Ava smiles. “You two are something else, truly.”
Dillon has only known me for two weeks, but we feel like long-lost best friends. He taps his fingers on the table wildly—a nervous tic. He can’t decide on what to order, stuck between waffles or biscuits and gravy, and I don’t blame him. Those are two of my favorites, too. He argues with himself for a good fifteen minutes, and the waitress has to come back three times to see if he knows what he wants yet, but Ava and I don’t mind the wait.
I squeeze Ava’s knee under the table and she looks at me with appreciation. We haven’t talked a ton about what happened at my house—with my parents—but the way that Ava just accepted it and allowed me to be upset, spoke volumes to me. As crappy as it was at the time, it almost feels like it brought that much more understanding and respect to our relationship.
When Dillon excuses himself to go to the bathroom, I say, “He really is a spitfire, that kid. I never know what I’m going to get with him. But it’s cool, learning more about him. He’s teaching me so much, without even trying to.”
She asks what I mean and I hesitantly tell her about how little I knew about autism before meeting him.
“People misconstrue autism all the time. It’s something I’ve had to get used to. On paper, yes, he’s autistic. But doctors call it high functioning.” She uses air quotes when she says it. “It’s annoying. I mean, what does high functioning even mean? He’s just Dillon to me. He has autism, so what? Movies and books…they don’t always portray autism how it really is. You’ll see all of the bad and none of the good. Because there are so many ways it can affect a person, and for Dillon, he’s mainly affected when it comes to decision-making. But you can’t tell simply by looking at him. So many people think that it’s something you can see with your eyes, but that isn’t always the case.”
I can tell how passionate she is about the subject, her eyes wild and glistening when she adds, “I just want you to know how much it means to me that you’ve taken the time to get to know him.”
Dillon slides back into the booth and Ava asks him if he washed his hands.
“Yes, Mom, I washed my flippin’ hands. Now, let’s get back to business.” He smiles big. “River, why do you have to leave? Maybe you could just have a band here? There are schools in the area. I looked them up online last night on Mom’s laptop.”
I look at Ava before answering and she’s smiling softly, a sadness lingering just behind her eyes.
Then I turn to her brother. “I really appreciate that, Dill. I’ve just always had the dream of going to California and seeing what’s out there. It almost feels like it doesn’t exist, you know? Like California is some dreamland. I want to be able to see it and touch it. Be in the middle of it and know that it’s real. The school is just a bonus for me,” I tell him.
Dillon doesn’t like the answer, but he accepts it. “So, what will happen with you and my sister?”
Track Ten: Maps
by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
AVA
He’s wearing his leather jacket. A staple, even in the summer months, despite Chicago heating up over a hundred degrees, the windy air hot and sticky. River and I have been dating for five short months. Within these five months, it feels as if we’ve lived a hundred lifetimes together. He’s played me old-school Green Day on his acoustic guitar and written songs for me that he sings while we sip spiked lemonade from our mason jars. He says his parents will have no idea, but the good girl in me still gets a little nervous.
When we sit down, the first thing River does is turn to me, pulling me in with force. No kissing me. No running his fingers through my wild, raven hair that he loves. He just holds me tight, keeping me close. I can feel his heartbeat against the side of my neck.
“I’m leaving early, Ave.” His words suck the breath out of me.
He doesn’t meet my eyes, and I’m glad for it, because I can’t look at him right now. I knew he was leaving, but it wasn’t supposed to be for another three weeks. We were supposed to go to the beach to build sandcastles and swim in the water until we had matching sunburns. We were going to scour the record store for hidden gems before other people could grab them. And we were going to spend a day trying all the different donut shops in Chicago, deciding which one was our favorite.
“Why?” It’s all I can get out. I’m afraid my voice will turn into a shaky mess and he’ll hear my disappointment.
“We got the lease for my apartment there to begin a bit early, so I can try to get settled in and acclimated before having to find my way around when classes start.” I think I can hear a slight shakiness in his voice, too.
River decided long ago to attend Wentworth, a prestigious school of the arts, across the country. I would have supported this—I do support this—but I would have even more so had it not been all the way out in California.
“Well, I mean…” I desperately search my mind for the right thing to say. I want to be the cool girlfriend, the one who’s understanding and not overly emotional, but I still have a whole year left of high school. That feels like forever right now, in this moment. “That’s great!” I say, trying to evoke happiness in my tone.
He looks at me now, squinting his eyes. “Is it?”
The two of us have been inseparable from the moment we decided to exclusively be together. Our pull toward each other is undeniable. Magnetic. Adapting to being without each other is going to be a challenge—probably for both of us.
“You’re starting a new life, and one day, you’re going to be famous. You and those strings, and those fucking mesmerizing eyes of yours.” I smile, feeling my eyes grow glossy, my cheeks burning just under the surface. I loop his arm over my shoulders and melt into him.
“We can’t stay together—we’ve talked about that already—but it kills me, Ava,” he says, and it’s true.
We talked about this when we first started dating. That at the end of the summer, we were to go our separate ways and understand that we had fun, but the timing wasn’t right.
He has to go live his life, and I have to finish high school and move on with mine.
But, neither of us knew how quickly our feelings would develop into so much more than physical attraction. Neither of us knew we’d be confessing our love for each other one month into our relationship. The stakes were high and fast and incredibly out of nowhere.
“I know.” And I did. I knew this was going to happen. I just didn’t think it would be this fast.
And now, for the first time, I admit to myself that maybe, I thought he might change his mind. That he would ask me to wait for him or tell me that he’d wait for me. It stings now, all of it. My temples throb and all at once I just want to get out of here and out of this situation.
I push the feeling down and smile at him as my heart breaks. “I hope one day I’m standing in a crowd, catching one of your guitar picks, River Jacobs,” I tell him. “And I will miss you every single day until then.”
Track Eleven: Keep Breathing