“What about you?” Leo asked after a lengthy silence. “Would you try again?”
It was the worst question, and the best.
Caleb might have lied earlier, when he'd said Leo had been so mature—he definitely hadn't been, but that had always been part of his charm—but he couldn't lie now. Not even a little white lie, to make them both feel better. Like this wasn't all some fucking hopeless, painful exercise in frustration. “I don't know,” he said. “I never thought it was a possibility.”
He hoped Leo wouldn't push any further than that, but because Leo was Leo, he never knew to leave things well enough alone. “Never once?” he asked.
More honesty. Caleb couldn't deny the pain of all the truths roaring through him. “I always wanted to, of course I did. But I wouldn't let myself even think about it. I was pretty sure you'd hate me.”
“Hate and love aren't so different,” Leo said, and his voice was like a caress against Caleb's cheek. A little pleasure to offset all that pain. “But for the record, I don't.”
Caleb had known it. Had seen that things were changing. Evolving. Leo no longer turned away when he walked into a room. He laughed sometimes, when Caleb said something silly. And he'd certainly not kicked him out tonight.
Whether Leo liked it or not, things would keep changing, and keep evolving. One day, Leo would lean in and kiss him and wouldn't declare afterward it was a huge mistake. Caleb could see it coming from a million miles away. Maybe it should've filled him with happiness and hope, but instead all he felt was fear. Fear that his feelings would consume him all over again.
“I just . . .” He finally said. “I'm finally healthy, Leo. I'm finally myself again. I got myself back. I'm not ready to give me away again.”
Leo looked shocked. “You think . . . you think I would make you relapse?”
The truth was hard. Inescapable. “Leo,” he said, “I loved you so much I destroyed myself. Does that sound healthy to you?”
Leo's wide, shocked eyes stared back at him. So blue, even in the darkness. “I don't understand.” He looked away, finally, and maybe it should've hurt less then, but it didn't. Leo's disappointment was too palpable, and it mirrored his own. I came back for you, Caleb wanted to say, but not to win you back. Don't you see?
But Leo wasn't going to see, because Leo could never really, truly understand.
“You said you love me,” Leo argued.
“Of course I love you. I'm never not going to love you. Whether we're together or not, you're it for me.” It had been incredibly foolish to fall into the trap of this conversation. Caleb wasn't sure he'd ever really get over it, but they'd been lugging around all these blinders and maybe it was finally time to take them off. Face facts.
“Right, okay. That makes no fucking sense.” Leo was growing angry and maybe now he might understand why Caleb felt the impotence of useless rage all the fucking time.
“I can't . . . not now. Not when I've just gotten me back.” Caleb sighed, knowing that it still wouldn't help Leo understand. “If you are really willing to give us another chance, I don't intend to fuck it up again. And one of us would right now.” Me, absolutely, Caleb thought, without a doubt.
Leo fell back onto the grass, and he stared up at the sky, like it held all the answers. “I tried to go out and pick up a guy last week. With Benji.”
Caleb had been so incredibly, stupidly wrong. That was pain before—this was . . . something else. It tore at him, jealousy and ugliness and possessiveness for something he didn't have the right to claim.
“And?”
“I couldn't do it. I've never been able to do it. Not since you left.” Leo sounded resentful of this, and Caleb couldn't blame him. Not one bit. But he also couldn't deny the relief that was surging through him. It hadn't happened; Leo was still his.
“Oh.”
“What I'm saying is that I've never been so fucking horny in my life,” Leo said.
It was hell. It was absolutely fucking hell. Because Leo was right there with him. He wanted so much, and he couldn't take anything. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
He chuckled wryly. “I always thought it was so silly how people thought we were so different,” Caleb said. “But we've always been so alike. I couldn't either.”
Leo looked up, somehow surprised by this.
“It felt wrong,” Caleb added with a little shrug.
Nodding, Leo looked away. Like it was too much to stare at each other. Like something might break that absolutely should not break.
“But we can't,” Caleb continued, because he was a masochist who couldn't enjoy anything. A kiss. A little bit of flirtation. Even the way Leo looked in the moonlight. “It doesn't matter how much we want to. It wouldn't fix anything.”
“It would fix all this sexual tension,” Leo said hopefully, and Caleb was desperately, horribly charmed all over again. Even as he fought the growing need to close the distance between them. Kiss Leo, even though he'd sworn he wouldn't do it. Not again. Touch him, even though that was strictly forbidden.
“I have to believe that if it's right between us, if we're right for each other, it'll happen again.”
“It'll just happen?” Leo sounded incredibly skeptical, and Caleb's cock, which was feeling like it might finally get something it really wanted, balked too.
“When it's right, we'll know.” Caleb didn't know where he'd found this sudden zen, but maybe it would work for them. “Patience, Leo.”
“You know I'm the least patient person in the whole world,” Leo said, and god, it was true.
“And I'm shitty at saying no, but we're going to have to figure this out,” Caleb reminded him.
“I guess.” Leo didn't sound convinced.
“You should go in and get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.” Leave now, before I change my mind. Before I realize that I'm being fucking stupid.
Leo stood up slowly, just as Caleb did, and they stared at each other. Caleb knew he was only half a moment away from doing something he couldn't take back—and Leo looked like he wanted him to. Desperately.
“See you tomorrow, Leo,” he said, before either of them broke down.
But just as he was about to turn away, he saw Leo's face out of the corner of his eye, and it wasn't brave or stoic or yearning anymore, it was crumpling under the force of too much emotion. Too much desperate longing.
“I can't, I can't,” Leo choked out, and Caleb lost the fight with himself. He'd turned back and wrapped Leo up tightly before he could even hope to convince himself it was a terrible idea.
“You've got this, we've got this,” Caleb murmured into his hair. “I know it's a lot to take on faith, but you've got to. Trust me, trust us. Please.” He wasn't even sure he believed his own words—if you'd asked him before this moment, he wouldn't have been sure—but somehow asking Leo to believe helped him believe himself.
“Okay,” Leo said softly.
Caleb released him, wishing he could pull him close again. Soak up all the warmth and vitality that Leo had always radiated. “You're good,” he said. “You're good.”