When he is done rinsing me off, I take the washcloth and the soap from his hand and start washing him in return. I take care of every inch of his beautifully sculpted body, feeling his muscles flex under the washcloth as he moves.
With my other hand, I trace over his heated flesh, mapping out every inch of him, memorizing the way he looks and the way he feels because someday he won’t be here. He can’t stay forever, no matter how much I want him to. He doesn’t want me the same way I want him, and he’s already reminded me that this is temporary, and still, I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t.
If maybe it could be something more? I try not to dwell on the thought for long. Ivan and I will be here for a long while together, it seems. I’ll just deal with whatever happens when it happens.
As we exit the shower and dry off, I realize how exhausted I am. Ivan was right, we both could use some sleep. I don’t even bother putting any clothes back on and instead, I lie down in bed naked. I’m sure Ivan approves because he slips under the blankets behind me, pulling me to his chest. I feel every inch of his skin against mine, and I almost moan. His touch is comforting, his presence makes me feel safe, and it isn’t long before sleep grabs me, dragging me into the darkness.
16
Ivan
I wake up blanketed in warmth. Violet’s body is in my arms just as she has been for the last few weeks. Still, today is different. Today she is free… we are free. Today, I don’t have to take her back to a cell and leave her there. I can hold her all fucking day if I want to, and no one is going to take her from me. Pulling her even closer, I bury my face in her hair and breathe her in. She wiggles in my arms as if she’s trying to escape.
“That tickles,” she giggles. The sound of her giggling fills the room and a warmth settles into my bones. She is happy. I made her happy. If I had any doubts before about all of this being worth it, they’ve vanished. I would do it all over again if I had to just to hear her giggle in my arms, just to see her fucking smile that beautiful smile of hers.
“Ivan?”
I close my eyes, enjoying the way she says me name. It sounds so familiar, so sweet… so loving. I want to hear her say it over and over again, especially when I’m seated deep inside her.
“What is it, Kitten?” I murmur into her hair.
“Why did you do all of this for me? Why did you risk everything to save me? You said you don’t love me, and you don’t want to be with me in the long run. If that’s true, then why?”
I know she is hoping that I’ll confess my love to her and maybe that would be easier than the actual truth, but I'm not ready to confess to loving her yet, even if I know I do. Right now, I just want to be honest with her. I don’t know why, maybe because her body next to mine is like a drug. Her scent messing with my mind, loosening me up, making me want to tell her things that I’ve never told anyone else.
“That first night, when you ran into me in the hallway… you were so scared. You held on to me like your life depended on it, like you needed me to protect you. The way I held you… how you felt in my arms… how you looked at me with your big blue eyes… you reminded me of someone, someone I failed.”
A long stretch of silence forms between us, and I wonder what Violet is thinking right now. Surely, this is not what she expected me to say.
“Mira?” she suddenly asks and a twinge of pain shoots through my heart, making it hard to breathe. Her memory still haunts me. I can still see her, feel her in my arms. My baby sister that I failed to protect, failed to keep alive.
“Yes, Mira… she was my sister. I was supposed to watch her, keep her safe… I didn’t. I couldn’t save her. She died in my arms, clinging on to my shirt with her small hands, looking up at me like I could save her. I lost everything that day… it was my job and I failed... So, seeing you clinging to me, looking for someone to protect you... begging me out of all people to help you. It reminded me of her, and I knew then that this was my second chance. There was no way I could fail you.”
She turns in my arms to face me and snakes her thin arms around my neck and all she does is hold me. And for the first time, I feel like our roles are reversed. I’m usually the one comforting her, and having her do this for me without asking, having her wash me in the shower last night, it all gives me something I didn't think I could ever have again… peace… love.
Not only was I able to protect her, but somewhere along the way, she started to give me more than she could ever take from me. Something about the way she does the things she does lets me know she does them simply because she wants to and not because she feels like she owes me something. We lay like this for a long while until I hear her belly rumbling.
“Time for breakfast, Kitten.” I smile at her, pressing a tiny kiss to her button nose. She’s so fucking adorable it hurts. She pouts but lets go of me and we get up and get dressed, before grabbing something for breakfast. What should be the most normal thing in the world is anything but for us. I enjoy every moment of these mundane tasks that we get to share together.
And I know I’m enjoying them the most because I’m doing them with her. As we clean up our breakfast dishes, I can tell Violet wants to ask me something. I pray it has nothing to do with her sister, because I don’t have it in me to argue with her about that again, not right now.
“Ummm, Ivan?” Her voice sounds nervous, unsure. The way she is moving around in her chair, tucking strands of her soft blond hair behind her ears lets me know she is worried about asking me whatever it is that she wants…
“Yes, Kitten?” I lift a brow, waiting for her to speak.
She gives me a little grin. “Can we go on a walk?”
I swallow, not expecting that to be her question. “A walk?” I raise both eyebrows in shock.
“Yeah… just around the house. I mean, I don’t really care where we go, even if we just walk around the backyard. It’s just that I want to be outside, feel the sun on my face. I haven't been outside in so long.” She’s looking at me like I might tell her no, and there’s no way I could do that to her. If she wants to go outside then she can go outside. We might be hiding but that doesn’t mean the house we’re in has to be seen in as a death sentence, as nothing more than a jail cell.
“Of course, Kitten, we can walk however long and far you want, so long as you stay close to me.” I barely finish the sentence when she jumps up from the chair, her face alight with excitement, which in turn makes me excited and happy.
“Can we go now?” She acts as if she’s a child who was just told she could go outside and play in the first snowfall of winter. I get up without realizing it, wanting to be close to her, to touch her.
“Sure. There should be some shoes, or sandals in that box I had shipped here.” She takes off down the hall and I follow her into the bedroom, watching her dig around in the huge box.
I use that moment while she is distracted to grab the gun from the inside of my jacket. It’s hanging on the chair next to the bed, where I placed it on purpose. I like to sleep with a gun close by just in case, and even more now that we’re on the run.
I turn away from her and slide the gun into the back of my jeans beneath the shirt I’m wearing.