Me: What about?
Jackie: Can we meet up? It won’t take long and I’m near your place. I know you have deadlines and things for your books.
So, River is still talking to Jackie about me and my books and even where I live? I don’t get it. I don’t want to talk to Jackie. I’m not sure why she can’t just say her piece via text, but I’m not in the business of pissing off pregnant women. Plus, I don’t have anything going on in my life anyway so why the hell not?
I text Hailee to tell her I’m meeting with Jackie and she asks if I want back up. I tell her no, that I’m not going to throw down with a pregnant woman, and that I’ll tell her all about it when I get back. If anything, this might be good content for my next book. After shooting a quick text to Chris and asking him to come a little later, I’m on my way to meet my ex-boyfriend’s baby momma.
She’s already sitting down on a bench when I see her, so I don’t get a good view of her baby bump, but from social media alone, I know it’s there.
Her face is puffy, and dark circles pigment the skin under her eyes. “Ava.” She smiles. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”
“It was no problem, really. What’s going on?” I’d like to just get straight to the point and not act like two friends meeting for coffee to shoot the shit and gossip about our lives.
“I know I’m not your favorite person and sitting here with me is probably on the bottom of the list of things you’d like to be doing, but…it’s about River,” she says. “First things first, I need to apologize to you for the way I came at you at Iconic. I shouldn’t have been the one to tell you, and I definitely shouldn’t have done it in the way that I did. I was being immature, and it was gross. I’m sorry about that. That isn’t who I am.”
My ears perk up at the sound of River’s name. I obviously knew this had something to do with him, since she and I are only connected through him, but I’m interested to know what it is.
“Now, about River. He’s miserable, absolutely miserable, and he has been ever since the night you and I first met. I’m sorry about that, by the way. I was pissed off at him for not wanting to be with me, for choosing you and expecting me to be fine with it. And I know now that he didn’t do anything wrong. I was the only one at fault. I’m about to be some little boy’s mother, you know? I need to start owning up to my own shit and start taking responsibility for my actions. And regardless of how he and I are, I want him to be happy, and he was really fucking happy when he was with you,” she finishes, out of breath, one hand on her belly.
She offers me a smile that I accept, even though everything she’s said somehow makes me even more confused than I was before. “If he’s so miserable, why isn’t he reaching out to me?”
“He wants you to be happy. He said you deserve to be happy and that he can’t ever give that to you. He basically told me he loves you so much that your happiness means more than his. But honestly, Ava, between me and you, River is being such a whiny pessimistic asshole that I don’t want to bring a child into the world with him so fucked up. And I think you’re the only one who can un-fuck him up.”
“That man has it bad for you.” She’s crying now, a quick turn. “Hormones. Just hormones, that’s all.” She fans her face with her hand. “I promise you. Hormones and the fact that I obviously care about him, too. I want him to be happy as much as he wants you to be happy.”
Track Thirty-Seven: Beginning to See the Light
by The Velvet Underground
AVA
I’m pleasantly surprised by my conversation with Chris. He’s a breath of fresh air. The conversation is light and we share a playful banter that comes naturally.
“Okay, so. Next question…” his voice trails off as he thinks. “How old were you when you had your first kiss?” He looks intrigued.
I squint, trying to remember my actual age. “I think I was thirteen, maybe fourteen. Tommy Lohman. In his backyard, on my neck.”
He almost spits his wine out of his mouth. “On the neck? You went straight from no kissing to neck kissing? Dang, girl.” His astonishment turns into laughter.
He’s one of the best looking men I have ever seen and if I weren’t so fucked up from River, I’d be all over taking a chance with him.
He rubs at his light blondish-brown scruff and I admire how symmetrical his face is. “Your turn.”
“Hmm,” I think aloud. “How about…” I huff. “Have you ever been in love?” I think we’re on round ten of our questions, and I’m starting to run out of interesting ones.
He knows the answer to this quickly and gives me a resounding yes. “I was in so deep.” His accent is strong with this statement and I see pain behind his eyes. “It’s been a long time, but yeah. I had a great girl. Her name was Jessica. We don’t speak anymore but she was my best friend for a long time.”
I don’t want to push the subject, and when he asks me the same question, I balk.
“What do you mean you can’t answer?” he says. “That’s not part of the game and you know it.”
I roll my eyes at him to make a point. “Okay, okay. Lord.” I glare at him. “Yeah, for sure I was. I probably still am. It’s annoying and I’m sick of it and it just lingers.”
Chris doesn’t look sad or upset when I say it, probably because he already knows. “Why do you think it lingers, as you say?”
It takes me by surprise that he presses further. Up until now, we simply asked, answered, and kept it moving. “I don’t know, Chris. I really don’t. Probably because when he and I are good, we are so fucking good it’s insane, but every single time we reach a good stride, something comes along and screws it all up. You know,” I break for dramatic effect, “like a pregnant ex-girlfriend.”
I look down into my lap, trying to figure it out myself. “I feel like we have so much more to do together, yet it never works out. But still, for some reason, I can’t ever fully let River go. No matter how hard I try to forget about him, he’s always there.” This is the first time I’m really trying to self-diagnose my addiction to River Jacobs and I’m pretty sure I hit the nail on the damn head.
“Well, hot damn, I think you’ve solved all your issues.” He laughs. “But in all seriousness, this River guy sounds like he’s really left his mark on you.” When I don’t respond, he adds, “In a good way, Ava. A good way, if you two can figure this shit out, get out of your own way, and stop letting other people get in it.”
This man is giving me advice about another man? This doesn’t happen often, from what I’ve seen anyway. I decide to take advantage of the situation and pick his head a little.
“Why didn’t he tell me he got another woman pregnant? Why did he let me find out from the pregnant woman herself instead of being man enough to say it to my face?” I realize now that that’s the worst part of it all. It isn’t even that I feel like he was kind of lying to me by omitting a very important detail; it was that Jackie told me, not River.