She wanted to be angry. She wanted to shout at him and tell him how he’d broken her heart. But looking at him now, he wasn’t the same Owen she’d always known. Something was definitely wrong with him and she needed to know what it was.
He sat next to her on the sofa, not close.
“I hurt you,” he said. “Let’s talk about that first.”
She shook her head. “No, you tell me what’s going on with you.”
He shook his head. “My guess is you’ve had a big speech built up in your head awhile now, and you want to let me have it. I deserve it.”
He was right about that, but just seeing him made her anger dissipate. How could she scream at someone who was so obviously ill?
“I’ll save the histrionics for later. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
He blew out a breath. “Fine. So, I’m sick.”
Her stomach clenched. “Define sick.”
“I have cancer.”
Oh, God. Her heart started drumming that fast rhythm again. “Cancer.”
“Yeah. Hodgkin’s lymphoma.”
“Okay, I don’t know anything about that.”
“It’s a cancer in the lymph nodes. But totally treatable, so I’m gonna be fine.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better.” The pieces started to fall together. “You knew. Before the wedding.”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have faced it together.”
“Come on, Erin. I didn’t want you to have to deal with that.”
Now she was angry. “Oh, you think I only wanted to marry a healthy guy? The ‘in sickness’ part of ‘in sickness and in health’ didn’t mean anything? How little do you think of me?”
He shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. I didn’t want to burden you with what might come down the road.”
At her look, he raised his hands. “I know, I know. In retrospect, I realized I should have told you. I should have told everyone. But I didn’t. I didn’t understand what was going to happen. I had just gotten the initial diagnosis. I panicked. I didn’t even tell my parents. My friends. Anyone. You. I thought we couldn’t start our lives together like that.”
“So, what? You went through all this alone?”
Owen was always a happy, upbeat guy. But the look of utter defeat he gave her made her heart crumble. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you confide in anyone? At least your parents?”
“I didn’t want to worry them. Not until I knew more. I figured I could maybe get through this without anyone knowing.”
She stood and started to pace. “Are you kidding me? Cancer is not something you just ‘get through’ by yourself, Owen. You need a support system. You need people around you who care about you, to help care for you.”
“I’ve kind of figured that out now.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t have my shit together before. I told you I panicked. And while you thought I bailed and left to go on our honeymoon, I was getting treatment. I kind of lied to you in that shitty e-mail I sent you.”
Which made her even angrier at him. “I could have been with you. You do realize we could have canceled the wedding. Hell, I did cancel the wedding. The only difference was that you dumped me and decided to go through all this without me. And why? Because you didn’t love me enough. You didn’t trust me enough to see it through with you.”
He picked up the glass of water on the table and took a long swallow, then set it down. “We hadn’t been talking much. Your head was filled with wedding things. You were so happy. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t sure about us.”
Now the truth was coming out, and she couldn’t deny how much that hurt. “You weren’t sure about us? About how you felt about me, you mean.”
“Yeah. I mean, no. I don’t know how to explain it.”
After all this time, all her reflection about the two of them, she knew exactly what he meant. “You don’t have to. But why didn’t you talk to me, tell me how you felt?”
“I wanted you to be happy.”
“At the expense of your own happiness? A marriage doesn’t work if only one person is happy, Owen. You have to know that.”
“Yeah, I know. But I was just so damn tired all the time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me yet. I just felt like I was walking around in some kind of fog. I didn’t have it in me to have that conversation with you, knowing what would follow.” He managed a smile. “You’re kind of a force to be reckoned with, Erin Bellini.”
She blew out a breath of frustration. “I would have been pissed. I was pissed. But we’d have gotten through it. I wish we could have talked about it. I wish I’d known about your diagnosis. I wish I could have been there for you, even if we weren’t together.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Are you going to be okay?”
He nodded. “The doctors say my prognosis is really good. It’s stage one, only one lymph-node area. They caught it early.”
Despite her terror, a measure of relief fell over her. He’d beat this. Owen was young and strong.
“Did you tell your parents? Please tell me you have a support system.”
“I did tell them, finally. And yeah, they’re going to help me.”
“That’s good.”
“They were really pissed at me about not telling them. And for not being honest with you about everything.”
Her lips curved. “That’s good, too.”
“I’m glad you came over. I’ve been anticipating and dreading this conversation for a long time.”
Despite his illness, part of her was kind of glad he’d been uncomfortable about talking to her. She knew it was petty, but there it was. “Same.”
“I still feel like I owe you a lot in the way of explanation.”
“You don’t have to give it all today. But I think we both know where we stand. How we both felt. It took me a while to figure things out after . . . well, after that e-mail. At first, I was devastated, and then angry as hell with you. But then I had a lot of time to think, to come to some conclusions. I was blind to how I felt because I was so caught up in the wedding planning that I wasn’t seeing our relationship for what it was. Or what it wasn’t.”
“So you realized it, too. I thought it was just the illness making me question everything. But you felt it, too?”
She nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I was so caught up. Stupid of me.”
“No, it wasn’t. And I should have talked to you. About everything. About this, about how I felt. I’m really sorry, Erin. I fucked this all up.”
“Yes, you did. But the only thing you need to be thinking about right now is getting well.”
“I’m gonna be okay.”
“I know you will.”
And she was going to help him. They might not be together anymore, but that didn’t mean she was going to abandon him. Now that she knew the truth, she wasn’t going to walk away.
They talked awhile longer and she got some information about his treatment.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.