The dreaded practice of picking teams; an antiquated tradition that should be banned because it only fostered the separation between the popular kids and the outcasts. It wasn’t a surprise when Ella’s hand shot up right before Declan raised his own. Great. With those captains, I was sure to be the last one picked.
Ella picked Samantha. Declan picked Brock, big surprise there. I listened as other names were called, the cushion of people separating me from being the last man standing growing smaller and smaller. Another reminder of how my world had changed because never would I have been last picked with Brock. He was the frick to my frack, but now, I was the one on the outside looking in. My gaze dropped to hide my anger. I chewed on my lower lip and wondered if it was too late to say I had my period and nasty cramps, so I could get excused to the nurse’s office. Most male teachers, as soon as you said the dreaded p-word, had them talking over you and waving you away. As if the condition was contagious.
“Cedar.”
I was pulled from my thoughts when I heard my name, but I was so distracted I didn’t know who called it. Then I glanced around the gym to see there were still several people yet to be called. I had to be daydreaming because in what universe was I picked before Layla, and Grant, he was a first string football star?
“Are you coming, Babe?”
My head snapped to Declan, but my eyes didn’t stay on him because I caught sight of Brock. It was how he was looking that I knew he’d been the one to suggest me. I should be grateful to not be the last one picked, but it felt more like charity and coming from my one-time best friend, it hurt…and pissed me off.
“He picked me for gym.” I told Mom later that day, while we worked in the garden. “Three years and suddenly, I’m visible again.” Yanking the band from my hair, I redid the knot it was in.
Mom stopped cutting, dropping her hands in her lap. She was smiling when she looked over at me. “You think he hasn’t noticed you?” Her eyes moved down from my lime green bedazzled tee to my cut off jean shorts that I’d sewn black lace to the bottom of. “How could he not notice you, Cedar?” She touched my cheek, wiping a bit of dirt from it. “You’re beautiful, you’re unique; you’re a diamond in a sea of sapphires.”
Unwavering, her belief and love in me. Humbling at times. The back of my eyes burned. “I get it from you.”
Her head tilted back, her melodic laugh filling the air but that quickly her expression changed and her laughter died. “You’re more confident than I was. You believe in yourself more than I did. That’s why I know you’re going to be okay, because you’re already so confident, even at eighteen.”
I had her to thank for that, my rock, and my biggest cheerleader.
“I know you’ve missed him, but I do believe whatever kept him away, he thought he was doing the right thing,” she said.
“I know. That’s what makes it so hard to be angry.”
“He’s older now, maybe he’s come to realize that when you live in the dark, you shouldn’t shut out the light.” She started clipping some lavender.
“Maybe.” I said, and then added, “I like working in the garden with you.”
“I like it too.”
Comfortable silence followed for a bit as we worked together. I broke it when I asked, “How did you know Dad was the one?”
A faraway look moved over her expression as she remembered. “It wasn’t like you see in the movies. I didn’t see him and my heart immediately started to race and my palms grew sweaty. It was only after being together for a while, finding that rhythm, little things like him making my coffee and knowing how I take it.” She smiled. “Or handing me the Entertainment section of the newspaper without being asked.” She glanced over at me. “Rubbing my feet after a long day, or holding my hand when we watch the sunset. We went from two people to a couple, and I knew I wanted to be linked to him forever.”
My young heart sighed because I wanted that. I wanted to be a part of a couple. I wanted someone who, even after decades together, still looked at me like it was the first time. “I can’t wait to fall in love.”
Mom reached for my hand. “Falling in love is wonderful, but it doesn’t always last, so as wonderful as it is to fall, it can hurt just as much when it’s over.”
“I know.” Not from personal experience, but I watched enough movies to get an idea.
“You might get your heart hurt a few times, but don’t do what some do: close off, play it safe rather than risk another broken heart because, without taking risks, how are you to find extraordinary?”
“I won’t, but falling in love a few times when I haven’t fallen at all yet seems unlikely.”
“You will. You don’t see it, but one day, you will.” She stood and reached her hand down for me. “Besides, you are falling. You’ve been falling since you were eleven.”
She was right.
She collected the basket of flowers. “How about we make some brownies, put on a movie?”
“Your award-winning chocolate caramel brownies?” And they were award winning, taking first place at the county fair four years running.
“I bought the ingredients this morning.”
“Sounds perfect.” We had just reached the house when I said, “I love you, Mom.”
She didn’t miss a beat when she replied, “I love you too, Cedar.”
Chapter Two
Brock
Sitting on the front of my car, I drained the bottle of beer. I welcomed the numbness that followed. Looking up at the dark sky, not even the stars were out.
A bonfire lit the night, the flames shooting up into the darkened sky. We wouldn’t have long, the cops would come, but we’d get at least an hour. People were pairing off. Declan finally got Layla in the back seat of his car. There were a few chicks giving me the look, the one that said they’d climb into the back of my car. I’d been there, done that. I wanted something different. Someone different.
My mind wandered to earlier in gym class. I couldn’t help the grin when Cedar popped into my head. I remembered the first time I saw her. Fourth grade. Her hair was even wilder then. She was missing her front tooth. The first day of school, and she was wearing a skirt that had cupcakes all over it and a pink tee with a cherry in rhinestones. Kids snickered at her, even then the stereotypes were set, but she didn’t seem to care. Didn’t even seem to notice. I envied her being so sure of who she was, even back then, envied that she took the path least traveled, even knowing it was going to bring her heartache, but it didn’t stop her. For a time, our paths had run side by side. I’d never had a friend like her before and knew I never would again. I missed her, but I kept my distance, watching as she went from the little kid I knew to the beauty she was now. She didn’t see it, downplayed it, but she was beautiful, largely because what was on the outside was on the inside, too. She was good, down to the bone.