My insides start to crawl. I don’t know why I feel a little betrayed with his words. I hadn’t said it was a private thing—but it felt like it was, and it felt like he knew that.
“What’d you call it?” His gaze is set on me—like it has been half the night. At least he’s talking.
I sit up in my chair, so that my back doesn’t press into the woven vinyl anymore, and the smoke from the fire moves until it’s sails my way. I know Finn hasn’t forgotten, but he waits for me to speak. “If I,” I say, and a few more heads turn to listen.
“How do you play?” James shifts in his chair so that we’re almost facing.
And it’s funny because I can stare at James and look right through him to Finn, though I’m not sure that either of them realize it. I clear my throat and meet the few eyes focused on me—Dominic, Ursula, James, a few others, and, of course, Finn. “You just make a statement,” I say more simply and much less intimately than I did at the shop. “It has to start with If I and then you finish the sentence.”
James’s forehead wrinkles. “How do you win?”
I breathe out a small laugh. “It’s not really a winning game—it’s more of an honesty game. Who can dare to be the most truthful with the group?”
“Ooo,” Ursula squeaks, “fun.”
A few more eyes watch us and a few more bodies gather round.
“You start, Esther.” Ursula waves at me, then drops her hand to Dominic’s knee.
I look away from the two of them, my stomach knotting, but I find myself eye to eye with Finn. I swallow, remembering what I said to him this morning about if I still had my brother. “Sure. Umm,” I rub my hands over my bare kneecaps. “If I won a million dollars, I wouldn’t tell a single soul.”
Finn’s mouth tweaks as if he’d like to smile.
James tilts his head. “Huh, really?”
A giggle bubbles from Ursula’s lips. “My turn!” She brushes her long hair off her shoulders. “If I could live on a beach and wear a bikini every day of my life, I would.”
The chattering noises around us have stopped, everyone listens. I’m glad my turn is over and done. I don’t need all these stranger’s eyes on me.
Dominic’s beaming when Ursula bumps him with her shoulder. “You go, Dom.”
“Okay.” He scratches his head, thinking. “If I had to choose between riches and super powers—I’d totally choose power.”
“If I!” James shouts, in the spirit of the game now. He rubs his hands together and scans the group. “If I could rob a bank and get away with it…” his brows bounce, “I still wouldn’t do it.”
The group laughs and even I smirk, cracking a grin at the comment.
James thumps Finn on the leg. “You’re up, bro.”
Finn sits up a little straighter and the air around us seems too thin, even for me. He hunches forward a little, his arms resting on his quads and his hands clasped together. He stares at me so pointedly that my skin starts to burn, and it has nothing to do with how close I am to the fire. It’s so quiet with everyone waiting—and Finn just staring. A few others look my way, no doubt trying to see whatever he’s seeing.
“If I weren’t sick ,” he says and somehow the quiet space hushes even more as if everyone holds their breath, “I wouldn’t hesitate to tell the girl I spend every hour thinking about that I like her.”
Finn’s eyes are so intense, it’s impossible to look away—while everyone else’s are like heat lamps pointed over every inch of my body. I feel every one of their stares. Somehow, I manage to stand. I think I mutter the words, “I have to go.” But I’m not really sure. They might only be in my head.
I’m through the house when I hear him. “Esther,” Finn calls. But I keep going. I reach my car door when I hear the patter of his feet. He’s running—he shouldn’t be running. This day, and the smoke, and now running.
I whirl around. “What is wrong with you?” I yell—making certain I’m not just thinking the words.
“Why’d you come here tonight?” His face is hard, like he’s the one who deserves to be angry, like he is the one who was just humiliated. “You said you’d never come here again.”
I run a nervous hand over my hair and open my car door.
“Essie,” he pleads, the hard visage falling to pieces.
“Because!” I turn around to face him, but stare at the blue on his shirt where his heart lies beneath. Did he say he liked me? “Because I wanted to tell you that I’m praying for you—for you to get a heart. For you to be okay.” It’s not the reason, but it’s true.
He steps closer, laying a hand on my collar bone. The touch pulses through my body and I look up to meet his eyes. “Don’t do that,” he says, his tone soft.
My brows pinch together. I don’t understand Finn Matthews one bit. I know he has dreams and desires, and I know more than anything he’d like to be healed. “Why not? You aren’t praying every day?” I inch closer and as if it has its own mind, my hand reaches out to his chest.
He holds my hand there—one hand on my collar, one strapped over my fingers pressed to his heart. “I can’t pray for someone else to die so that I can live.”
He leans closer, his nearness warming my every limb.
But I can’t kiss him when he’s talking about dying, when he’s telling me he can’t live without someone else’s death. I just can’t. “Get in the car,” I say and he stops, his face inches from mine.
His heart has sped up as we’ve spoken, as we’ve inched closer to one another. I drop my hand and climb into the driver’s seat. He looks back at Dominic’s for only a second before rounding the car and getting in beside me.
I drive, not even sure where I’m going until we’re parked in front of The Bookcase, right in front of our tree, showcased in the lit window.
“Really? Home? You brought me home?” He sighs, a little annoyed.
But at least it’s a different topic. I get out of the car and I’m at his door before he has one leg outside. I take him by the hand and pull him along, his face softening with my touch. “Will you watch the fireworks with me?”
He nods.
“I have to go back to Rod’s house. I promised Harmony.”
“Then why—” He looks up at the tree in the window.
I shrug and nibble on the inside of my cheek. I have ten minutes before I need to be there.
I’m going to be late.
I turn away from the window and face Finn, snaking my arms up around his neck. The cool night air warms as he closes the gap between us, his arms wrapping around my middle. His heart thumps against mine and I try to compare the difference in our rhythms—but mine beats so fast in this moment that it’s hard to tell whose is whose.
His lips reach mine, soft and gentle like a pillow, and I try to stop mine from expressing the urgency they feel. Despite my fears and his, despite that my subconscious brought Finn here—not because its where we built this tree together—but because his oxygen tank is just yards away—despite all that, we seem to fit perfectly. It’s like my lips were made for his and all of the worries and fears that clouded my head are rushed away by this ray of sunshine that is Finn’s lips. They are warmth and comfort and love.