The rain starts to lessen as he speaks, and he quiets his voice because he doesn’t have to project over the sound of the downpour.
“Leena asked me if I wanted to go on a date with her going through the cafeteria line. I said that I would think about it, mostly so that she wouldn’t keep asking. And then she introduced me as her boyfriend, and I kept waiting for you to say something. To intervene and clarify. I was so shocked that I couldn’t speak. Fuck, if I could go back to that day and do it over again, I would have gotten myself together and made it precisely, exactly clear that I was not with her.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No.” His voice is anguished. “I didn’t. But I went after you. You disappeared and I couldn’t find you to ask what was going on. And when I saw you after that, you pretended that you didn’t know me. And when I had seen you in the cafeteria you looked so pale that I wondered if you had wanted to break up and didn’t want to tell me. I didn’t know what to do. You wouldn’t talk to me. You cheered Leena on with me. It seemed like you were pushing her toward me, so I gave in.
“I shouldn’t have. But I did. I wasn’t happy. There was part of me that was always waiting for you to remember what we had and say something. It felt a little like being in a dream.”
He takes a breath and holds me closer. I let him. He feels good in the cold after being wet, even if the Georgia air is still hot.
“I’m not claiming to be blameless. I never should have used Leena the way I did. I kept seeing her mostly so that I could keep seeing you. You went everywhere together, and I could always count on that. Until…” he hesitates. “This is the part that you’re not going to want to hear.”
“I still need to hear it,” I say. I had no idea that this is what he went through. What he thought about me. I can’t even blame him, because he’s right. I didn’t stand up for him. Or for us.
“I used Leena to see you, until she wouldn’t let me anymore. She became more and more possessive. Constantly demanding things and that I spend time with her and only her. She got suspicious when I wasn’t with her and was constantly checking on me. Even when I was only rehearsing. And I was good at deflecting her. Good enough that I didn’t bother to break up with her.
“She was my only connection to you, and I knew—deep in my gut—that if I broke up with her, she would make my life a living hell. And I couldn’t break up with her to date someone else, because I didn’t want anyone else. I only wanted you.”
“But you stayed together for years.”
He shakes his head. “When we all left for school it was in name only for most of the time. We barely spoke because neither of us had the time, and she was…occupied.”
“You mean—” I cut myself off. I can’t even say that I’m that surprised.
“She was cheating? Yes, and frequently. We were only together a few times through college. Once was a drunken mistake. Once I was so desperate for a touch and reminder of anything that had to do with you that I settled for her. And the last time, I was done.
“She came to visit unexpectedly and blew up at me for not having the time to drop everything to be with her. To plan romantic dinners for her and take her out on the town. To ‘fuck her like she deserved.’ And I knew that she hadn’t been remotely faithful to me. I didn’t care that she wasn’t either, but I was done being at her beck and call, and I told her so. I told her that we were finished, and that there would be nothing more between us. Ever.”
He goes quiet for a moment. “That was when she had everyone block me. I figured it out when you cut me out of all the social media. And I wondered if I had made a mistake. Because I had set myself free, but there was nothing left of you. Even though by that time I had given up all hope of seeing you again. But I…I never really moved on. I’ve just been waiting, because it was always you.”
My tears had dried, but they resurface again now. “Really? You mean that?”
Eric kisses me hard. An imprinting kiss that sears my heart. Brands it as his. “Yes, Persephone. I should have told you a long time ago. I should have told you before I left camp. I never should have left without saying goodbye. But I’m saying it now. I love you. I adore you. I don’t want anyone else but you.”
I’m really crying now, and he kisses me again as a new wave of rain starts to come down. Taking my hand, he pulls me back to the car, and he opens the back door. We tumble in together, barely getting the door closed before he’s on top of me. Lips and hands and rearranging clothing. And then he’s pushing into me and I brace my hands on the already fogging windows. “I love you too,” I manage to say as he stills inside me, holding the moment still. “I never wanted you to be with her, I just…I didn’t know what to do when she came up and said that. Because she had found me before lunch and told me that she was in love with the new boy. She gushed about how gorgeous and sweet he was. And later when she appeared with you, it was too late. I had already cheered her on and told her to go for it. I felt like I had to tell her yes. Because when I told her about you and us at camp, she had cheered me on. And then I saw how much you liked her—how much I thought you liked her—and I was willing to stay quiet as long as you both were happy.”
My eyes blur with unshed tears. “I’m so sorry, Eric.”
This kiss is soft, and he starts to move. Healing us both with the pleasure that he brings. “You don’t have to apologize, Seph. We both made mistakes. And we both are here now. Let’s not make those mistakes again, okay?”
“Never,” I promise. “Honesty only from here on.”
He tangles a hand in my hair as he drives deep, pushing in harder and faster, excising all of the pain that we’ve both felt through this and replacing it with pleasure. With love. I love him so fucking much that I can’t contain it. So much that the whole sky would not be enough space for it.
Our climax hits together, a pure white blazing star. A nova that seals us together in a bond that cannot be broken. Not anymore. No matter what happens, we will weather it together.
“I love you,” I say as we’re shaking together. “I love you. I love you.”
He laughs softly. “And I you.”
“I feel like I’ve been waiting so long to say it, that now I need to say it more.”
For a moment Eric’s eyes shine, and I think that he’s as moved as I am. “You can tell me whenever you want,” he says. “I’m going to be saying it too.”
“There is no space for anything else in me but love.”
He gazes down at me. “Tell me you’re still writing, Seph, because sentences like that need to be in the world.”
I sigh. We just promised honesty. “I try, but I struggle. I’ve always wanted to write about the world I see, but I can’t afford to do the traveling I want to do. I’m still hopeful though.”
“I’m glad. If you had stopped writing because of me, I would never forgive myself.”
I shake my head. “No. It’s just…hard to find the time.”
“I will help you find the time,” Eric whispers against my lips. “And maybe the travel. Come back to New York with me at the end of the summer. Be with me.”