“We’re still here, Indie. We made it this far. And if we can make it this far, we can keep going.”
She presses her face into her knees and shakes her head. “I remember him now.”
“Who?” I answer too fast. Too eager. And she looks up at me, startled. “I mean… well, Indie. It’s not gonna change anything. But… if you tell me, I will help you, baby. I will do anything to make it better. Who do you remember? Carter? Is that who?”
She nods. “I lied to you.”
“It’s OK, Indie. We all lie sometimes.”
I cringe as soon as the words are out of my mouth. Because that’s the truth right there. We all lie sometimes? That’s almost funny. Lies… lies are what we do. We were all lying to her tonight. Only Donovan has a clear conscious right now. He’s the only one who came clean.
“What did you lie about, Indie?
She looks down at her hands in her lap and plays with a piece of string from her t-shirt. She doesn’t say anything, just shakes her head.
“It’s OK. You can tell me. I won’t judge you. I’m not leaving. No matter what you say, I’m here. I’m staying.”
“That man, Carter?”
“What about him?”
“He wasn’t Angelica’s handler. He was mine.”
I let out a long breath of air. I knew this. We all knew this. But hearing her say it makes it real.
“Were you with him? These past four years?”
She looks up at me and squints her eyes. Like she can’t quite remember. But then she nods. “Most of the time. But I got away. He’s gonna know I came home.”
“Do you think, Indie… do you think he sent you here? Do you think that’s why you got away?”
She shakes her head. “No. There was a fight, McKay. And I won.”
“Did you kill him?”
“No. But I tried to.” Her eyes begin to beg at me. “I wanted to. But I couldn’t. It was like… there was something inside me. Something that wouldn’t let me finish it.”
“That’s just programming, Indie. He put that there.”
“Can you take it away, McKay?”
“No. But… maybe Donovan can.”
She’s quiet for a long time after that. Hugging herself around her knees. Just a little bundle of a girl wrapped up in shadows and fear in the corner of her childhood bedroom. “What really happened that day, McKay?” She lifts her eyes up to meet mine from across the room. “To Nathan and… Maggie.”
I picture all the stupid things she could do once this last bit of truth is told. Kill herself. Kill me. Kill all of us. Disappear. Start killing other people. Go insane. Go back to Carter, whoever the fuck that asshole is. Take your pick, none of it is good.
Forgetting was good for her. And us.
That was the best thing for her and we all know it. Adam can blame Donovan all he wants, but he has to know, that was the best thing for her. Donovan had no idea she’d take off that night and never come back.
I’d like to think I can recall every detail of that night. But it’s not true. The drugs. They were strong. And even after Donovan dosed us with the Narcan, I didn’t feel completely normal.
Nathan wasn’t dead when Adam left and Donovan took Indie inside.
But by the time I got done with him—he was.
I walk over to the tub and turn it on.
“What are you doing?”
I ignore her. Just grab a dusty bottle of cheap bubbles from the floor and dump in ten times more than I need.
“McKay—”
“You wanna take a bath with me?”
“What?”
I drop my jacket on the floor and then lift my shirt over my head. “You heard me.”
My eyes find hers and she frowns at me. “Why?”
“Because I’ve wanted to take a bubble bath with you for… hell. I can’t really admit how long. It’s kinda sick, Indie. So please don’t make me say it out loud.”
She’s quiet as I kick off my boots and take off my jeans. And then I’m standing there naked as she stares into my eyes.
“It’s up to you. Everything has always been up to you. I hope you know that. We didn’t make you do anything, Indie. We always gave you a choice. Maybe that choice was hard to find at times, but it was always there. So I’m getting in the tub now. And I’m gonna forget about what just happened for a little bit. And what happened four years ago too. Because if I don’t, I will lose my shit. I know I’m supposed to be strong for you. I know I’m here to be your rock. But I can’t do it right now. I can’t face that day, I don’t want to think about it. I can’t feel that sadness again. That defeat. That realization that no matter how hard I try, I cannot control things. I’m wrung out, child. I’m just… used up and wrung out and I would like to take a fuckin’ minute to just… forget. Because I never had that luxury and I need it, Indie. That’s all. I just need it.”
These might be the truest words I’ve ever spoken to her. This might be the most honest moment in my life. Because I have done things, and I am still keeping secrets from her, and… I’m just fuckin’ tired. That’s all. I’m just fuckin’ tired.
I turn away from her and get in the tub. Embarrassed to admit how good this feels.
Have I ever taken a bath before? Maybe. Back when I was a kid. But I don’t think about being a kid anymore, either. I had to wipe it all away after the Company fell. So I’m sure as hell not gonna go there now.
I just close my eyes and sigh as the water fills up around me.
A few moments later I hear floorboards squeaking and peek open one eye to find Indie undressing. It’s quick. She’s only wearing those same sweats and t-shirt I gave her yesterday.
And Jesus fucking Christ. All this shit happened in one fucking day. Fourteen years of memories packed into a single fucking day.
It makes my head spin.
Why am I still sane?
Or am I? Maybe we’re all crazy?
I hold Indie’s hand to steady her as she gets in the tub. Then she turns around and sits down. Leaning back into my chest.
I wrap my arms around her, close my eyes, and sigh.
“Adam’s not gone.”
I open one eye, then close it just as fast. Too much effort. “How do you know?”
“I just know.”
“I know too. So listen to me. We’re doing this. But then we’re gonna get into bed and sleep. And that’s it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… the four of us have to figure this out. Figure us out. We can’t just keep having sex. You’re not mine, you’re ours.”
She’s quiet for a minute.
“Do you understand why?”
She nods her head.
“Tell me.”
She exhales and takes a moment. I give her that moment because like that little girl she was when she came to us, this relationship we have sure as shit didn’t come with an instruction manual.
“Because we’re friends.”
I smile. That was not the answer I would’ve given, but it’s a good one. “We are friends, Indie. It’s a very strong bond. And we can’t go messing it up just for sex.”