Tracy sipped her water, watching me smugly as the realization dawned. Ace talked to me about my secret admirer so much because it was him, because he wanted to see my reactions, because he needed … validation?
Was it possible a guy like Ace, so outwardly confident and sexy, could have a crush so similar to mine?
“It’s just so unbelievable,” I muttered.
“Why?” Tracy asked.
“Because he’s him, and I’m me.”
“Benji, maybe the real problem here isn’t Ace liking you or not revealing he was your secret admirer right away. Maybe the problem is that you don’t like you.”
“What? Yes, I do.”
“Then why are you so determined to believe you’re worth less than he is? Why can’t he care about you? Why can’t he have doubts like any other guy? You told me he’s only had girlfriends in the past. Maybe he’s grappling with the fact he wants a guy. Or maybe his friendship with your brother has complicated his feelings. I don’t know his reasons. I’m just saying … there are plenty of reasons for him to feel unsure of himself. You’ll never know if you don’t hear him out.”
I didn’t think I was worth less, did I? Sexuality aside, I just always considered Ace far out of my league. And, okay, maybe I wasn’t the most confident guy, but I liked to consider myself a realist. Ace was physically fit, with a great body. I hadn’t seen the inside of a gym since it I fulfilled my high school physical education requirements.
Ace was friendly, always smiling. One of those guys everyone liked. But also, he was considerate, concerned about my happiness, always ready to be a protector or shoulder to cry on. I’d attributed that to his role as my brother’s friend, looking out for me when my brother wasn’t there to do it. But maybe there was more to it.
Maybe Ace really did like me.
Like I liked him.
And if that were true…
Then maybe I could forgive him for the small deception of secretly admiring me with a series of notes and gifts that boosted my spirits. Maybe … I should even thank him.
12
Ace
I was a nervous mess when I knocked on Benji’s dorm room door. He’d texted, asking me to come over and talk. I’d rushed right over, even though I should be in a class. I’d do anything for a chance to fix things with him, even if it meant accepting that he only wanted friendship from me.
“Come in!” he called.
Benji lounged on his bed, leaning against the headboard with his computer on his lap. My eyes automatically went to his wrist. The friendship bracelet was still tied there, where I’d put it the night he slept in my bed. It was a presumptuous move, but he still wore it. That had to be a good sign, right?
“Hey,” I said, smiling sheepishly. “You’re wearing the bracelet. I thought you might throw it away.”
Benji glanced down at it. “Yeah. I was pretty mad, but this means a lot. I’m … not ready to throw that away.”
“Yeah, listen—”
“You listen,” he interrupted. Setting aside his laptop, he stood up and approached me. “You need to be completely honest with me.”
My head bobbed. “Yeah, of course. Completely honest.”
I expected a question about my actions, but he took me by surprise.
“Have you been with a guy before?”
“Uh. No.”
“But you’re really attracted to guys? To me? You weren’t just jerking me around.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” I said. This was difficult to talk about, especially with Benji, who’d come out as gay and known exactly who he was years ago. “I guess I’ve been … curious? For a while?”
“Are you asking?” he said, not willing to cut me a break. “You don’t sound sure.”
I huffed a laugh, ruffling my hair. “Yeah, I’m sure that I’ve been curious.” I glanced at him. “More than curious since seeing you again.”
He didn’t look convinced. “I’m your best friend’s little brother. You’ve always treated me like a kid.”
Clearing my throat, my gaze locked to his lips longingly. “You’re not a kid anymore,” I managed.
He made a thoughtful sound, his eyes running slowly over me. My skin prickled, my heart lurching hopefully. Was there still hope he was into me?
“I owe you an apology,” I blurted before I did something stupid like try to kiss him again.
Every time I tried to kiss him, something went horribly awry. The first time, our skin had barely brushed before he’d jerked away, startled, into the door. The second time, when I’d told him I was his secret admirer, was even worse. He’d pulled away before I could get anywhere as close to his lips as I craved.
Would today be any different? I wasn’t about to go for it without a very clear green light, no matter how much I wanted it to happen.
“Yeah, you do,” he said firmly. But then his tone softened. “But I owe you a thank you.”
I blinked. “For what?”
“That night with Jonas … I was too drunk, and you had my back. Took care of me. Thank you.”
That was a surprise. I’d thought maybe he hadn’t appreciated my interference. “I’ll always have your back. And I’m sorry I deceived you about the secret admirer thing, but I only wanted to see you smile. That’s why I gave you the first gift.”
“The candy you pretended not to know about when you came by my room?”
I winced. “Yeah. I thought if you knew it was from me, you’d just blow it off as meaningless. A pity gift.”
“Wasn’t it?”
“No,” I said firmly. “It wasn’t about pity, it was… Look, I didn’t even understand myself, until the second gift, and the third, that it was a way for me to express how I felt for you. I started doing it for you, but then it was for me. Does that make sense?”
“And later … when I told you I thought it might be Jonas?”
“I should have come clean,” I admitted. “I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you?” He scanned me again. “You’ve always been confident. You’re fucking hot.”
“Umm.” I chuckled, feeling awkward but pleased by his words. “It wasn’t exactly that. I mean, I’m not as confident about … um, you, as I would be a girl.”
“Because you’ve never been with a guy.”
“Right, but that wasn’t why I didn’t tell you. I just … it was complicated, and I wasn’t sure if we should change our relationship.”
Benji moved closer to me. The scent of his shampoo drifted into the air between us. “Because…”
“Jeremy.”
His brother’s name fell between us like a two-ton weight. Benji’s lips twisted. “You don’t think he’d approve?”
“I don’t know,” I said regretfully. “Maybe not. I just know I was supposed to be looking out for you like he would, and instead…” I swallowed hard, forcing out words that made me feel exposed. “I fell for you.”
Benji’s eyes held mine steadily as he stepped even closer until our chests brushed and our breath mingled. I could feel my body responding to his nearness. My breath grew ragged, my skin prickled.