It felt like he was looking directly at me. My heart lurched as I looked into my brother’s smiling eyes. A sound escaped my throat.
Evie dropped my hand and put an arm around my shoulders. With a strong but gentle force, she began to lead me down the aisle toward the front row.
“No,” I said, pulling back. “Not there.”
“You are family. You should sit in the front row.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I don’t want to. I prefer to be in the back.”
“Okay,” she answered without pushing the issue.
I led the way to the far corner of the room. There were no seats available. I didn’t care. I preferred to stand. I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it through the entire funeral. I didn’t want to disrupt it if I got up to leave. Evie stood beside me, her shoulder rubbing against my upper arm as we leaned against the wall.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the image on the screen. It wasn’t a picture I had seen before. It looked fairly recent, which told me it was likely from his most recent deployment. When the funeral director began to speak, I tuned out. I didn’t want to hear all the generic phrases that were recycled for every funeral.
I barely listened as one man after another wearing dress blues spoke about him, applauding his bravery and courage. They all knew a different man than I did. They all called him their brother. I felt a twinge of jealousy as I realized many of them were probably closer to him than his real brother.
About a minute into the slideshow, I realized I’d had enough. I couldn’t watch his life play out in a chronological order. Every picture was a memory. A reminder that we would never have another memory together.
“I need to go,” I said and began to move.
Evie’s hand gripped mine as we made our way out of the funeral home. I burst through the door, dragging in deep breaths of fresh air. The air inside the funeral home smelled like grief. The sniffles and the sight of hardened Marines crying was too much for me to take.
“Are you okay?” Evie asked.
That was a strange question to me. “No, I’m not okay.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“No, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it.”
“Okay. Would you like to go for a walk?”
I looked up and down the street lined with cars. “A lot of people loved him,” I said.
“Yes, they did.”
“I’m glad. I’m glad to know he had that many people in his life that cared about him.”
“Just because there are a lot of people that loved and cared about him, it doesn’t mean your relationship or your love for him didn’t matter. You were important to him. I only got to know him for a very brief time, but I know he loved you.”
“But did he know how I felt about him?” I asked.
“I think he did. He knew you very well, even if you don’t think he did.”
“I don’t know,” I murmured. “I just wish I could talk to him one more time. I want to tell him all the things I should have said when he was here. I want to apologize for not dropping everything and coming up here to visit him. I took him for granted.”
“Xander, you are not the first person to realize they should have done this or should have said that when a loved one passes away unexpectedly. We know we should do better, and yet, we rarely do. Trust that he knew you cared about him. Don’t try to add to your grief. Just accept the fact that he loved you and you loved him and you both knew it.”
I wanted to believe her, but my heart wasn’t there yet. “Thanks.”
“Would you like to go get something to eat?”
“No, I hate to say this, but I really would just like to be alone. I appreciate you coming all the way here, but I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to hibernate.”
She nodded without arguing. “Okay. I’ll be in town.”
“You will?”
“I have a room nearby. Do you have your phone?”
“I do.”
“Same number?”
I felt a little guilty for not texting her back. That was a dick move. “Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t text back. I’ve just been trying to figure shit out.”
“It’s fine. I’ll text you the hotel and my room number. You don’t have to text me back. You’ll have the information if you want it. No pressure.”
“Thanks. Really, thank you for coming. It helped.”
“You are welcome. That’s what friends are for.”
“Did you drive? Can I give you a ride to your hotel?”
“I rented a car,” she answered.
“Me too.”
“I’ll let you go. Please call if you need anything. I’m here Xander. I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.”
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to kiss her goodbye or leave it. It felt weird. I felt weird. I didn’t have to worry about it for long. She turned and walked away, leaving me alone on the sidewalk.
Chapter 50
Evie
I wrapped my hair up in a towel and pulled on my panties before walking into the room. I had waited all night for Xander to call. He never did, but he texted me a couple times to let me know he was okay. That was enough for me.
I was going to catch a flight home tomorrow. I wanted to give him one more day, just in case he changed his mind and needed me.
I flipped on the TV just to have a little noise in the room. It was going to be a warm day—in the eighties. I laughed out loud. That was an average to cool day where we were from. I stepped back into the bathroom to brush my teeth and was just rinsing out the last bit when I heard a knock on the hotel room door.
I froze, looking down at my undressed body and panicked. I rushed into the room, yanked on a pair of shorts, and managed to pull a T-shirt over my head with the towel still holding up my thick hair. I looked through the peephole to find Xander standing at the door, hands in his pockets.
I jerked open the door. “You’re here. Did you text?”
“No, I thought I would surprise you.”
“Come in,” I said, feeling a little flustered. “You did surprise me.”
“Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“Absolutely not,” I told him. “I’m glad to see you. How are you feeling?”
“Good. Fine. Do you have plans for today?”
“Nope, I am at your disposal. I’m here for you and you alone.”
“I was thinking we could go out on the town today,” he said.
“I’d like that. I hear it’s supposed to be a warm one today.”
He laughed. “It is much cooler up here.”
“I like it,” I told him. “I can see the appeal.”
He gave me a onceover. “We can go down to the beach, check out some of the tourist traps, and just have some fun.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“I’d like to take you to the best seafood restaurant in town. You will never want to eat clam chowder anywhere else.”
I smiled, happy to see him behaving so normally. That was a positive sign. “I’ll get dressed.”