“I love them,” she admitted, staring down at the flowers since they were safer than looking at Ken at the moment. “They’re gorgeous.”
“Good.” He came over to stand beside her, pushing Marlowe back down to the floor when he got too excited over the tension in the air. “You want some wine?”
“You got wine?” She couldn’t help but look at him now, needing to see his expression so she’d know how to take this.
“Uh, yeah. I thought it might be nice. But it’s fine if you don’t want—”
“I do. Wine would be great.” Her stomach was so twisty that she wasn’t actually in the mood for food or drink, but alcohol might help to ease her nerves, so she thought it was worth a try.
Ken had a bottle of a cabernet ready. Not a cheap bottle either. He poured them both glasses, and they took them to the living room to drink. There were a couple more candles lit on the coffee table.
They sat in silence for a minute with Marlowe as the only distraction. Finally Madeline couldn’t stand the flood of mental questions so she asked, “Is something... going on?”
“No. No. Not really.” Ken still looked relaxed. Sexy. Exactly like himself. But there was still that tension underlying the lines of his broad shoulders and square jaw that spoke to more than he was revealing.
“Then what... what is all this about?” Her eyes were wide. Her voice wobbled slightly.
He opened his mouth and then closed it again.
“Is something wrong, Ken? Because you’re making me nervous. You’re... you’re tense, and that’s not like you at all.”
He blew out a breath, lowering his eyes to Marlowe at his feet before slanting her a quick look. “Sorry. I was trying to be cool about it. Smooth. Failed pretty miserably, didn’t I?”
“Cool about what? Please tell me what’s going on. Because I’m getting scared.”
“I know you are. I was trying for that not to happen. But I’m not any good at this.”
“Good at what?”
“At... at the truth.”
This wasn’t at all what she was expecting, and it slammed into her. “The truth? Have you not told me the truth about something?”
“No, no. Not like that. Not in a bad way. I haven’t lied to you. About anything. I just haven’t... told you everything.”
“What do you need to tell me?” She’d been thinking with the wine and flowers and candles that maybe he was going to do something romantic. It made her nervous, but she also wanted it—really wanted it. She hadn’t realized how much until she’d walked into the house just now.
But this wasn’t what she’d expected. She wasn’t prepared. She didn’t know what was happening, so she wasn’t sure she could handle it.
He opened his mouth. Nothing came out.
“Ken?” she prompted. He was so still—so unlike his normal self—that she reached out to touch his chest gently. It felt like he needed support. “You can tell me. I can’t promise that I’m ready for it, but I’ll do my best.”
He nodded. Looked at a spot over her shoulder. “It’s about... it’s about us.”
“Us?”
“Yeah. I haven’t been entirely honest about it.”
“About what?”
“About what I want. This...” He waved between them. “This isn’t exactly what I want.”
“It’s not?” She could barely recognize her own voice, but the pain in her chest threatened to slice her apart. “You don’t want... me?”
“It’s not that.” His features twisted dramatically. His voice was hoarse. “It’s not that. It’s that I want... more.”
“More than me?”
“More from you.”
“Oh.” The slice of pain lessened slightly. “O...kay.”
“I know you said you didn’t want that. I know you meant that. And I tried... At first I thought I’d be okay with just... just sex. Nothing more. But I’m not. It’s not what I want. I want... everything.”
“Everything?” She felt like a parrot, unable to do anything but repeat word by word.
“Yes. I guess you were right about me from the beginning. I’m not a rebound-sex kind of guy. I’m a marriage and family and lifetime commitment kind of guy.”
Her whole body went cold with fear—the feeling drowning at the shivers of excitement his words were also evoking. “You want to... marry...”
“No!” he burst out. “Oh God, what am I saying? I told you I’m terrible at this. I didn’t mean that. I just meant I’m not really built for this.”
“So... so what do you want?” She was so confused. So upset. She was suddenly on the verge of tears.
“I want things to change. Do you think... do you think you could want that too?”
She cared about him so much, and she could see a desperate kind of urgency to his eyes, even though his expression was mostly composed now. She wanted so much to make him happy, but she was also so terrified that her stomach churned. She felt sick. Had to breathe slowly before she said, “I like how things are between us. I like... who I am right now. With you. I’m so sorry, Ken, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be anyone’s girlfriend.”
He looked away with a brief, tight expression that was almost a wince.
“I’m so sorry. I think I might be ready for... more. But I’m trying to be honest here, and I don’t know if I’m ready for... all that. So are you saying you don’t want to be with me the way we were? You don’t want to do this anymore?” She had to force the words out through the pain in her throat.
His face twisted again. He was clearly just as upset as she was, and it was making everything worse. “I don’t want to do it, if rebound sex is all it is. I’m sorry, Madeline, but I’m trying to be honest too, and I want you to be my girlfriend.”
The final words were like a death knell. Something beautiful had died. She stared at him for a long time. She could hear him breathing heavily. She was too.
Marlowe whimpered in confusion, clearly picking up signs that things weren’t right.
Nothing was right.
Everything was terrible.
Madeline had been thinking she was ready to move on to the next step with him, but now it had taken on the weight of being a girlfriend.
And she couldn’t commit to that. Not after Josh. Not after she’d spent so long trying and failing to make a relationship work.
She couldn’t stand to live through that with Ken.
He was waiting for her answer. He was uptight. Upset. One of his hands was clenched on the couch beside him.
She needed to give him an answer. The only answer she had in her to give right now.
“I’m... I’m not ready. For all that.” Her eyes started to burn. “I’m sorry.”
He gave a jerky nod. “Okay. I understand. I knew you weren’t in the same place. But I hoped...” He brushed the words off with a shake of his head. “I just wanted to be honest.”
“I’m glad you were.” She was about to cry and didn’t want to do it in front of him. She leaned over and kissed the side of his mouth. “I’m sorry we’re in different places. I had such a good time with you.”