Three sets of eyes move to me. I squirm under all their gazes. “And what did Princess say to that?”
Fuck me, but I actually missed Oscar pushing my buttons by calling me Princess. I hope he never stops, which means I have to keep pretending it bothers me. “Princess says you should stop fucking calling her that.” A messy ball of emotion crawls up my throat, and I’m not sure I’m fooling anyone.
“Kyla...” Brawler says. I glance up at worried turquoise eyes.
“This is just as awkward for me as it is for you.”
Oscar barks out a laugh. “You sound like you’re about to have the sex talk with us. Christ, we know about contraceptives, we want to know who else is sticking their dick inside you.”
“Classy, Drego,” Magnum mutters. “I haven’t stuck my dick inside her.”
The weight of their gazes makes my skin clammy. It’s not that I’m not going to tell them. I want to tell them, but I just never figured on having a conversation that starts with, “Yeah, so I really want to jump four guys.” Does anyone think they’re going to have a conversation that starts like that? If they do, maybe they should run with that in sex-ed class instead of how to put condoms on bananas.
I’m sick of hiding behind secrets. I match their gazes, looking into each of their eyes. “I like Magnum. I like Oscar. I like Brawler,” I say, smiling at him. Then, I hesitate briefly before I say, “And I like Johnny Rocket.” I stick my chin in the air because it’s that name that I think could ruffle some feathers. Mainly Brawler’s because Oscar and Magnum already know.
Brawler turns away, running his hands through his blond hair. “Johnny Rocket? Are you kidding me? He’s going to get you killed, Kyla!”
“If anything, it’s me getting myself killed, and you know that,” I say, piercing him with a glare. He knows it was my decision to come to the Heights, to get stuck in the Crew. No, I hadn’t planned on Rocket claiming me, but I wouldn’t take it back at this point either.
I’m in deep with him. Not the Crew.
I look at each of the guys in turn. Brawler and Oscar only tolerate one another. Magnum might be Switzerland. At least, he was before, but I’m not so sure now. Johnny is the wild card, but it became clearer to me while I was away that I’m not giving him up. He can choose not to be with me, but I’m sure as hell not pushing him away. This isn’t an either-or scenario. I’m not picking and choosing the guys based on who each of them tolerate. It’s because I like them. It’s because I care for them. It’s kind of like I’m an animal tamer with a whip. I want them to fall in line, but I can’t make them do it either. Ultimately, it’s their choice whether they want this with all of us or not.
“I care about all of you, but I’m not the only one involved in this,” I finally say. Nerves rush through me, and I’m a dorky teenage girl again wanting to ask her crush to the dance. Fear sluices through me that one of them might up and walk away because of this, but I can’t let that emotion hold me back. I won’t let it. It’s better that they know now what they’re getting into. “A relationship like this wouldn’t be conventional, but neither are any of us,” I say. “I’m in it. This is it. It’s us five for me. No one else.” I bite my lip. “Are you guys in?”
5
The silence fucks me up. Each passing moment sounds like a nail in my coffin. I’ve already had my heart set on all of these guys, but I understand the notion is ridiculous. Crazy, even. I mean, who do I think I am taking four extremely fuckable guys off the market at once?
I’m going to get lynched in the court of able-visioned women, ages eighteen to seventy-three.
I don’t expect Oscar to be the first to speak up. “I already suspected you had it bad for Johnny.” He grits his teeth. “I’ve had to live with a fuckton of shit, so I know when a good thing comes along.” He steps toward me, stooping down to claim my mouth in a heated kiss that sends shivers all the way to my toes. “I’m in,” he says over my lips. Pulling away just a fraction, he gives me one of his salacious grins. “I don’t know how Johnny’s going to take it, but I’m looking forward to that playing out. As long as he doesn’t kick my ass again.”
“Yeah, let’s hope that doesn’t happen again,” I agree. But who am I kidding? It could get much worse than that. Johnny isn’t the type to share, which is why I’ve kept my mouth shut this entire time.
I start to turn toward Brawler, but Magnum speaks up next. “I knew what I was getting myself into from the beginning.” His hazel-eyed gaze ricochets through me. Heated promises linger in his depths, and my nipples peak under his scrutiny. I try not to fall down the rabbit hole of wondering how Magnum treats his loved ones. If it’s anything like his personality, he’ll care with an unguarded intensity. I wasn’t expecting to have this conversation so soon, and already, I feel like shit because Brawler and Oscar know something he doesn’t.
“Johnny?” Brawler asks again, his tone definitely giving off a case of What the fuck? The apprehension weighing his shoulder is tough to look at.
I move toward him, taking his hands in mine. “He can be saved, Brawler. I know it.”
“That’s assuming he wants to be.” His cold gaze twists my stomach.
Magnum hits Oscar in the shoulder, and despite Oscar looking like the last thing he wants to do is walk away, they both go into the kitchen to give us a little privacy.
“You’re mad...” I start.
Brawler runs his hands through his hair again. “I don’t know what to think. Maybe I refused to see it. I don’t know. Every time you were with him when I was around, you seemed off. I thought it was because you didn’t want him to touch you.”
I bite down on my lip. It wasn’t that. I just thought he would hate seeing it. “I was scared to say something. I thought you... Well, you hate the Crew so much.”
His jaw snaps shut. “I thought we had that in common.”
“We do. Fuck. You’d hate them too for what they’ve done to him. It’s all he knows, Brawler.”
He searches my gaze, shaking his head. “Oscar was forced to join. I get that, but—”
“Johnny didn’t have a choice either. He was brought up in it. He knows no other way. I’ve seen the good parts of him,” I plead. If Brawler walks away, it will break me. Not that I wouldn’t deserve it. I keep turning the tables on him. I’m fucking everything up. “None of you were a part of my plan,” I tell him. “God, none of you, but pieces inside each of you match up perfectly with me.” Oscar laughs in the kitchen, and I smile, tentative at first before turning back to Brawler. “The Crew’s his family right now, and he’s loyal and caring. Imagine what he would be if we turned into his family, Brawler?”
His hard edges soften. “Is that what you want? A family?”
A breath expels from my chest. Goddamnit. I do. “More than anything. We all deserve it.” Our backgrounds flit through my brain like a photo album. Brawler, whose mother is lost to depression because his brother and sister were murdered. Oscar and his mother who can’t care for him, let alone herself, because of her addictions. Magnum, whose father was killed while he was in the Crew, and whose mother won’t have anything to do with him because of it. We’re all missing that most vital piece that makes us human.