“Maybe I should just . . . wait out here,” Caleb said, still hesitating. He didn't know what he'd do if Leo told him to leave. It wouldn't be pretty, that was for sure.
“Don't be ridiculous,” Benji said, and grabbed his other arm, and between him and Diego, they walked into the room.
The doctor was there, giving an update, and from the intense relief on Leo's face, Caleb knew it must have been good news.
“Thank god,” came from someone's mouth—Caleb thought it must've been Felix, based on the voice, though he still couldn't tear his eyes away from Leo.
“Look who we found hanging around the entrance,” Benji said, pulling him forward as they walked into the room. “He wasn't sure where to go.”
Caleb hadn't even had to say it; Benji had known.
Leo stared at him for a long moment, their gazes meeting, and for a heart-stopping second, Caleb wasn't sure if he was going to cry, or if the crying would be happy or sad.
And then he was across the room in a flash, although the doctor was standing right there, and he was in Caleb's arms, like he'd never left. Caleb held him tight and felt the sobs echoing through Leo's chest.
“Here,” Leo said, “he belongs here.”
It was a hard day, Caleb tried one last time to tell himself, that's all. It's all it is. We don't have any problems.
But it was undeniable. The problems existed, and they needed to fix them before everything went to shit.
##
It was much later in the afternoon—almost evening—when Leo finally had a moment, away from his mom, and away from arranging her living situation when she got out of the hospital.
“Hey,” Caleb said, reaching out and catching Leo's arm, cradling his elbow in his palm. “Hey, let's go get something to eat. You've been drinking coffee all day, but you can't keep doing that. You'll explode.”
Leo laughed, a little shakily, which only emphasized his point. He needed to stop the constant caffeine intake and actually eat something. “I think you might be right,” he said, and it was evidence of how stressed he was that he'd admitted it at all.
“Felix can hold the fort down for a few minutes,” Caleb said and slid his hand down, intertwining his fingers with Leo's. “Let's go get some food and some air.”
Leo was quiet almost the whole walk towards the main hospital building and the cafeteria. “I think I fucked up,” he said in a soft, small voice.
Gripping his hand tighter, Caleb pulled them into a little empty hallway right before they approached the doors to the cafeteria. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Leo shrugged, bitterness flooding his eyes. “I shouldn't have told you not to come and . . . ugh, I think I really fucked up Felix and Max's relationship.”
“Their relationship?” Caleb asked. “You mean their friendship?”
“Yeah,” Leo said. “I . . . I should've told you. I think—no, I know—something is happening with them. Max called me for advice on ‘hooking up with a guy' the second night we were in Fiji. But then when I called Felix this morning, to tell him about Mom, his phone was turned off. I finally called Max, and he said he knew where Felix was, but it wasn't at his house anymore. I think . . . I think I pushed too hard. I pushed them away from each other. And I . . .” Leo glanced up, and his eyes were full of tears again. Tears and regret. “I think I pushed you away too. I just wanted to be supportive so badly, to make sure you got what you needed, what you deserved. I thought it was the right thing to do to push you to stay, but as soon as I left, I knew I shouldn't have done it.”
“I knew as soon as you walked out the door,” Caleb said. “I'm sorry.”
“No,” Leo said, gazing up at him. Love and frustration warred in his eyes. “It's me that's sorry. I just feel like . . .”
“There's too many things we're not saying to each other?” Caleb asked wryly.
“We're happy, we really are, but we're kinda . . .” Leo wrinkled his nose. “Stagnant?”
Caleb took a deep breath. “That's on me. I'm not, I thought I was, but maybe I'm not over things the way I thought I was. I'm the one holding us back. With this insane need to make this music, and then the house thing . . .”
“Yeah,” Leo said, his voice growing harder. “The house thing. What is that about?”
“I don't know how . . .” Caleb choked back a sob. They might be in this hallway, which apparently nobody ever used, but they were still exposed, in public, and the last thing he wanted was to deal with a bunch of rumors they were going to break up, on top of everything else. “I don't know how to move on. To . . . let myself move on.”
Leo stared at him. “You haven't moved on?”
“You forgave me, and that was huge, more than I could've ever expected,” Caleb confessed, “but I'm not sure I ever forgave myself.”
As soon as the words left Caleb's mouth, he knew, deep down, deep in the fiber of his being, that they were true. He hadn't forgiven himself. Not for nearly destroying his own life or for pulling so many others down with him. Instead of really truly enjoying the second chance he'd been given, he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Leo pulled his hands away and that hurt, but at least that ugly truth wasn't still pressing into him, and he wasn't fighting anymore to contain it. “That's what you think? That you haven't forgiven yourself?”
“I thought you were everything I needed.”
Leo partially turned away, and his voice grew even harsher. “Don't be ridiculous, you know that's not true. I . . . even I know that.”
“You're right,” Caleb said wretchedly. “You're right. It is ridiculous.”
“No. No. It's not.” Leo took a deep breath. “It's not at all. You're . . . fuck . . . you've been struggling with this and instead of being the person you could be honest with, I was pushing you to be fine. You don't have to be fine. I'm . . . I'm really fucking sorry.”
Caleb couldn't quite believe it. But the contrition on Leo's face was real and genuine. “You're sorry?”
“I want you to take the time you need. To make music, to buy another house, to do whatever you need. I can't keep being the one pushing. I need to learn to be okay with where we are right now.”
“Even if where we are isn't where we need to be?” Caleb wondered. “Even if you're unhappy where we are?”
“First,” Leo said, reaching out and grabbing his hands, holding them fast, “I'm not unhappy. I don't want you to think that. I think I just got . . . ahead of myself somehow. Ahead of you, maybe. And you didn't want to tell me, because you were afraid. I can't be angry at you for that.”
“Then why did you push me to stay?” Caleb wondered. “That wasn't for you, that was for me.”
Leo smiled, a faint facsimile of his normal brightness. But it existed, and that was all that mattered to Caleb. He hadn't ruined anything. “Silly, it's because it was important to you,” Leo said. “And I want you to be happy.”