me. I never stopped loving you. My heart has always bled only for you.”
But that was a lie, too. And I wasn’t going to let it slip by. I knew his heart bled for other people. It had to. No man can go seven years without having a woman around for company—not even someone as pure as Midas.
My head snapped around and I glared at him. “If your heart only bled for me, then why did you fuck other people? Why didn’t you stay faithful? I thought you were dead! I had my reasons for moving on. But you . . . you should’ve stayed faithful to me.”
He nodded, unable to meet my eyes. “I did what I had to in order to get back to you, Faith. I’m sorry.” A single tear slipped down his cheek, followed by another. His hold on my hand weakened and I could feel his wrist shaking, almost as if my words broke him apart.
I loved him in that moment, but I hated him, too. I hated him for leaving me—for abandoning me when he knew I needed him. For daring to be with other women when he knew I was dying without him.
“Maybe you should go,” Scythe said, clapping Specter on the shoulder. “She’s going to need some time to cool off.”
“NO!” I screamed. “I’m not some fragile piece of glass that’s going to break anymore, Jimmy. Everybody else needs to leave, I need to talk to JD alone.”
My brother and Switchblade reluctantly retreated, leaving me alone in the room with Specter.
“How many were there?”
“How many what?” he asked, a twinge of confusion setting in his brow.
“Women. How many women got to touch you while I was alone thinking you were dead?”
“Two, both recently. Both because I had no other choice.”
“Who were they?” I asked him. I’m not sure why I cared so much about the women he bedded down, but I needed to know if there had been any woman since me that he fell for.
“The first was Filly, she’s the president of the Vicious Vipers. In order for me to hide out on her side of town, I had to do two things for her. Fuck her and make her cum, because most men were afraid to fuck her.”
“And the second thing?”
“Find the club member who was undercover in the Armada and bring her back home. I failed that one because the member she sent me after was Daisy and Daisy disappeared with Guerrilla.”
For some reason the sting of him fucking another woman didn’t hurt so bad. Maybe because he only fucked her because he had to like he said. Filly was known to be vindictive and she always got what she wanted. That’s why the club never fucked with the Vipers. It wasn’t because they were an all women club, it was because they weren’t to be trusted.
“Who was the other woman?”
“Desi, when she gave me my initiation blow job, which by the way I never meant for you to see.”
My heart melted a bit. For seven years he remained faithful to me. Seven years he kept himself celibate so he wouldn’t betray our love—only breaking his vow because he absolutely had to. He did what he could to get back to me, even if what he did involved messing around with other women.
“Swear it was only two?”
“There has only ever been one woman for me, and it was her image I saw when I dug myself out of that grave. It was her image that kept me moving to the hospital even when it felt like my body had given up. It has always been her image that has kept me alive.”
He sat on the bed next to me, his beautiful face breaking down all the walls I created in his absence. I traced the unfamiliar contours, trying to see past the mask he’d been wearing all this time. Underneath it all was my Midas, the man who stole my heart just by being the genuine human he was. I thought I had lost him seven years ago, and in a sense maybe I did, but the man sitting before me was even stronger than the man I fell in love with. He survived just so he could live for me.