“O-Okay, good.” Jaden shot him a wry look. “Is surgery the first thing everyone asks about?”
Henry snorted with bitter amusement. “Yeah. Like they’re only trying to figure out if they’d fuck me, without bothering to ask if I want to fuck them.”
“I wouldn’t even think to ask that yet,” Jaden admitted. “I wasn’t looking for a quick hookup. I wanted to see where this date goes. But I do think you’re super hot,” he added, laughing sheepishly.
Henry blushed and grinned, his heart swelling with pride. “Yeah? So are you. I thought you were super cute in the terminal. I was really hoping you were my date. Thank God you were, or some random dude would be really weirded out.”
Jaden giggled. “So… if dysphoria is a problem, you can tell me what you feel comfortable with. Or just tell me what you want and when you want it. I’m easy to please.” He flicked a shy little smile over at Henry.
Oh, God. He was being so adorable right now. If Henry read him right, he was begging to be on the bottom. “Yeah?” Henry said. “If it gets to that, I’m a top. In case that’s a surprise. A lot of guys are surprised.”
Jaden shook his head. “I don’t know what confuses them. You’ve been radiating big dick energy all day,” he said, laughing.
Henry grinned at him, surprised at the strength of the relief that swept through him. “I hate to brag, but… I love to brag.” Talking about this was so much less awkward than he’d feared.
Jaden giggled. “So, I’m pansexual,” he said, glancing at Henry. “If you know what that is…”
Henry smiled fondly as memories flooded back to him. “Yeah. I’m gay, but I know what pan is. When I learned about it online, they used to call it hearts, not parts.”
“Oh?” Jaden blinked at him. “I don’t really like that phrase. It’s not necessarily about parts for bi people. But people’s gender is never a factor in my crushes, so I say pan instead of bi.”
“Right,” Henry nodded. “I know more about it now, but I’m glad I found that phrase. It helped me a lot back then. Changed my life, even.”
Jaden shifted to grab the bottle of lemonade and top up their glasses. “How so?”
Henry sipped his drink and tried to come up with the right words. “Back when I started transitioning, I thought what a lot of people do: that only pan people date trans people.”
“Oh,” Jaden murmured. “But that can’t be right.”
Henry laughed. “Yeah. It’s bullshit, but that’s where my brain was at. I figured gay guys wouldn’t be into me, and I obviously didn’t want to date straight guys. And I thought bi guys wanted either men or women, and they wouldn’t want someone ‘in-between.’ When you’re just coming out, you’re still wrestling with all kinds of crap the world puts on you. Even back then, I knew I was a man whether or not other people saw me that way. But I didn’t want to get turned down. Even if it was because of their hangups, I was the one who’d have to deal with the fallout.”
Jaden nodded, running his hand gently along Henry’s arm. “Gotcha,” he murmured.
Henry swallowed hard. It hurt to think how many barriers he’d flung up for himself. “Basically, I thought my dating life was over until I’d had surgery. And even then, I was scared. What if surgery went wrong? What if I didn’t end up with something that made people think ah yes, of course that’s a guy? I pretty much thought nobody would ever find me attractive again.”
Ouch. The words had just fallen out without even thinking about them, and his throat was suddenly tight.
“Oh, hon,” Jaden breathed out sympathetically, and the pet name actually felt… good. He said nothing more, just frowned like he was waiting for Henry to continue.
“And then I stumbled on that phrase and the existence of pan people. And I thought… well, for the first time, I had hope. That maybe my parts wouldn’t matter to someone, if I found the right someone. That it was about what was in my heart.”
“Did you?” Jaden asked, his soft voice hard to hear.
“Turns out a lot of people like hearts, not parts—not just pan people. When I finally got up the courage, I ended up dating a gay guy. But he liked my parts, too. Especially that he could choose his own adventure.” Jaden stared blankly at him, so Henry smirked. “Size-wise.”
“Oh. Oh!” Jaden turned an adorable shade of red but he giggled hard. “Oh, my God.”
Henry laughed. “So yeah, you don’t have to be pan—or even bi—to like trans guys. Who knew?” Henry smiled softly. “But the idea that there’d still be someone out there for me… that made all the difference.”
He didn’t often think about those early years, between starting testosterone and top surgery and finally finding a way to get bottom surgery.
“But you broke up?” Jaden continued after a few moments of silence.
“Yeah.” Henry sighed. “We were never really on the same page outside the bedroom. After him, I dated another gay guy for a while. But he was too impatient to wait for me to be…” He grimaced, his chest twisting at the memory. “Done. Complete, he said.”
“With… transition? Medically?” Jaden asked, shaking his head softly. He reached out to touch Henry’s arm. “Sorry. I know I’m being dumb here.”
Jaden was keeping up pretty well, all things considered. Henry smiled slightly at him. He could have said a lot worse. His ex’s words had just played into Henry’s own fears, and reliving that was hard. He was fucking complete all on his own, thanks very much.
“No, it’s fine. Bottom surgery has a couple stages. Until I was all done, I couldn’t get hard.” He tried to speak clinically so he wouldn’t get distracted, but looking at those beautiful pools of brown eyes made him flush with that excited embarrassment. “I couldn’t just, um… fuck him on the spot like he wanted me to.” The sting was still fresh in his chest when he spoke those words. “So he dumped me.” Henry’s voice was more raw than he’d expected.
“Ouch,” Jaden murmured. His eyes were wide and shining with wetness. He pressed into Henry’s side and slid his arms around his waist in a gentle hug. “Jesus. Even if you’re not trans, that would hurt any guy to hear. That must have been awful for you.”
“It was. It made my dysphoria go nuts.” Henry looped his arms around Jaden’s shoulders to hug him for a few moments as his chest flooded with that shame all over again. “It was frustrating for him, sure. But it was so much worse for me. It’s impossible to describe what it’s like when your instincts are screaming at you to do something your body just… won’t allow.”
“Ah, man,” Jaden murmured. “I don’t know what that’s like. But I do in another way. I know how hard it is to fight my brain.”
Henry swallowed hard and nodded. “So… yeah. I’ve come a long way. But in some ways, I’m still kind of afraid that people won’t like my heart or my parts, whether or not they’re pan.” He tried to bring the conversation back around, giving Jaden a breathy laugh.