It’s easy to picture a future where I’m her stepdad. In fact, I would love that. But I still think I’d also want to adopt or at least foster.
Growing up, I always had foster brothers and sisters, and I know how difficult it can be for kids in the system. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a father to a kid, or a couple of kids, in desperate need. But where does Ev fit into those plans? Does he even want to fit?
I take a sip of my coffee, picking up the pen laying on top of the application and tapping the end of it against the table. It’s way too early to be thinking about all of this as far as Ev goes, but where does that leave me?
My phone vibrates, and I pull it out of my pocket to find another text.
Everett: Sorry again about our unexpected interruption. I swear it won’t happen again. I know things are a little messy since you’re her teacher and everything, but I think that’s even more reason to try to keep as much of a separation as possible for the time being.
My heart sinks at the text. I get it, I really do. He’s a single father who wants to make sure his daughter doesn’t get attached when we have no idea if this will work out or not. But I can’t help feeling the slightest bit rejected that he wants to put up a wall around our budding relationship to keep it from the rest of his life.
I sip my coffee and type out a quick response.
Watson: No worries. Now about that SECOND date…
Focusing on the positive seems like a much better strategy at this stage than fretting over my hurt feelings. It’s early; in a few months he might feel entirely differently. I look at the unfinished application again. I can wait a few more months before I make any big decisions. I set the pen down and pick up the application so I can use a magnet to pin it to the refrigerator for safe keeping.
By the time I sit back down, a new text is waiting for me.
Everett: I have Livi this week, but I was thinking once she’s back with her mom, we could try good old-fashioned dinner and a movie? I heard the AMC has one of those special event showings of the Broadway production of Wicked.
Watson: You’re talking my language. That sounds great
Everett: Great, I can’t wait!
His enthusiasm and the thought he put into our next date eases some of the worry niggling at the back of my mind. He’s not trying to be distant or hold me at arm’s length like the other guys I’ve dated. He’s just being cautious, and that’s smart on his part.
Everett
I set my phone back down on the counter and flip the pancake now bubbling in the pan on the stove. Val should be swinging by any second to pick up Livi, but she’s always hungry and crabby after an overnight shift, so I figured if I have pancakes ready for her when she stops by, it might cheer her up.
“Liv, come set the table for me,” I call out.
“I’m watching Moana,” she shouts back.
“I didn’t ask what you were watching, I asked you to set the table.”
She groans and a few seconds later stomps into the kitchen to set the table like I asked. I glance at her over my shoulder, and the flowers Watson brought me last night catch my eye, making my heart beat a little faster and my lips curve up in a smile. It’s a shame he’s not the one I’m making breakfast for this morning.
As I’m flipping the last pancake onto a plate, the doorbell rings.
“That should be your mom,” I say, and Livi runs to answer the door.
“Mmm, something smells good,” Val says, entering the kitchen, led by Livi, a few moments later.
“I made breakfast, have a seat.”
“Oh my god, you’re the best. Can I have your babies?” she jokes, and I grin, even as guilt twists in my gut. Instead of sitting down, she comes around the counter to get a coffee mug out of the cabinet and helps herself to the fresh pot. “Since when do you have flowers around the kitchen?” she asks, both of our eyes drifting to the wine glasses still sitting in the sink as well. “Oh shit, I really did interrupt a date last night, didn’t I?”
I glance at Livi, who’s luckily too engrossed in the Nintendo Switch she isn’t supposed to have at the table to pay any attention to our conversation.
“I told you it was no big deal,” I lie.
“But since when are you dating?” she asks. “Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s great. I’m just shocked.”
She’s giving me the perfect opening to blurt out the truth. I can tell her now and get it off my chest once and for all. I dart another look at Livi, and my throat closes around the words I’m itching to get out.
“It’s new, let’s not make a big deal out of it.”
“Okay,” Val says, shrugging. “I’m happy for you, I mean it. I can’t wait to meet the lucky lady as soon as you’re ready.” She smiles at me, but I’ve known her for more than half my life, and I know what it looks like when she’s forcing a smile.
I’m gay, I prompt my mouth to form the words, but it stubbornly refuses to cooperate while my heart makes a valiant attempt to beat straight through my ribcage. It’s not a lucky lady, I throw at her mentally, which would be a hell of a lot more useful if she was telepathic. For the love of god, I like men.
“Are you okay? Your eyes are bulging out of your head.”
“I’m fine,” I mutter. Then, I clear my throat and try again. “Listen, Val…” She cocks her head and waits quietly for me to finish my sentence, and the longer the silence hangs between us, the more I start to panic. “I only have that lite maple syrup you hate.”
You fucking pathetic coward.
She laughs and looks at me like I’m crazy. “That’s fine. Beggars can’t be choosers.”
“Right,” I agree with a weak chuckle in return. “Livi, no video games at the table. Put that away and come grab a plate.”
The three of us sit down at the table to eat together, and while I dig into my breakfast, I can’t help thinking about how different things would’ve been if Val hadn’t gotten fed up and slept with someone else. Would I have ever worked up the guts to tell her the truth and leave? So far, all signs point to a big fat no. Watson asked me if I was bi, and the truth is I’ve spent years wishing I was. If I was bi, I could’ve loved Val the way I was supposed to, and the three of us could be a happy little family right now. Livi wasn’t exactly planned—Val wasn’t sure if she wanted kids at all when we found out she was pregnant. But I wonder if things would have gone differently if Val wanted a couple more after we both discovered the joy of parenthood. It’s easy to imagine an alternate reality where breakfast together isn’t an anomaly, where there’s a little brother for Livi and the four of us are just enjoying a weekend breakfast together as a matter of routine. Part of me is jealous of that alternate reality Ev, but part of me pities him too because he’s never had a kiss like the one I shared with Watson on Halloween.
Maybe when I manage to come out to her, I should also thank her for cheating. If she hadn’t, I wouldn’t have the chance at real happiness now.
I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I know we’ve only had one date, but it feels like the start of something real.
After we’re finished eating, I see them out and then clean up the kitchen. I’m in the process of deciding what to do with myself for the rest of the day when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I reach for it in a hurry, hoping it’s Watson calling, even though I don’t expect it to be.