“I don’t want to do this.”
“You think you love her, you do what’s best by her always. You don’t, I will.” He hangs up.
“Fuck!” I yell as I throw my phone across the room and watch it bounce off the wall.
I look back, and she’s at the door, looking a mess, as she waits expectantly yet still somewhat patiently.
“It’s not normal for people to act like this, Truth,” I tell her as calmly as I possibly can at present time.
“It’s not normal to feel like this, either.” She rubs her sleeve under her nose.
“I’m gonna talk, you’re gonna listen, and then you’re gonna leave with your father, and you’re going to process this shit and let me do the same.”
“That’s not how normal people deal with things, Tobias,” she sneers.
“We don’t get normal once I open this up to you. We get shit, Truth. We get ugly, we get nasty, we get doubt, and then we more than likely get done. So, come out here and sit your ass down and listen.”
She turns and walks into my room, and I watch her climb onto my bed and sit her ass in the middle of it.
“Do you ever just listen?”
“Not anymore,” she says, crossing her arms stubbornly.
It’s not easy telling her all the shit that I never wanted to taint her, but I do it. When she cries, I feel worse. When she lies down and hugs my pillow then reaches out and links her pinky with mine, I tell her the shit I didn’t tell her dad—all of it. The truth.
I tell her that I can never forgive myself for sending him money, because I’d do it a hundred times over so her mom didn’t have to see him—my fucking father—again.
I tell her that I can’t wait to get out of here, because I’m not much better than a stripper and a pig who not only abused women but exploited them, because the shit I’m doing to survive isn’t all that legal either, and I need a fresh start.
And I tell her I’m not sure what love is, but what I feel for her is the closest thing to it that I’ve ever felt, and that, because of all the other stuff, I can’t be what she deserves, that I can’t see myself ever fucking her, let alone making love to her, no matter how much I want to, because the father I wished I never had known tried to sell her mom’s virginity to benefit himself.
She sits up then and tells me that she’ll never accept any of it, that she’ll wait as long as it takes.
“No,” I tell her.
Then she looks at me and says, “Fine. I’ll get rid of it then.” She grabs her phone. “What’s Harrison’s number?”
Hits me real quick what she’s saying.
“Over my dead fucking body.”
“Then Miles?”
“Cut the shit, Truth.”
“Kai then?”
“You’re doing this to piss me off.”
“And you’re crushing me! I’d rather choose you a hundred times over, but I’ll gladly remedy the situation, be with someone who I know I’ll never love, just lay there and take it to get rid of my damn virginity, because I have a choice—you. But apparently, you think that’s what matters—taking my virginity? Seriously, there’s really no such thing as busting a cherry anyway. False news, big guy; it stretches with intercourse, maybe it tears the first time, but it’s not that big of a deal unless you make it that way.”
She starts to slide off the bed, and I grab her, pulling her pajama top and holding her in place like our lives depend on it. “I’m being real with you.”
“You think this is a joke to me? I’m not joking. You’re so worried about that thin membrane in my vag? Well, I’m more worried about our hearts, Tobias, and I’m telling you mine hurts! So, let me go fuck some rando, and I’ll get back to you so you can see how senseless it is to be feeling like we have been for months now—”
“Try five months and tell me how badly it hurts!”
“If that’s what you need, fine!” she says, pulling away again.
“Less than three months and I’m gone, Truth. Do you get that?”
“Yeah.” She sniffs and yanks away. “I get that we’re wasting time.”
“And what if it’s just a phase?” The words bring realization that I’m terrified it is for her.
“Well, we’ll never know, will we?”
“Goddammit, Truth!” I say as she walks out my bedroom door. “I don’t know how to make this go away!”
She turns back and looks at me. “You’ve fought for everything your whole life, and you’re still not happy.”
“No shit. And you don’t deserve that kind of life, Truth.”
“Fight for me then. Fight for you. Then fight for us, if that’s what you want. Until then, you’re hurting both of us, and me the most, because I’ve never fought so hard for anything in my life, and guess what? I can’t seem to win.”
She walks toward the door, and I jump off the bed. “Your parents are coming to get you.”
She doesn’t stop.
I quickly move to her and grab her hand. “You can’t drive like this.”
She turns and looks up at me. “And I can’t stay where I’m not wanted, Tobias. It hurts.”
Without thinking, I pull her into a hug. Without caring, I lift her, walk to the couch, sit down, and hold her like a treasure.
“It’s not about sex, Tobias; it’s about love, friendship, and loyalty.”
“If I were your friend, I’d tell you to run.”
“And if I were yours, I wouldn’t let you until you were ready.”
“Never been more ready in my life, yet here I sit.”
“Then ask yourself why. And don’t say less than three months, Tobias. Don’t you dare.” She grasps my shirt and looks up at me. “I’m not gonna be okay until I know you are. And you’re not gonna be okay until you let someone in. If it can’t be me, then let it be someone.”
I huff.
“I get you haven’t had that, but—”
“I don’t trust anyone, Truth.”
She pushes off my chest and slides back, ass on my couch, legs bridging my lap. She takes my hand, one then the other, and links our fingers, studying them intently. Then she closes her eyes and holds them to her heart. Bowing her head, she slides her lips across our linked fingers, mouth closed, one hand then the other. “I think you should open up to the idea of letting someone in,” she finally whispers.
“And risk hurting you worse?”
She shakes her head. “I think it should be my mom.”
“Are you fucking insane?”
She looks away from our hands and up at me. “I don’t know anymore, but I know she may be the only one who can make you see—”
“My father tried to—” I snap my mouth shut.
“He’s not your father, Tobias. And if she can accept us, then—”
“She will never.” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t ever expect her to. I’d certainly never ask. No, Truth, not happening.”
When she looks down at our hands and a slight smile ghosts her lips, I realize I’m rubbing my thumb across the back of her hand. I want to stop, but I can’t.