And a selfish desire wants to claim them as mine.
He pulls just an inch away, separating our lips that should never be parted, and grins. My breath is haggard—maybe more than his.
And though I am elated—possibly floating—I wonder if he’s okay. But how can I ask that in this moment?
“I didn’t die.”
I don’t even realize I’m standing on tiptoes until he speaks and I fall back to my heels. “You were expecting to?”
He lifts one shoulder. “Kind of.” His hand slides up to my neck, his kiss reaching for me again, but his words have shaken me awake.
“Harmony,” I say, slipping my hand into his. “let’s go.”
We stand on Rodrick’s massive back porch, our hands on the railing as we watch the sky light up with fireworks. It is glorious and somewhat romantic except that Harmony clings to my back and Angelo sits on the ground between us. Summer and Rodrick are close too—probably making sure Finn and I aren’t too close.
Angelo leans on Finn’s leg and a low snore rises up from where he sits on the floor of the porch. Rodrick sighs out a laugh. “I got him,” he says, picking the sleeping boy up and carrying him off.
Finn slides a little closer to me. The last few sparks light up the big Wyoming sky and I am washed over with contentment.
“Shows over. Bedtime, baby girl.” Summer peels Harmony from my back and cradles her almost three-year-old daughter like she does Brayden.
In a strange way, with my family and Finn, this night feels kind of perfect.
Until suddenly it’s not.
“Finn?” I reach a hand out to his arm. His lips have gone a bluish purple and his breath is short and loud. Before I can ask him what he needs or if I can take him home, he’s on the ground.
21
Rodrick and I follow the ambulance to the hospital.
I’m mumbling—I can’t seem to stop, but my words are indiscernible. We rush into the hospital, but we can’t follow Finn through the inner double doors. Marley and Danny burst in through the entrance. Rodrick wraps one arm around my shoulders and we meet them halfway to the waiting area.
Danny talks to the woman at the reception desk while Marley walks with us to the couches in the waiting area. None of us sit though. If Uncle Rodrick weren’t there with his arm around me, I might have collapsed.
“I’m so sorry,” I say to Marley. “I don’t know what happened.”
I’ve never seen Marley’s face so serious, but she reaches out a hand and caresses my cheek. “Tell us what you know?”
I shake my head. “We were just standing there, on the porch, after the fireworks. His lips looked kind of blue.”
She nods—like she understands this, though I don’t and I was there.
“And then he went down. I didn’t know what was happening.”
She breathes in a deep breath.
And then, Danny is beside us. “They’ll let us know when they have something.”
“Obstructed blood flow,” Marley says as if she were the doctor.
Danny nods. “Most likely. They’re just checking him out, making sure the fall didn’t hurt his head. X-rays, blood tests, the regular.” He speaks so calmly and rubs Marley’s back. “You guys should go. It’s really late.”
Rodrick looks at me and what can I do? I have no idea what to do. I’m just a girl who kissed a boy. I’m not family, I’m not even his girlfriend. I nod—agreeing, even though leaving is the last thing I want to do. “Text me. Let me know how he is.”
“We will.” Marley hugs me goodbye, and her squeeze isn’t quite as tight as normal. It floods me with guilt. I pushed him too hard tonight. I practically forced him to kiss me.
Rodrick and I walk through the white hallway of the hospital and out the emergency room doors together—we’re silent. I’m afraid to speak. I don’t know that I’ll be able to get one word out without sobbing. I’ve been strong, taking care of myself. And now that I’ve decided to let Rodrick’s family in, it’s made me weak.
We sit in Rodrick’s car. It’s close to midnight and I just want to crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep—all alone. But Rodrick cover’s my hand with his, his hooded eyes slanted in sorrow. “Are you okay, Esther?”
It’s all my fragile state needs. My throat aches with trying to keep my cries inside, and when I try to answer Rodrick, only a blubber of noises escapes my mouth before I’m reduced to fits of crying.
Rodrick pats my hand. “It’ll be okay.”
I wipe at my eyes and nose. My head hurts and I don’t see how anything is going to be okay. “I lose everyone.” I hiccup with the sob that comes and the words I never meant to say.
“No, no you don’t.”
I pull in my lips, trying to stop the cries. How can he say that? He knows that I do.
“I’m not saying you don’t know loss. That would be wrong of me. Because you do, more than any young girl should. But you have me and Summer and the kids. You have your friends back home.” I bite my lip at the mention of Cytha and he quickly moves on. “And Finn is not going to die. Your friend will be okay. Many people live long lives with cardiomyopathy.”
That’s true. Sounds like Rodrick googled it, just like me. “Finn’s different,” I say, finding some control of my voice. “He had cancer as a kid. The treatment weakened his heart and gave him this disease. Marley says if he doesn’t get a heart—” the tears well in my eyes again.
“Esther, your friend is strong.”
A whimpering sob falls from my lips. “I kissed him. I think…” I don’t know what I think—except that somehow this was my fault. “I think it—”
Rodrick dips his head to see me better, looking at me through a row of short lashes. “You didn’t do this. His mom knew what was happening just by hearing what you said. This has happened before. He was sick before you got here.”
I nod, but I don’t believe him. If I hadn’t kissed Finn, if I had left him alone with his friends, would this have happened?
The drive home is short—Summer’s awake and ready for news with our arrival. “Go to bed,” Rodrick tells me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. He’ll stay awake and tell Summer what happened, no doubt. I’m just so thankful I don’t have to.
I’m shaken and kind of a mess. My bed calls to me like a drug. I peel off my clothes and put on some sweats before climbing into bed and closing my eyes. Sleep can’t come quick enough.
Somehow it does come quick, but my dreams won’t give me any peace. The fire is gone—I fulfilled that dream tonight. But its already replaced with a brand new vision.
The Pavilion again—but not from the inside this time. I wouldn’t have recognized it from the outside view had I not been there in person. From the outside and ground level, you can’t really tell it’s a circle. There’s a crowd of people and I stand amongst them, but I can’t see their faces. There’s music and it’s loud—country—not really my thing, but I’m there with all the others. But more than the music, the people, and The Pavilion, I am so aware of the person standing next to me. He’s so close and I can feel his body heat. The smell of the outdoors is strong—like the grass has been freshly cut. It appeals to me in this strange way. I can feel my body, my senses enhanced, loving the smell of that grass.