“I can understand that. There was never anything I wanted more than for you to understand that about me. At the same time, I thought you knew how much family meant to me.” Her little huff does little to help the situation.
“Your family consists of this, Cord. If you hadn’t found me, you would have never known about her.” Throwing her hands out to the sides to make her point, I take a step closer to her.
“Everything in my life revolves around family. If I’ve learned anything being who I am in the position I am in, it’s that family is the most important thing in the world. I understand your frustration right now, Ava. I do.” Her face reddens. She shakes her head rapidly, before moving toward me. Her hands land on my chest before I grip her wrists. This could turn bad, fast.
“You don’t understand, Cord. I never had that. I never had that family. She is all I have, and she’s gone. It’s my fault she’s gone!” Hot tears sprinkle down her cheeks.
“You hate me. I can see it in your eyes.” It’s there plain as day. She hates me and she blames herself for ever being with me.
“I don’t know what I feel anymore.” I let my hands fall to my sides. I lean in and press a kiss to her head.
“I know this is hard. I’m doing all I can to find her. You can hate me with everything you have in you. I will take that hatred. Just know that I do love you more than I should, more than I should allow myself. I’ll stay in the other room.” Pressing one last kiss to her head, I turn and walk away from her. Her emotions are all over the place. She doesn’t know what she wants or needs right now. I can’t make things okay for her.
“Watch her while she’s out there.” Defeat laces my voice as I walk past Jordy.
He nods his head as I make my way up the stairs. Stopping at Amelia’s door, I push it open and walk in. Everything is as she left it that day. I’ve touched nothing in five years. Every little frilly blanket still lines the bed. I grab her favorite bunny and hold it in my hands before dropping onto her bed.
“If I could change the past I would. I would have loved you the right way. I would have made you see that you meant the world to me. Now I only have a piece of you left. A piece I can’t even touch or hold. I’m so sorry, Amelia.” I lay on her pillow, curled into myself. So many what ifs that I cannot change. So many wrongs that I can never right, but the one thing I can do, is find Amee. I can fix the broken heart that Ava has.
I can make her partially whole again.
Chapter 44
I didn’t sleep last night. I heard Ava come in, but I couldn’t force myself to go into that room. She spoke her peace. I didn’t like it, but I heard it.
“I’m taking the first flight to Italy.” My head snaps up from the papers I was going over.
“Why? Is there news?” Nikolai shakes his head before sitting in the chair in front of me.
“No, but I want to work with Luciano’s men over there. If she’s there, there has to be a connection.” I have to agree. There has to be a connection somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet.
“Is it wise of you to go right now?” He tilts his head slightly as he takes me in. He knows I’m wearing thin. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.
“I think the faster we get a handle on this, the better. The Russians have backed off after the massacre. They aren’t a threat at the moment. The lingering Gambino’s have yet to be heard from.” I scrub my hand across my face as I listen to him.
“I agree. Take Malcom. I want Romero here on Ava.” He pushes out of his chair.
“I’ll be in contact.” He walks out of the office before I pour a drink.
“What can I do? Ava’s in her room.” Jordy stands in front of my desk. I take down two glasses full of bourbon before looking up at him.
“I don’t know, Jordy. I don’t know what’s left to do. Nikolai is going to Italy.” Another drink goes into the glass.
“That’s good. Maybe his presence will put pressure on them.” Swallowing the next glass full, I throw it across the room, watching it shatter against the wall.
“I should be there. I should be doing something!” Tugging at my hair, I need some kind of release. I’m losing my sanity.
“You are doing the best you can. I can understand your position, though. It’s hard to sit back and wait. What are your plans, Cord? This isn’t a life to build your family in. They will be in constant danger.” Does he think I don’t know that? I know that firsthand.
“I agree. This isn’t the lifestyle to have a family in. Look at Amelia. I knew it from day one. I shouldn’t have brought her in. She would still be alive if I hadn’t. I refuse to drag Amee into this.” He nods his head with understanding.
“So what are you going to do? You only have two choices here.” That’s what he thinks. I have three choices, and I know each and every one of them all too well.
“I don’t know. I can wait for the inevitable. I can leave my place and make it work with Ava, or I can go down in the fight.” I shove out of my chair before walking past him.
I need to think long and hard about this. The world keeps spinning. Around and around. When will it stop? When will the end of it come? I used to think that holding all the power in my hands was perfect. I was at the top of the world. Anything my heart desired was within reach. I used that to my advantage too. I took what I wanted, when I wanted it. I didn’t care who it hurt.
The more I thought of Ava while she was gone, the worse my heart was ripped open. So many senseless deaths. So many people lost to the way of our world. Our world is a hell within this earth. Emotions that were long buried have now resurfaced, and they do little more than confuse the fuck out of me. Family is all I had for a long time. My uncle made sure that I felt at peace with that. When he died, I lost that feeling. It disappeared.
I thought if I threw myself back into the darkness that is my hell, that I would be fine. I’d go back to who I was meant to be, but now I wonder who that is. Is it me, Cordae Vitale? Is this who I’m still supposed to be? So much has changed in such a short amount of time. I’ve lost pieces of myself. I’ve gained a piece too with Amee, even though I haven’t met her yet. She’s still a part of me. She’s a part of us. I wonder what will happen when we do find her. Will Ava take her and run again? Keep me from her?
I can’t say that I’d blame her if she did. I know the choices I make now affect them both. Everyone knows that I have her back. I head into the hallway. Walking toward Amelia’s room, it’s my new go to spot. When I reach for the door handle, I hear Ava’s cries. I want nothing more than to hold her, keep her safe in my arms. Against my better judgement, I go in to find her curled in a ball in the middle of the bed.
My heart breaks further seeing her this way. I can’t fix it or take the pain away. Stalking toward the bed, I lay down behind her, pulling her against me before she rolls over. She buries her face in my chest as she sobs. I can’t do anything more, except run my hand up and down her back. This is the best I can do for her right now. There is nothing else in me.
Chapter 45