Just as I’m about to complete my speech, I glance over to the left of Dillon, to the man standing next to him. Their shoulders are touching, the closeness between the two one of comfortable ease.
When I look into his eyes, every single ounce of love I have in my body bubbles inside of me. My heart leaps into my throat, my legs aching to jump off this stage and run into his arms.
River came. He’s here.
I realize that I’m staring in a wide-eyed gaze at the man I love, so I force myself to rip my concentration from him and turn it back to the rest of the crowd.
Clearing my throat, I continue. “My parents were worried that Dillon wouldn’t have the same chance to succeed as other people, due to his autism diagnosis. They found themselves terrified that job applications would be tossed into a shredder before a chance was even given, that Dillon would be a statistic rather than a success. But The Leading Way totally erased those fears. So, thank you for supporting this organization. We’re just one of the many, many families touched by this incredibly giving program. Not only are they Chicago’s most comprehensive pathway program, but they’ve completely changed our lives, and we are indebted to them forever.”
The words are hard for me to get out as my emotions get the best of me. But I do my best to wrap it up. “So, thank you. Thank you for being here. Please know that your money is being donated to a life-changing, miracle of an organization. Have a wonderful time tonight!”
Clapping fills the air and the woman who introduced me walks back onto the stage, announcing that the raffle basket bidding will start shortly.
As I make my way toward my family, and toward River, my nerves swarm for a different reason. He’s here. Now what?
Hailee jumps in front of me, wide-eyed and smiling. “Did you see that River’s here?”
I nod and before I know it, she’s slapping me on the butt and saying, “Go get ‘em tiger!” a little too loudly for my liking.
When I approach my family, my mom beams at me. “Honey! What a beautiful sentiment.” She pulls me in for a hug, and her warmth mixed with the lilac scent on her skin comforts me almost immediately.
After we finally break our embrace, I bend down to hug my dad. “Hey, Daddy-O.” He’s strong today, I can feel it in his grip. For that, I’m thankful.
“Nice speech, kid.” He grins. “Made me get all emotional and stuff.” The lines get deeper in his face by the day. “Are you almost done with that next bestseller of yours?”
“I promise it’s getting closer.” He’s proud of my writing career, and it makes me feel on top of the world to know so. While his grip is strong, the lines mixed with the discoloration under his eyes worry me. I don’t want to put a sour tone on tonight, so I try to shake it away.
Feeling River’s eyes on me, I turn to him and give him a soft smile, but Dillon wraps his arms around me, stealing my attention.
“You didn’t tell me River was coming!” he says. “Were you trying to surprise me?”
I pull back from Dillon and nod. “Yeah, Dill. Something like that.”
My mom tugs at Dillon’s sleeve and tells him they have some mingling to do, and the three of them head off, leaving me alone with River.
Once I allow my eyes to meet his, I turn back toward him and the silence that lingers in the air is a bit awkward, neither of us knowing where to begin. We both start to talk, and then stop simultaneously and laugh, breaking through the weird barrier. Almost.
“You first,” I say, not knowing where to begin.
River’s typical confident appearance fades as he looks away from me, his eyes darting from the floor to the people surrounding us before finally settling on me. “I wanted to tell you, Ava. I don’t want you to think I was seeing Jackie behind your back, or that I was going to try and keep her pregnancy a secret from you.” He lets out a big breath and motions to a cocktail table.
I nod, and we walk over to sit.
He takes both of my hands in his across the small table. “I never wanted this to happen. I was being careless. I knew you needed time to sort things out after your engagement, and Jackie was comfortable for me. She wanted more, I didn’t. I told you that, and it’s the truth. I tried, honestly. I tried to feel something more for her, but I just couldn’t. Not with you dancing around in the back of my mind.” He squeezes my hands in his, and it hurts hearing about any kind of relationship with Jackie, but I know I have no right to hurt.
When he doesn’t continue, I start in, wanting to fully acknowledge everything he’s saying. “I was quick to judge you that night at Iconic, when Jackie came in. I’m fully aware that I didn’t even give you a chance to explain, I just totally fell apart and pushed you away, and that wasn’t right of me. I’m sorry for that, Riv. I really am. But, faced with the possibility of you cheating, after what happened with Brady, it killed me.”
“I would never do that to you. I get how it looked, and I know it was sprung on you in the wrong setting by the wrong person. You should have heard it from me. I should have made time to tell you. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and do it differently, but I can’t. I’d give anything to erase the hurt you felt that night, but life doesn’t work like that. I can only try to make up for it now.” He smiles, but it’s fleeting. “I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you like that.” He sits a bit straighter and pulls away from me, adjusting his tie.
It’s the first time I’ve really taken in his attire. A full-on black suit, white dress shirt, and black tie. He looks stunning, like a goddamn star.
I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ears and smooth my pleated skirt. “I forgive you.” It’s maybe the first time I’ve ever said those words—to anyone. Sure, I’ve made up with people, but have I ever uttered the words of forgiveness? I’m not sure. But in this moment, with River, I know I want to. And I know I want them to be true.
“This thing we have going on, Riv,” I motion between the two of us, “I think it’s too good to just let slip away again. Everything that’s led us to this very moment…” I suck in a sharp breath. “It’s been a bit of a mess,” I finally say, laughing. “It’s been a mess but it’s our mess. It’s a mess of you and a mess of me mixed with the people who got involved in our mess.” I don’t even know if my words are making sense, but I don’t care.
He gets up and walks around the table where he stands in front of me, his dress shoes and my heels touching at the toes. He bends his head down to mine, his breath hot against my skin as he whispers, “Maybe we should clean the slate and start a new mess?”
Taking his head in my hands, I bring his lips down to mine. After our kiss, I say, “So, The Doors or Black Sabbath?”
Track Thirty-Nine: We’ve Got Tonight
by Bob Seger
AVA
Two days after the benefit, I keep good on my promise to my dad and hit the send button on the email to my editor. My next book is out of my hands and I feel confident about it. I didn’t know how it would end before. But after my conversation with River the other night, it came to me. The perfect ending.